I need help accepting the relationship my ILs have w our children

[Anonymous]

I don't know where to start, so please bear with me. A part of this is a vent - part of it is asking for books, resources, therapists for how to come to terms with the relationship.

My MIL and FIL live about 6 hours away. They are both retired in their late 60s and in decent health. Over the last 2 years their visits have gotten less frequent and shorter. They were in for the weekend for a major milestone for my DD and instead of coming in on Friday like they traditionally do, they arrived Saturday at 6PM. They visited Sat night for about 2 hours, attended the milestone event Sunday and post celebration. Went back to hotel Sunday around 7:30 PM and did not stop by this morning before getting on the road.

My children were disappointed. When I picked them up from school on Friday they ran asking if they were here yet and I told them no - they are coming tomorrow. Clearly since they arrived at 6PM on Sat - they did not hit the road 1st thing as if they did they would have arrived much earlier. My ILs even commented on how light the traffic was for the drive. I found out later the reason for the delay was they needed to help out my SIL.

I can't mention it to my husband b/c every time I do his response is that his dad has mental health issues which limit his ability. I am not sure what abilities they impact b/c my FIL takes care of my SILs children. (In the morning gets the kids up, breakfast and off to the school bus and in the afternoon he meets the school bus). So if there were serious concerns, he would not (should not) be responsible for3 kids each day. [my bil and sil both have good jobs, nice new cars, the children are always in nice clothes and the can afford to pay for a babysitter but my FIL always volunteers]

So why do I care? The relationship / interaction my children have with these grandparents is going down. We visit them at least 2 times a year for a week each visit - but inevitably when we visit the other cousin's are around and the grand parents pay attention to them. [example - my FIL was playing a board game with my DS over Christmas vacation. My niece woke up from her nap and at the 1st peep in the baby monitor my FIL ran up the stairs to get her. It is not as if it was a safety issue, the child was in her own bed and her parent's were in the room with the rest of us and also heard the cries. By the time my FIL came back down, my 5 YO left the game as he got tired waiting]

I guess I expected that my IL's would treat all of the grand kids similarly. For example - for another grandchild who also lived 6 hours away, they went to every dance recital, birthday party, and mini-milestone (K graduation ceremony). For the school play for my children (DS has a major role) they can't make it. So there are definitely elements of jealously that I need to deal with.

I need to just embrace frozen and sing in my head "Let it Go" but it really bothers me and no matter how much I try to just come to terms that this is what it is, it is not working.

If anyone has techniques for dealing with similar issue I would love to hear it.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[Anonymous]

Just curious OP, how rigid have you been over the years with the whole dcum no treats, nap time at x time only, no plastic/battery powered toys, quit buying clothes/toys/books/snacks/Christmas presents not on my Amazon list, only hand picked locally farmed organic kale, no meat, no TV, no screen time...band wagon that so many of the dcum moms insist upon?

If you look at things honestly and objectively, have you made it a little difficult for them to feel like important parts of the kids lives, especially when they were younger and you were a newer mom?

It may just be that SIL has always been more welcoming of their involvement and interest and more understanding of their indulgences and shortfalls, so that it is just naturally easier for them to be involved grandparents for the cousins than it is for your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I expected that my IL's would treat all of the grand kids similarly. For example - for another grandchild who also lived 6 hours away, they went to every dance recital, birthday party, and mini-milestone (K graduation ceremony).

When was this involvement with the other distant grandchildren? You've already said things have changed in the last two years. My parents are wonderful, involved grandparents, and I can still see how their energy and involvement has changed in the 8 years between the oldest and youngest grandchildren

[Anonymous]

That would hurt me too, OP.
My ILs have always been closer to the older grandchildren because they lived close by and my FIL and MIL used to take care of them quite extensively.
I arrived much later on the scene, my kids were born when they were significantly older and less energetic and to top it all off we live far away!
So I don't blame my ILs at all - it's not their fault.

But your situation is weird - I understand that your children are the oldest grandchildren, and that other grand kids live just as far away from them as you.
Do they somehow dislike you or your husband?
D they not appreciate spending time in a hotel?
Is the atmosphere in your house somehow fatiguing or unpleasant for them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just curious OP, how rigid have you been over the years with the whole dcum no treats, nap time at x time only, no plastic/battery powered toys, quit buying clothes/toys/books/snacks/Christmas presents not on my Amazon list, only hand picked locally farmed organic kale, no meat, no TV, no screen time...band wagon that so many of the dcum moms insist upon?

