Coping strategies to deal with the emotions of infertility

[Anonymous]

What have been your coping strategies to deal with the emotions of infertility?

I find it's on my mind most of the time, and I am just so sad and drained from this whole experience.

I cry more easily than I ever did before, and just feel sad most of the time, which I never did before I started TTC.

I'm not coping very well with infertility. What has helped you cope?

[Anonymous]

Honestly? Therapy. But it's best to find a therapist who specializes in infertility. Some people also find comfort in support groups.

DW and I have been slogging through for about 18 months, with plenty of losses and failures to show for it. Some days are harder than others. We try to listen to each other and to be kind to each other. I try to practice mindfulness when I feel particularly sad. DW has become an avid reader to escape it when she can. You have to find a coping mechanism that works for you.

Hugs, OP. This sucks.

[Anonymous]

Time. After 2 years of this, the emotions gradually become less acute and dulled down and you distance yourself from the process, it's more mechanical somehow and I learned to keep the expectations low.

[Anonymous]

I agree with therapy. I also found a few blogs that I enjoyed reading since the people I knew in real life couldn't understand. But therapy ended up really helping me.

[Anonymous]

First - It's not just you not coping. It is overwhelming to manage the temping and checking the calendar and doubting yourself. If you do fertility treatments it is a lot to manage the appointments, getting meds, calling insurance, etc. then they pump you full of hormones that make it harder to control your emotions. Cut yourself some slack. It's ok to be emotional. You are going through a stressful time. Tell your partner what you need. Find outlets for self-care. If you don't want to go to therapy, try Resolve forums to find a supportive community. Remember to take a break from reading the blogs and forums some times and remember that everyone's case is unique.

That said, I see a lot of jealousy on IF blogs and groups and an inability to be around pregnant people and babies. Personally when going through that I never felt that. Parenthood is not a lottery with a set number of winners. Someone else having a baby does not take a baby away from you. There are a lot of ways to make a family, trust you will get there one day but be open minded to the fact that you might need to find a different path than you first imagined.

[Anonymous]

We planned vacations and that took my mind off a lot. After a few years of IUIs and IVFs, I stopped thinking "we won't be able to do this and that if this cycle works." We ended up having to cancel a vacation because I finally got pregnant (it was a cruise trip), and I guess I should have figured that out before we made the reservation because I was doing IVF, and we were really looking forward to the trip. But now I kind of feel Murphy's Law worked for us and got me pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Therapy and support groups. And if you feel jealous, that is ok and normal. It's not a choice to feel jealous or not -- it's a feeling.

[Anonymous]

Circle and Bloom guided meditations helped me

[Anonymous]

Therapy helped. But what really helped me was setting deadlines: we are going to do x cycles of IUI and then we're done. Your "x" might be different, could include IVF, etc. But it felt so good for me to have a stopping point in mind and know that this was not going to be my life forever.

When we got close to the stopping point we booked a trip that would either be our babymoon or a conclusion to infertility treatment. It gave us something to look forward to either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What have been your coping strategies to deal with the emotions of infertility?

I find it's on my mind most of the time, and I am just so sad and drained from this whole experience.

I cry more easily than I ever did before, and just feel sad most of the time, which I never did before I started TTC.

I'm not coping very well with infertility. What has helped you cope?

Here are my top 3.

1. Time. The longer it's been, the easier it's gotten. The first year I sobbed on the way to work, to dh, etc. Year 2 is here and I am accepting what is while doing what I can.

2. Gratitude. I count my blessings. I love my DH and I appreciate the time and flexibility we have together. I try to appreciate it even though it's not the life I would prefer right now. But hey, how many people really get their first choice in life?

3. Everyone has shit in their lives. Sure I have been jealous of my friends' pregnancies, and baby bumps and showers are tough. But their lives aren't perfect. In fact one friend who was pregnant on her 1st try 3x is watching her young DH die of cancer. The grass isn't greener.

I hope you find peace OP.

[Anonymous]

Therapy helped me more than anything. Hugs to you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Feeling for you OP. I'm going on 5 years. It doesn't get easier, it just gets numb.

Here's what works for me:
1. I'm not on facebook or other social media. That stuff is toxic and somehow filled with fertile women and their perfect children.
2. I don't fake my ability to be present in the lives of my girlfriends who became pregnant and had their children. I don't have pregnant friends or mom friends. Period.
3. I go to therapy.
5. I take Lexapro.
6. I give myself permission to feel WHATEVER, WHENEVER. If I want to punch a pregnant woman in the face or slash a stroller's tires, I don't feel guilty about it anymore.
7. I answer questions honestly and advocated for myself and others with infertility. This includes telling the barely-visible pregnant woman checking me out at Trader Joes who offered, "sorry I'm kind of slow today, I'm pregnant", that it's insensitive to say things like that. And the coworker who told a patient in front of me, "You know why I'm a good nurse, because I'm a mom!". And all the women who say, "How long have you been married".... pause... "Don't you want to have kids??". The more people are educated about this the less and less we'll have to deal with the stigma.

Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Maybe don't take 17:23's advice. Not sure how someone telling you they are pregnant is insensitive. It'd their reality as much as not being pregnant is yours. She is just as raw and vulnerable and fragile.

Therapy is a good investment. It's important to honor your own feelings and anxiety, but also important to be able to let the feelings come and GO. Not just sit there in your head and stew.

[Anonymous]

Lexapro is also a potential risk to the fetus so I'd try to avoid taking it if you continue to TTC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe don't take 17:23's advice. Not sure how someone telling you they are pregnant is insensitive. It'd their reality as much as not being pregnant is yours. She is just as raw and vulnerable and fragile.

Therapy is a good investment. It's important to honor your own feelings and anxiety, but also important to be able to let the feelings come and GO. Not just sit there in your head and stew.

A lot of us on this board are raw, vulnerable, and fragile. I have deleted Facebook app from my phone because I'm sick of seeing pregnancy announcements and people moving onto kid 2,3,4. If PP chooses not to surround herself with pregnant people, isn't that her choice? In many cases, it's self preservation.