Regulatory Kids and Bad Play Dates

[Anonymous]

Play dates are a schools way of determining if there are any 'issues' with our children. Can anyone tell me what exactly admissions people look for in a play date in particular and how they can pick up problems with kids who do have regulatory issues? I don't want to outright tell them about DC's reg issues because they are mild. But at the same time I think it'll be obvious in some way to the trained eye. So what do they look for?

[Anonymous]

Well I am not a professional but I can tell you what my son's OT said about him during an observation of him at preschool that were red flags to her as far as having "issues." Keep in mind though that just b/c the admissions people and teachers are in education does not mean they necessarily know about sensory/regulatory issues. Problems w/ transitions are one thing that kids w/ regulatory problems exhibit as well as transitioning from "high energy activities" like running around on the playground to "low energy activities" like sitting down and attending to a story during circle time. Also, in my son's case, he has tactile issues so he didn't want to touch or be touched by other kids and adults or have anything to do w/ messy things like fingerpaints, glue, etc. Kids who either are really off in their own world or are constantly touching, pushing, bumping into others is a red flag. My son's OT said she wished all educators had to take a course about sensory issues since many of them are still clueless about the red flags. What are your son's particular issues? Is he in OT? If so, ask the OT what things she notice about him that maybe a "regular" person would miss.

[Anonymous]

My son is a sensory craver. So he likes to touch objects of his interest. But he doesn't bump or touch people. But sometimes even if the teacher tells him not to touch the plant, he will touch it. He fidgets constantly during circle time. And the most noticeable thing is that he seems to have a hard time sitting down. He will put his head down at times. Wonder if this is due to low muscle tone.

[Anonymous]

I hear you on the plant thing. I think it's an impulse issue with my kid, it's like the rest of the sentence doesn't register, just "PLANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!".

I know that we were asked to play with messy materials at at least 1 playdate. They often do a little circle time too.

Have you ever tried one of those bumpy cushions with him? That or sometimes holding a weighted beanbag helps my kiddo sit.

[Anonymous]

I don't want to outright tell them about DC's reg issues because they are mild. But at the same time I think it'll be obvious

There will be a point in the application process, usually on the written application, where the school will ask you outright whether your child has received an evaluation and/or therapy. I am assuming since you know the lingo perfectly that the honest answer for your child is Yes, DC has had an eval / therapy. Is that correct? If so, is your plan to tell the truth -- or to lie?

If not on the written application, then the intended school will likely glean the same information from your DC's current preschool teacher on the confidential teacher evaluation.

Which brings me to my point, which is, you should be honest about your child so that they are able to view the playdate in context. In the event that your DC is still constantly fidgeting during the story at the playdate (each playdate has one), they'll understand what they're seeing and not be forced to guess.

[Anonymous]

In a perfect world where schools did not stigmatize or negatively judge and were accepting of issues I would tell them the truth. But we don't live in that world and we all know that. And if schools are going to harshly judge DC, and many do, I will do whatever it takes to protect him. We live in a world where schools don't seem to want to deal with children like ours. Our psychiatrist says DC is not special needs because the issues are so mild. But they're still noticeable and warrant attention. Yet he is treated as though he has a severe disability when I inform schools. Teachers have whispered about him to other admin staff. Some schools have even rejected him. I'll speak about those issues in descriptive terms but never give them an evaluation or report with a diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

Do you really want your child to attend a school where they 1) will "talk" about him amongst the staff like he is some circus freak show attraction and 2) cannot do anything to help or even make attempts to accommodate him? If the school figures out that he has issues (however mild), they can just ask him to leave if he can't pull his own weight. If the application doesn't ask about evaluations, his current preschool will have to tell them (assuming his current preschool knows about those evals). Depending on his issues, some of them could be quite obvious during a playdate. My DS is very tactile defensive too so he will avoid circle time sitting next to other kids at all costs! His current preschool teacher finally figured out if she let the kids in the class sit in chairs in a semi circle instead of on the floor, he was fine. He just has an intense need for personal space. He also won't walk in line unless he is at the end. In his case, it would be very obvious that something was up during a playdate. I wouldn't not tell the schools b/c then I would be setting him up to fail. By keeping it a secret, it is like saying that he is a normally developing child and he is not. But I am also not ashamed of him either. It is a neurological disorder that he is learning to overcome. If a private school doesn't want to deal w/ the small accommodations that are necessary to make him successful then it isn't the right place for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you really want your child to attend a school where they 1) will "talk" about him amongst the staff like he is some circus freak show attraction and 2) cannot do anything to help or even make attempts to accommodate him? If the school figures out that he has issues (however mild), they can just ask him to leave if he can't pull his own weight. If the application doesn't ask about evaluations, his current preschool will have to tell them (assuming his current preschool knows about those evals). Depending on his issues, some of them could be quite obvious during a playdate. My DS is very tactile defensive too so he will avoid circle time sitting next to other kids at all costs! His current preschool teacher finally figured out if she let the kids in the class sit in chairs in a semi circle instead of on the floor, he was fine. He just has an intense need for personal space. He also won't walk in line unless he is at the end. In his case, it would be very obvious that something was up during a playdate. I wouldn't not tell the schools b/c then I would be setting him up to fail. By keeping it a secret, it is like saying that he is a normally developing child and he is not. But I am also not ashamed of him either. It is a neurological disorder that he is learning to overcome. If a private school doesn't want to deal w/ the small accommodations that are necessary to make him successful then it isn't the right place for him.

