i think im still not over her...

[Anonymous]

Im so annoyed with myself… Really i am.
Last night we were out on some concert near my hometown. I run into my ex gf. We were together for year and a half. Almost every experience about relationships I have posted on this forum so far is from a relationship with her. She was my first ‘love’. At 25... Im 28 now and so is she.

So I saw her last night with a guy she is with now. She got with him just 2 or 3 months after we split. Their group was almost next to my group. We never locked eyes or said hello. But I know she saw me. When I went to my other group of friends, she went to my best friend and talked to him and asked him where am I, etc… My friend brought that up after we were driving home.

When I saw her… old feelings resurfaced… not just the good one. everything. To tell you the truth, i wanted home. It hit me right in the feels. It was sickening. I cant believe I felt that way. Its like I disappointed myself – to be that fucking weak. Even now, when we are apart almost as long as we were a couple. I thought I was stronger but now Im wondering if am i really over her after more then a year of NC. Is that even normal??? Yes she was my first gf but still…

What angers me the most is the fact she treated me / our relationship like CRAP – I was never a priority, she was emotionally abusive, manipulative, cared only for her needs and was avoiding sex with me… when i look back i can say she has 8/10 signs of being a pathological narcissist.

Half of the relationship with her was pure crap anyway, but i was hanging so long in there like a fool. trying to fix things…thinking something is wrong with me, not being good enough… trying to talk to her… waiting for her to be the way she was in honeymoon stage…but it was never upon me to fix things… and in the end she was the one who ended things. Such a fool. Im still ashamed. And after all this she still has an effect on my emotions. Sick… at the same time i have said to myself many times ‘thank god its over and she ended it. Because i wouldnt.’

I was always bewildered how easily she just end a relationship with NO intention on fixing it.

I had to rant/share this with someone… Have any of you ever felt that way?

I just wanted to share that with you guys.You have always put my emotions where they belong and never steer me wrong. For that I am thankful.

[Anonymous]

Being "over" someone is not like flipping a light switch and suddenly you have no more feelings at all versus having intense feelings. Whenever someone from my past crosses my path -- even someone I dated 20 years ago -- old memories, themes, and conflicts pop into my head. That's what happens to human beings.

The fact that you recognize that you were treated badly by this woman and that your main emotion upon seeing her is anger, not longing or yearning or fantasizing about getting back together -- that is OVER, dude. Your feelings of wanting to be with her are dead.

[Anonymous]

First love is rough, it's like an imprinting, like the way a baby duck attaches to the first creature it sees as its mother, even if it's not mommy duck.

I had a boyfriend like that. Took me years to have the feelings fade away. And even now, as an old married lady, seeing his picture can make me do a double take.

Don't beat yourself up over it. Your heart will probably always feel something for her. But let your head protect you. Stay away from her. Date other people. Actively move on.

[Anonymous]

Stop using words like "sick" to describe your emotions - you're being way, way to hard on yourself. So many of us pursued and hung on to the wrong person in our twenties.
Very few of us don't have a story like yours, where we were hurt by an unavailable partner.

There's nothing to be ashamed of. Use it as an opportunity to get to know yourself better and why you were attracted to someone who sounds toxic. Unpack the shame and "sickness".

It's only been a year since you broke up and a half and she was your first love - those feelings are powerful. The pain you felt last night is normal and makes perfect sense. She broke your heart. But you won't get past it until you figure out why you are so full of shame and disgust at yourself, and work through it. Therapy is a good idea.

[Anonymous]

I have felt this way. Wondering why an ex wouldn't fix what was wrong. Why he just left. But looking back almost 20 years now, it was for the best that he left. And romantic dating relationships shouldn't be messed up enough to have to "fix." They really should be easy. I didn't figure that out until I met someone who it's pretty darn easy to be around, and I ended up marrying him. Now I look back and think "what in the world was my obsession with that other guy?" But I've got more distance from my last love than you do.

Try to take this time to figure out why you were passionately attracted to someone who treated you badly. I did. I took off two years of dating and worked with a therapist. Best thing I ever did. Relationships shouldn't need fixing right out of the gate. Don't let yourself latch onto someone you want to change. It never works. Don't change yourself to be with someone. That never works, either. Just be you. You seem very introspective and I have no doubt you will meet someone who is a great fit for you. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP, as I have said on here several times, if you really loved someone, you never completely get over them. It's not a daily feeling, but a birthday, visiting an old place, etc. gets you thinking about what you once had.

You have a few problems going on here. First, she ended it. Second, she is with someone else and let's face it, at her age she could find a new guy within 36 hours. You need to work on yourself - get some new hobbies, hit a gym. And when the next woman come along, and there will be another one, things have a better chance of working out and old gf goes deeper into the memory bank.

[Anonymous]

OP here.. tnx for support.

What pains me is when Im thinking about that she may be different to him. Everyone says the next guy is surely going through some similar or same shit I did but I dont see it that way.

The guy she had before me was 10 years older, the guy she has now is 5 years older… I just cant believe that a guy at that age (mature guy) would put up with so much bullshit as i did. I highly doubt that (friends before me, sex once a month, my needs unimportant and disregarded,...)

