Was your DH totally against Donor Egg or adoption?

[Anonymous]

My DH and I are lucky enough to have a 4 year old. It took us 8 months of trying and just when we were going to get final tests for IVF I found out I was pregnant. I was 37 when he was born. We waited 2 years to try again (financial reasons) and then spent over a year trying to get pregnant naturally. Finally, we ended up at Dominion last year and tried two IVF's and one IUI with no success. I did accupuncture and herbs as well. Because we are both from large families we really wanted a sibling for our DS.

I have repeatedly tried to bring up donor egg or adoption and DH does not want to hear it. He thinks I'm "giving up on us" when in fact it I think I'm being realistic. I'll be 43 late this summer. His mother had him when she was 43 so he is holding on to that. I know there are miracles but everyone can't have one.

Any thoughts? Ways to discuss this to make him realize I'm focusing on our family and our goal to have more children?

[Anonymous]

I've found that talking about a specific timeframe helps take the emotion out of the discussion. That way the discussion isn't focused on whether you need a donor but rather focusing on the goal - another baby. Try asking your husband how much longer he would like to try (be very specific - use a calendar) 3 months, 6 months, 2 years, etc... Talk about the age difference between the future baby and your DS too.

My hubby and I had the same problem....he wanted to wait to TTC for 6 months after getting married (I was 37 when we got married) and then after starting to TTC he wanted to wait to see if we got pregnant on our own. We didn't. We sat down with a calendar agreed to try 3 IUIs and then reassess. After 3 failed or cancelled IUIs, we met with Dr. D then did IVF.

I was a poor responder to the IVF drugs so we did have the discussion about using an egg donor and my DH was open to it...but we ended up not needing one. We have 2 year old twins now.

Hang in there...Good luck

[Anonymous]

Agree with the PP; I did a version of that as well. I had a time frame and had researched the cost. Not that it was cheaper to adopt/donor egg but I wanted to be able to say X is not working, so for this much more money we can try this other thing. I also had both of us take adoption and donor egg seminars and go to a support group meeting (Resolve) so he understood the issues better. I emphasized to him that my goal was to have a family, not for me to get pregnant; getting pregnant was ideal and wonderful but like a lot of things, the method of starting that journey was not as important as actually starting. My DH did become open to everything, and we both learned more about each other in the process - as well as some surprising things. I was surprised how difficult and costly adoption was, and amazed that his big difficulty with adoption was dealing with a birth mother. It was great to learn that, and to finally understand what his objection was. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for the kind and honest words. I brought it up again last night, as my cycle just started. He was very upset, but took some time on his own to mourn the fact it isn't happening. He has moved to "I'm 50/50 with doing donor egg". So, I'll research it some more to see if I'm interested. I too, have concerns about the future, when would my son/daughter want to find out about their original mother. When would you tell the child? Lots of thoughts like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the PP; I did a version of that as well. I had a time frame and had researched the cost. Not that it was cheaper to adopt/donor egg but I wanted to be able to say X is not working, so for this much more money we can try this other thing. I also had both of us take adoption and donor egg seminars and go to a support group meeting (Resolve) so he understood the issues better. I emphasized to him that my goal was to have a family, not for me to get pregnant; getting pregnant was ideal and wonderful but like a lot of things, the method of starting that journey was not as important as actually starting. My DH did become open to everything, and we both learned more about each other in the process - as well as some surprising things. I was surprised how difficult and costly adoption was, and amazed that his big difficulty with adoption was dealing with a birth mother. It was great to learn that, and to finally understand what his objection was. Good luck.

YES YES YES!

I loathe when people smugly put down people who go through fertility claiming that there are sooo many unwanted babies needing homes. They act like it is a matter of shopping for one at Target. It can easily be more expensive than fertility treatments and more lengthy and more emotionally draining.

I even went the foster to adopt route and that was years of pain before my little girl FINALLY became mine. Even in foster communities a baby that *might might* one day be looking for a permanant home is very hard to come by. You can have a child for 2 or 3 years and a family member come of the wood works and rip that child out of your home.

[Anonymous]

YES YES YES!

I loathe when people smugly put down people who go through fertility claiming that there are sooo many unwanted babies needing homes. They act like it is a matter of shopping for one at Target. It can easily be more expensive than fertility treatments and more lengthy and more emotionally draining.

I even went the foster to adopt route and that was years of pain before my little girl FINALLY became mine. Even in foster communities a baby that *might might* one day be looking for a permanant home is very hard to come by. You can have a child for 2 or 3 years and a family member come of the wood works and rip that child out of your home.

YES!!!!!!!!!

Not to mention the astronomical costs associated with most adoptions. International will run from 25-60K (good friends of ours just paid 34K when all was said and done with their Chinese adoption).
Domestic can be cheaper but not by much. Other friends paid 25K plus for the fees associated with their domestically born son.

We thought long and hard about adoption (which is why I know what costs my good friends incurred) and ultimately decided that IVF (even 2 cycles of it which is what we did) was a better financial option. I've had many well-meaning friends ask if I "would consider" adoption. Yes, I would seriously consider it and more if I happened to have an extra 30K available.