4 yo refuses to say "I'm sorry" - advice?
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Anonymous
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Our 4 year old is generally a very good kid who follows directions and listens. But especially when he is tired, he can act out - for example, by throwing a ball in the living room after being asked not to. When we address the behavior and ask him to apologize, he totally refuses. He will acknowledge having done something wrong but will say that he "doesn't know how to say sorry." Same when he accidentally hurts someone by playing too aggressively -- he refuses to say he's sorry. It's the strangest thing. This is even true when we pull him aside and tell him he has to apologize in order to continue playing. We will tell him that all he has to do is say sorry and he can go play, but he still refuses.
Anyone else have a kid who refuses to say sorry? How did you get him or her past the refusal? |
Anonymous
| Sounds like he's purposefully being difficult. Clearly he knows what you want and doesn't want to give it to you. I'd probably just give it less attention right now. If it's with another kid, pay a lot of attention to the "victim" and give your son less attention. Model the saying sorry. A lot of kids will just say "sorry" and not mean it at all - truthfully it's a pretty meaningless word, though I totally get you trying to instill good manners, I just mean, it doesn't always mean a lot even when it is said. My guess is that this point, he is getting attention for not saying it, so he's persisting. Maybe instead ask him to "figure out a way to make X feel better" or point out how his behavior has damaged something or hurt someone and ask him how he can make it better. |
Anonymous
| Really, is little Johnny given any consequences for not being able to show compassion? Sent to his room, removed from situation, no electronics, etc? You really aren't doing him a favor if he can say "he doesn't know how to say I'm sorry" then, trust me, he knows how to, he just doesn't want to. I see so many children who are excused because of age for their behavior and trust me when I say that it doesn't turn out well for them in the future. If he has some type of "disability", possibly you can excuse otherwise, step to the plate and do your job. |
Anonymous
| My 4 year old is very stubborn about saying she is sorry. However, we make her say it when appropriate. She may spend 30-45 minutes in her room screaming claiming she can't say it but eventually she does. Although it looks like it causes her physical pain to say it. We think its an important lesson but it sucks. |
Anonymous
| Four year olds hate saying their sorry. I insist on it too. |
Anonymous
| I don't insist on the words because when you're forcing it the words lose meaning. What I say instead is "You played so roughly with Sophie that she cried. What can you do to make things right and make her feel better?" |
Anonymous
| My newly minted 5yo was like this too (still is). I hate the angry "I'm sorry" without eye contact. He is finally getting to the point that he will apologize without having to be prompted. Generally it takes a cooling off period however (when he has been misbehaving) and, when it's an accidental, we still have to explain that even though he didn't mean it, someone else still got hurt, and saying sorry is just one way we can try to help make them feel better. I think he equates apologizing with acknowledging he's somehow been bad. |
Anonymous
| We don't make them say sorry. We tell them that apologizing is the right thing to do but the reality is that sometimes your child's not-yet-developed brain doesn't have the empathy to feel remorse necessary to really mean an apology. This is especially true with siblings. My 4 year old isn't sorry she hit her brother. So instead try and have him say, "it was wrong for me to hit you", I should not have hit, or I know I should not hit. Etc. model apologies and tell them why we apologize. |
Anonymous
+1 I don't care if she says the words "I'm sorry," I care if she is willing to say that what she did was wrong and take some step to make it right. |
Anonymous
| Kids hate saying sorry! I don't make them say sorry because I know it's not sincere. It's up to them if they are sorry or not. I ask them how can fix it or make it better and work with that. |
Anonymous
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Agree with the PPs. Ask DC if she knows she hurt her friend? Does she feel bad that she hurt her friend? If so, let's talk about what she can do so her friend doesn't feel bad. If not, time to teach compassion.
That said, my understanding is that it isn't until around 4-5 that most kids really develop the cognitive ability to put themselves in someone else's shoes and understand that people outside themselves can feel bad. So you can teach and reinforce this concept, but the I hurt someone-- I made them feel bad -- like I feel when someone hurts me -- I need to make this better link just may not be there yet. Until it is, you are just engaging in a power struggle. So focus on helping to develop the concept. |
Anonymous
| Mine does this too. I think it's because he gets embarrassed, especially if another person is involved. He gets extremely stubborn about it and will face any consequence rather than say sorry. He definitely understands empathy but can't get past his embarrassment of having made a bad choice. It's tough because he can just be so stubborn about it. I tell him it's ok to say what you mean in other ways, like "are you ok?", but he still gets so embarrassed that he refuses. Luckily it doesn't happen too often. |
Anonymous
Yes. That's similar to what I do, too. "I'm sorry." sorry when forced means nothing. Haven't you ever seen the kids who say it completely w/out meaning? Compare that to the kids who show a more genuine empathy and consideration for what has happened. |
Anonymous
| Will he apologize non-verbally? Would he offer a hug? Would he give a sticker or a stamp as an apology? Bring a hurt friend an ice pack? |
Anonymous
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My kid is not at an age where we can say I'm sorry, but I can't imagine trying to force him to say that (or anything for that matter). Who among us would like being forced to say something we didn't mean?
He's probably just digging his heels in because he's stubborn. That's what I would do and I'm 37. |