Many schools with fantastic educational programs will make a bigger deal of his issues than is necessary, simply because they are afraid of tarnishing their reputation. I want DC to get the best education possible but not be stigmatized or treated badly. So if I have to hide a bit to get him a better education, I will. Besides, I am still disclosing his issues, but just not with a label. For example, I don't say he's been dx with a reg issue, I say "He has mild attention issues" and "He is intensely curious and needs to explore though touch sometimes" or "He needs regular exercise to get his wiggles out."

Moreover, I have been to a few schools that do cater to special needs and I can't say they were educational powerhouses.

His problems are so minor that his current preschool did not make an issue of it and, in fact, when I did tell the teacher, she said she, too, does not consider him special needs. But certainly they warrant some extra attention.

[Anonymous]

To the PP- By telling the schools what you plan on telling them, they know what you are talking about. They aren't stupid. I wouldn't say anything at all esp if the preschool isn't going to say anything. But if you say "He is curious and needs to explore through touch" or "He has mild attention issues" they know what you mean. Maybe if they are short on applicants or you can pay in full, they might be inclined to accept him. But don't hold your breath.

[Anonymous]

agree with 12:37; they'll know what you're talking about and you're not going to gain points in their eyes by being coy.

What's more, they'll know what they're SEEing during the playdate. It sounds as if you have taken your child already to some playdates ("some schools have even rejected him"). If you have, then you know that the k-8/12 schools have their veteran teachers prowling the room with a clipboard and staring at each kid.

They can tell the difference between a boy who'd just rather be playing than listening to Harry the Dirty Dog VS. a boy who cannot pay attention, period, or who at age 4.5 will not sit down once even when told he should sit down and is roaming the room pulling on plants. Typically developing at 14 mos; no longer typical at 52 mos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:agree with 12:37; they'll know what you're talking about and you're not going to gain points in their eyes by being coy.

What's more, they'll know what they're SEEing during the playdate. It sounds as if you have taken your child already to some playdates ("some schools have even rejected him"). If you have, then you know that the k-8/12 schools have their veteran teachers prowling the room with a clipboard and staring at each kid.

They can tell the difference between a boy who'd just rather be playing than listening to Harry the Dirty Dog VS. a boy who cannot pay attention, period, or who at age 4.5 will not sit down once even when told he should sit down and is roaming the room pulling on plants. Typically developing at 14 mos; no longer typical at 52 mos.

I took him on one play date and they rejected him but that was when he was 3.5 years old. At 4.5 he was accepted, however. He sits for circle time but with great difficulty (wiggles around alot, can't seem to sit). If he's told to sit down once he will, though not happily. So what are my options with him? What schools will accept him? If I tell them I'm doomed, if I don't I'm still doomed.

[Anonymous]

How about public school? At least for elementary school. I doubt any privates would accept my son even though he is bright and more than capable of doing the work. Private schools who are not set up to deal w/ kids w/ sensory issues are not going to accept kids who don't present as anything but normally developing. Why would they? They do not have the resources to deal with them. What private schools have you looked at that are set up for mild regulatory problems? What is wrong w/ them? The only other option would be public school.

[Anonymous]

Why do you feel privates would not accept your son if he's capable of doing the work?

To answer your question - what private schools are set up for mild reg problems? Not sure. But Maret has a whole web page devoted to discussing how they might handle kids with milder issues. It sounds like they can do some things for kids with attention issues. Not sure if they know how to handle sensory issues though. But maybe this is all politically correct hogwash. Maybe they just have this web page but don't really want to handle kids with any mild issues.

[Anonymous]

My son is really smart and could do the work w/ no problems but he would never make it past the playdate. They would see for themselves that he won't want to sit down next to other kids (tactile defensiveness) and that he has lots of trouble w/ transitions like lots of sensory kids. He also has trouble coming down from being all wound up by physical exercise (he is the kid still running around 5 mins after recess ends). On good days, he may have no problems at all. He works w/ an OT every week on these issues.

[Anonymous]

You know our OT says when a child has difficulty coming down from physical exercise it is because they are not getting enough OT on a daily basis throughout the day. Maybe he could get some exercise before school begins, then again at recess, and then as soon as he gets home.

If your son can do the work with no difficulty and only has problems sitting down next to other child, that should not be a cause for rejection. Why don't the schools just let him sit in a chair or give him extra space?