I mean I know i will never let myself to be in similar position again. Too emotional draining. The worst part is when you stay in relationship like that you are disrespecting yourself, and she knows it very well. And i know if she doesnt respect the guy she cant ‘love’ him…

Im blaming my inexperience (she was my first) and not being masculine enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First love is rough, it's like an imprinting, like the way a baby duck attaches to the first creature it sees as its mother, even if it's not mommy duck.

I had a boyfriend like that. Took me years to have the feelings fade away. And even now, as an old married lady, seeing his picture can make me do a double take.

Don't beat yourself up over it. Your heart will probably always feel something for her. But let your head protect you. Stay away from her. Date other people. Actively move on.

There is something about the first love. By chance, I ended up in the same college class with my first love/boyfriend from high school. Same emotions surfaced, I was really giddy and nervous around him, just as an inexperienced teenager.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.. tnx for support.

What pains me is when Im thinking about that she may be different to him. Everyone says the next guy is surely going through some similar or same shit I did but I dont see it that way.

The guy she had before me was 10 years older, the guy she has now is 5 years older… I just cant believe that a guy at that age (mature guy) would put up with so much bullshit as i did. I highly doubt that (friends before me, sex once a month, my needs unimportant and disregarded,...)

I mean I know i will never let myself to be in similar position again. Too emotional draining. The worst part is when you stay in relationship like that you are disrespecting yourself, and she knows it very well. And i know if she doesnt respect the guy she cant ‘love’ him…

Im blaming my inexperience (she was my first) and not being masculine enough.

An older guy dating a younger woman typically puts up with alot more crap, because they are usually simply enamored with the idea of being with someone young. It's often (not always, but often) an imbalanced relationship. Down the road, when you're with your beautiful wife who respects you and treats you well, you'll thank your lucky stars you got out of this one. Trust me.

- Wise old lady who's seen alot.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. I can relate. I am 27 and dated a guy a couple years back. He was not my first boyfriend, but he was the first guy I ever fell in love with. We dated for almost a year. I believe he was a narcissist. Our relationship was wonderful at first, but it soon turned into being about him. Where he wanted to eat, how he felt, when he wanted sex, etc. I started seeing not only a difference is how he treated me, but a difference in how he treated family, friends, and strangers. He was very insecure - talked down to everyone, talked bad about everyone, his feelings were the only one's that mattered, etc.

Long story short, he ended it because I refused to be " submissive" to his wants and needs. I saw him almost a year later with a new woman. All the feelings started rushing back. I felt like I had taken such a huge setback. I was very hard on myself. I even went to counseling for it. Through counseling and a new relationship, I realized I can't be that hard on myself. If if feelings came up, it's only natural as a human being. I learned to from my next relationship ( now single) the difference between love and control. My latest ex was kind, sweet, treated me and others kindly, etc.

What I'm saying is we have all been there at some point in our lives. The thing is we have to realize now to be too hard on ourselves for being human and having emotions. In due time you will get over this. You will meet a wonderful who will show you just how to be loved. She will compliment you, love you back, treat you with respect and kindness, etc. Then you will realize and thank the lucky stars that girl is no longer in your life. In the meantime, I suggest you seek out some counseling to help with your emotions and self-esteem. Having emotions do not make you unmasculine or weak. A real man is not afraid to show his emotions. Remember that.

[Anonymous]

PP from 17:25. I have dated and see women date older men. Older men will put up with so much from a younger woman, just to brag they have a younger woman on their arm. They, too, will eventually ( and hopefully) grow out of it and find a real woman. He will eventually get tired of her antics. She is now some other man's burden. Work on your confidence, and go find another woman who will treat you right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP from 17:25. I have dated and see women date older men. Older men will put up with so much from a younger woman, just to brag they have a younger woman on their arm. They, too, will eventually ( and hopefully) grow out of it and find a real woman. He will eventually get tired of her antics. She is now some other man's burden. Work on your confidence, and go find another woman who will treat you right.

Completely bullshit. The older and more experienced a man gets, the less likely he'll put up with some woman's (young or old) bullshit because he knows women are like buses and that he can have another one in 10 minutes if one leaves.

[Anonymous]

"Emotionally abusive"

Um, define how. Because that has become a catchphrase in the men's rights movement for basically "this woman didn't cater to me" or "occasionally got annoyed with me".

Same thing with the old narcissist label.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have felt this way. Wondering why an ex wouldn't fix what was wrong. Why he just left. But looking back almost 20 years now, it was for the best that he left. And romantic dating relationships shouldn't be messed up enough to have to "fix." They really should be easy. I didn't figure that out until I met someone who it's pretty darn easy to be around, and I ended up marrying him. Now I look back and think "what in the world was my obsession with that other guy?" But I've got more distance from my last love than you do.

Try to take this time to figure out why you were passionately attracted to someone who treated you badly. I did. I took off two years of dating and worked with a therapist. Best thing I ever did. Relationships shouldn't need fixing right out of the gate. Don't let yourself latch onto someone you want to change. It never works. Don't change yourself to be with someone. That never works, either. Just be you. You seem very introspective and I have no doubt you will meet someone who is a great fit for you. Good luck.

Just wanted to second that. You sound like a sweet lover boy who deserved a lot better

[Anonymous]

Can you provide examples of how she "abused" you?