Vacation with sister and possible dynamics
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Anonymous
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I love my older sister; we get along really well, and truly enjoy our time together. We keep in touch frequently, even though we live in different areas of the country. So this isn't an "overall" sibling issue.
When we go on vacation (as we will do for a big family trip in August), my sister always gets on my case about being "too strict" with my kids. What she means by this is that my husband and I stick to our typical nap and night-sleep schedule, even though that means we can't do quite as much stuff/stay up as late. Her kids are older (8, 6 and 4) than mine (3 and 6 months). I also limit sugar, but I'm not crazy about it. My 3yo can absolutely have a cookie or a small piece of cake or whatever for dessert, but I'm firm about no soda and not too much candy at snack time, etc. So, for example, she'll get upset that we won't join them for every outing/won't cram as much activities into the day, because of naps. She doesn't like that my kids go to be early. But the reality is, if we deviate from the schedule, my toddler gets super cranky and wound up, and it's no fun to be around her, anyway! And the baby is...well, a baby, and definitely needs good naps and nights. In the past, I've let it roll off my back for a few mentions over a few days, before finally telling her to leave me alone, and we're not changing our schedules. Then, she gets upset and feels like I'm "judging her" for being a more permissive parent. (Which I'm not, at all; I don't say anything about her schedule or her kids, I just won't budge on our schedule and what is best for our kids. I don't say anything about what she lets her kids eat or drink; I truly don't care!) Do I send her an e-mail ahead of time? Do I say something at the start of the trip? Do I just let it play out again? It makes me kind of anxious/disappointed. We have a good relationship, but this comes up EVERY TIME! |
Anonymous
| Your kids will be older in a few years. Let it go. I would not cave in with the candy, sweets or sugar. |
Anonymous
| Practice saying "this is what works best for us! but you all go and have fun!" in your cheeriest voice. Repeat as many times as needed. |
Anonymous
| I'd say that we have our family rules/rituals, she has hers. No one is judging eachother. If she says something on the trip the very first time say this and tell her please don't bring it up again, let's just enjoy eachother's company and agree to disagree on our parenting styles/rules. |
Anonymous
This, OP, this. Good advice. So is the idea of asking her not to bring it up and saying lets' agree to disagree on rules about sleep and food. I'm surprised your sister has forgotten that a six-month-old will have hell to pay (and so will the parents) if the sleep and nap schedules get messed up just so everyone can do some outing. If she's really persistent, you might need to tell her with that cheery voice, "Hey, sis, remember when YourChild was six months old? You know that if I let MyBaby skip a nap or try to nap on the beach, I guarantee you'll be up when you hear baby fussing from being overtired at bedtime. That's not good for anyone's vacation, if we're all hearing a fussing baby who's cranky through the night. You go do X and we'll see you after!" Maybe you can take your three-year-old to do some things with her and her kids while your spouse stays back at the house during the baby's nap? Tag-team it when you can. There is no reason that you and both kids and your spouse ALL have to do every actvitity with her and her kids. In fact, I'd maybe offer to take her four-year-old and your three-year-old somewhere while your spouse is with the baby, and thus give sister some time where she can take her older kids to do something that they'd find fun but the three- and four-year-olds couldn't really do. Get her to mix things up more, if she seems stuck on the idea that "we all have to do everything together every time." Too much togetherness isn't great for anyone when you're together on vacation. |
Anonymous
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People forget that a 3 year old usually still take an afternoon nap. Remind her. Did she let he kids skip naps?
For vacation, I would be a bit flexible about it. it is like this with my family. 3 siblings with kids who refuse to nap so they break down about 4pm or when we are about to head out to dinner! I on the other hand have a 6 year old and he's much more active than all of the other kids and last longer with physical activities. So, I have to remind myself that the other kids are 4 and below. But, it's not only the difference in age. The physical movement of the kids vary. All the kids are very sedentary and so are the parents. With us, we are the opposite. We are out the door at the beach by 9am while others don't make it out there till noon. I am strict about the sugar intake too but on vacation, I don't make it too big of a deal. While the other kids consume a lot of juice and cookies, candies, cakes. Not a big deal-almost like I've given up cause my DH doesn't want our child to feel left out cause everyone else is having ice cream, cake or whatever triple loaded with sugar. That's when I just turn to my kid and say, you know what, make your own decision (he's 6). Just remember if you have cake at lunch, skip it in the evening-something like that. So, work out the schedule that fits you and keep reminding her that if the kids cry, what am I going to do about it? are you going to help me calm them? I guess sleeping at the beach is ok, not too bad. |
Anonymous
| You don't sound very smart for even going in this vacation. Vacations should be relaxing. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
| If u talk on the phone it may be better that way just to say "hey I think what would work better for both of us is to not try to change each other's minds on parenting topics." Make it sound like it's both ways and give the examples of snack/treat talk and naps. If she barks just sound sad and tell her it doesn't feel very vacation to be chastised. |