Keeping old friends even though...?

[Anonymous]

I have a few friends from childhood and high school that I have stayed very close with but it definitely hasn't been easy! I've realized over the last 5 or so years that I am very different from each of them, for all different reasons from political beliefs to their philosophy about life in general. Some of these difference really bother me, much more than differences bothered me in the past. For example, I have a friend who will be voting for a presidential candidate that I am very against. She's also very vocal about her feelings about him while I am very vocal on the opposite side. I have another friend who I have realized has a strange philosophy about life, what we're doing here, how to treat others. She treats her friends and family well, strangers not so much. And lastly, I have a couple friends who have lost hope and ambition for life. I feel bad for them but I honestly just don't know how to handle it.

I don't know what to do. It's getting hard to just focus on our similarities because I feel like the differences seep into every area of our lives. If we can do something together it seems very superficial. We used to be so close, I have been through big life events with each of them (kids, death, marriage, illness) and it's hard to let all of that go. Plus, I don't really have any good newer friends.

Is this common for adults to go through? What is there to do?

[Anonymous]

I think this is pretty common. For the hopeless, ambition-less friends, I would make an exception to see what's going on. Maybe they're depressed and need a good friend, or maybe they are content to be who they are without ambition, which seems fine too. But other old friends who you now have actual conflicting philosophies on, it may be time to allow those friendships to fade at least a bit.

I have a bunch of friends at work who have EXTREMELY different political and religious views from me, but I get along with them very well socially. I have a personal rule to not discuss politics or religion with them at all, knowing that it would not go well for the friendships. These are not deep friendships, but nice to have around the office to spitball ideas on work things with or go grab some coffee and talk about our kids. Could you compartmentalize the older friends like this? Or is it just too far gone? I think either option would be fine and normal.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, that can happen. It's happened to me and it happened to my mom with one of her friends. I guess you need to decide how much they mean to you and how upset this is making you. Is it worth it? If not, it might be time to make some new friends. That could be a fun adventure for you! Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is pretty common. For the hopeless, ambition-less friends, I would make an exception to see what's going on. Maybe they're depressed and need a good friend, or maybe they are content to be who they are without ambition, which seems fine too. But other old friends who you now have actual conflicting philosophies on, it may be time to allow those friendships to fade at least a bit.

I have a bunch of friends at work who have EXTREMELY different political and religious views from me, but I get along with them very well socially. I have a personal rule to not discuss politics or religion with them at all, knowing that it would not go well for the friendships. These are not deep friendships, but nice to have around the office to spitball ideas on work things with or go grab some coffee and talk about our kids. Could you compartmentalize the older friends like this? Or is it just too far gone? I think either option would be fine and normal.

+1 to the bolded.

I'm genuinely astonished that people let politics and/or religion stand in the way of friendships. Very few of my friends share my views, but I either (a) don't discuss hot topics with them, or (b) enjoy discussing/debating the hot topics with them.

When did people lose the ability to disagree civilly?

[Anonymous]

I could never be good friends with anyone who would vote for a racist bigot.
That in itself would always be a sore spot in our friendship continues.

It sounds like your friendships have simply run their course. It happens. It is a natural progression of life, your life has taken a new & different turn and you also have grown and evolved.

If being around them causes bad feelings for you, then spend less + less time in their company.

Then let the friendships dissolve completely on their own, such is life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is pretty common. For the hopeless, ambition-less friends, I would make an exception to see what's going on. Maybe they're depressed and need a good friend, or maybe they are content to be who they are without ambition, which seems fine too. But other old friends who you now have actual conflicting philosophies on, it may be time to allow those friendships to fade at least a bit.

I have a bunch of friends at work who have EXTREMELY different political and religious views from me, but I get along with them very well socially. I have a personal rule to not discuss politics or religion with them at all, knowing that it would not go well for the friendships. These are not deep friendships, but nice to have around the office to spitball ideas on work things with or go grab some coffee and talk about our kids. Could you compartmentalize the older friends like this? Or is it just too far gone? I think either option would be fine and normal.

+1 to the bolded.

I'm genuinely astonished that people let politics and/or religion stand in the way of friendships. Very few of my friends share my views, but I either (a) don't discuss hot topics with them, or (b) enjoy discussing/debating the hot topics with them.

When did people lose the ability to disagree civilly?

My feelings exactly. I guess it just boils down to having a closed mind. I'm friends with someone so far religiously right that to me, she's absolutely fascinating. She doesn't believe in science (I'm exaggerating a bit) but it really is interesting he ring her views. She's respectful of mine and I of hers. Ive learned a lot from her about "the other side" and frankly realize that in the end most everyone just wants a happy life and this is her version of a happy life.

[Anonymous]

Totally normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could never be good friends with anyone who would vote for a racist bigot.
That in itself would always be a sore spot in our friendship continues.

It sounds like your friendships have simply run their course. It happens. It is a natural progression of life, your life has taken a new & different turn and you also have grown and evolved.

If being around them causes bad feelings for you, then spend less + less time in their company.

Then let the friendships dissolve completely on their own, such is life.

I think most whites are racist and I'm ok with that. I'm a minority (and a first generstion immigrant) who has been here over 40 years so have seen it all. Trump is only different in that he is speaking his mind which I appreciate - there is no cloak. Minorities are reverse racists as well. Everyone prefers their own kind. I don't have a party loyalty but plan to vote for Trump.