Should Youth Referee "Never Speak to Parents"?
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Anonymous
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Overhead a rather spirited conversation between an adult referee (appeared to be the chief/man-in-charge) and a young/HS-age referee on the sideline during halftime, where the young referee was visibly upset about some issues with parents of the game she's reffing. the adult ref was basically dismissing her concerns and told her "first of all, you should never speak to the parents, you just don't do it, period." I was mostly focusing on my son's game on the next field which the adult ref was reffing so didn't see what happened between the young ref and the parents on the other field, but noticed a long pause between actions when players were just standing/sitting on the field waiting while the ref and the coaches appeared to be engaging in an long and animated conversation.
Anyway, my son isn't old enough to ref and I don't think he'd be interested doing it, but I was just surprised by what the adult ref said about not speaking to parents. Again I don't know what happened but I've read on here and elsewhere that it's not uncommon for refs to direct parents of proper behavior and even issuing yellow card etc. So, is such actions only to be done by an adult ref and never the youth ref? And this "rule/guideline" exists because of safety concern of the youth ref, i.e. to prevent parents from escalating an argument to a physical threat or harm? I'm just curious of what you all think. |
Anonymous
| It sounds like a great rule to me. The coaches can speak to their parents. I played on many a team as a kid and I don't remember the refs/umps speaking to parents. What would they have to say to each other? If a parent is being unruly, on the other hand, a ref should say enough either to get them to stop or pause the game until the parent leaves. |
Anonymous
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A ref should not speak to a spectator. If the ref believes one or more spectators is acting in an inappropriate manner the ref should stop play or possibly wait until there is a stop in play and then speak with both coaches. Point out the offending person or persons and let the coaches deal with them.
Depending on the nature of the issue the ref might ask the coaches to tell their respective spectators to shut up, or possibly leave if things were bad enough. |
Anonymous
| The only time the ref's ever spoke to/about parents was when they threatened to toss my ex for being too vocal, and I think that was directed to the coaches. |
Anonymous
| I think refs - youth or adult - should be insulated from parents by the coaches. Parents can be dicks and refs shouldn't have to deal with it. |
Anonymous
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Tough one.
The only crooked ref I've ever seen (someone who actually biased to one side as opposed to simply making human mistakes) fussed at our team's parents every time we made a noise, and he lectured us because a couple of parents' chairs were outside the designated spectator area. (This was on the only field I've ever seen that actually has a white line marking the edge.) That said -- can refs politely ask parents to move to where they're supposed to be? I think so. I saw a U9 travel game in which a parent was standing behind a goal yelling at the goalkeeper -- either it was his own son, or this guy was truly deranged. Should the ref tell the coach to yell across the field at the parent, or should the ref just ask as nicely as possible? I've seen a few refs who are marvelous with parents. They joke when something funny happens (say, a gust of wind blowing five soccer balls across the field while we're trying to play). I don't have an issue with that. But getting into arguments is a bad idea. At the very least, don't be the instigator, and don't respond to the slightest complaint from parents. Parents are human -- they might moan when a call is obviously wrong (or they *think* it is), but they'll get over it. Just roll with it until it becomes a problem. |
Anonymous
I am a referee and this is what I have done for years, and have been told over and over again to do anytime we are at training. I also advise my younger AR's to do the same, which is possibly the kind of conversation you overheard. If we as refs do not engage parents on the sidelines when issues arise, but instead address all concerns and issues to the coaches, it is less likely to cause problems. Some older refs will chat with parents, explain rules, etc., but I've only seen older, much more experienced refs doing that. I myself will chat with friendly parents if I'm on their side, answer time remaining questions, rule questions, etc., but I've been a ref for about 15 years, so I know how to disengage from conversations when needed. I also have warned coaches and thrown out spectators when the need arose. |
Anonymous
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Ref here also. I differ in opinion - I have directly heard parents drop the "f" bomb or other inappropriate language directed at me and other refs. My solution - they get to sit in their cars for the rest of the game. The rules are clear: if a player drops the f-bomb, Red card. Why should a parent, mind you, a PARENT, of a kid, be exempt from being held to the same level of behavior? Also, other players, and other kids watching, hear that same language.
I am a parent, coach, and ref. In general people are really clueless as to what ref abuse is. The parents are there to support the kids. I am there to ref the game, ensure it is played as safely as possible, and, to ref the game itself as best I can. It is pretty simple. I feel some parents view the entire dynamic as a "right" to criticize the refs. Have I missed calls? 100% yes. But I think I am a pretty good ref. |
Anonymous
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Two interesting exchanges:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3at6sX6a9o https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAekGHiJIsg |
Anonymous
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the ref should only talk to the team captains. That is what they are there for. The captain them talks to the coach the coach talks to whoever after that.
You would be surprised how quickly things get defused or settled when a kid has to go tell the coach to tell a parent to stop being an ass. |
Anonymous
| the other teams' captains might be 11 years old. Although at being said, I agree w the PP; the 11-year old might be the most mature and rational person on the field. |
Anonymous
What a dick. Hope that guys car is comfy since he'll be sitting in it for a while. |
Anonymous
| Being a youth ref for kid sports is an awful job, because of the parents. My friend did it as a high schooler and would get screamed and sworn at by asshole parents who apparently thought their eight year old's soccer career was going to be made or broken by a couple of calls in a rec league game. It boggles my mind that fully grown adults with their own kids think it is appropriate to treat high school kids that way. |
Anonymous
| That is why it is soooo difficult for the recruitment of kids as refs. The kids are smart. Why put up with a abuse from frustrated parents, for like $20 a game. There so many other ways to make money, and NOT have to deal w psychotic parents. |
Anonymous
| Yup. Next time you bemoan the lack of good referees, remember that the parents are the reason why. |