If you look at things honestly and objectively, have you made it a little difficult for them to feel like important parts of the kids lives, especially when they were younger and you were a newer mom?

It may just be that SIL has always been more welcoming of their involvement and interest and more understanding of their indulgences and shortfalls, so that it is just naturally easier for them to be involved grandparents for the cousins than it is for your children.

We are a go with the flow family. My SIL is actually the you can't hold the baby until you show proof of flu shot, can't come over when infant napping, only organic foods family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious OP, how rigid have you been over the years with the whole dcum no treats, nap time at x time only, no plastic/battery powered toys, quit buying clothes/toys/books/snacks/Christmas presents not on my Amazon list, only hand picked locally farmed organic kale, no meat, no TV, no screen time...band wagon that so many of the dcum moms insist upon?

If you look at things honestly and objectively, have you made it a little difficult for them to feel like important parts of the kids lives, especially when they were younger and you were a newer mom?

It may just be that SIL has always been more welcoming of their involvement and interest and more understanding of their indulgences and shortfalls, so that it is just naturally easier for them to be involved grandparents for the cousins than it is for your children.

We are a go with the flow family. My SIL is actually the you can't hold the baby until you show proof of flu shot, can't come over when infant napping, only organic foods family.

Sre you too go with the flow then?

As in, your kids are more spirited or independent from less helicoptering? That can be just as trying for some old people than the typical dcum uptight controlling mom.

My guess is that there is something about how SIL parents that makes visiting their house much more enjoyable than your house.

[Anonymous]

Are the other grandchildren the children of your husband's brother(s) or your husband's sister(s)?

I've found grandparents are closer with their daughter's children. This seems to be the case in my family, where my parents have 2 daughters and 3 sons and also in my husband's family, which is made up of 5 daughters and 1 son.

I've always rationalized it because women tend to stay closer to their families, while men tend to go where their wives lead them. My ILs are closer to their daughers' kids than mine. My parents are closer to my sister's and my kids than they are to my brother's children.

[Anonymous]

Your FIL is taking care of his other grandchildren. He views them as his responsibility now, and probably feels like he is important, wanted, and actively contributing. It's not about the money, or the fact that they can afford a babysitter. If he has mental health issues, perhaps these children give him purpose.
My sister's family lives 4 hours away, and we live 10 minutes from my parents. They are so involved in my kids' lives. Too involved. But, my father had to retire earlier than he wanted to due to some health issues. He now lives for these grandkids. I wish we saw them less, but I know what joy he gets from "helping." They hate driving and rarely see my sister's kids. I feel guilty about this, but I know it's not because he doesn't like them or because my sister did something wrong. It's just easier to put his energies into the kids who live down the road.
I wonder if you can let them know how disappointed the kids were that they were there for such a short visit, without being too guilt-grippy about it. Maybe he needs to see that these grandkids need him too.

[Anonymous]

I grew up with one set of close grandparents and one set of once-a-year grandparents. It was no big deal. I was a little surprised as an older teen to find out the other cousins were much closer with the once-a-year grandparents than I was, but again, no big deal. Some people will be closer than others - that's life.

Let it be. Let the kids ask the grandparents if they want. It's their relationship - you can't really be in the middle of it.

[Anonymous]

I'm not understanding the logistics here.

You say the grandparents are equidistant from both sets of children, but you also say grandfather cares daily for SIL's kids and gets them on schoolbus, etc. How is that possible from six hours away?

OP, if grandparents live locally to other grandkids, of course they see them more often and spend more time with them. That's just going to be natural. And I just don't see any problem with the schedule. As people age, you are going to have to travel to them.

For what it's worth, I posted a similar post about my parents coming to town and seeing very little of my child between napping and resting and I got mostly answers that this was normal. I did not set up a competitive dynamic with my B/SIL,

[Anonymous]

It's your husband's relationship to manage.

They're his parents. If he's not asking you to push the status quo- and in fact you say he doesn't want to talk about it -- then don't push.

Your kids love your ILs enough to want to see them- which is why they were disappointed the visit was shortened. That means they have a decent connection. Plus you're doing the two trips.

The only way your kids are getting a sense that they're less valued than the cousins is if you are the one conveying that message.

This is not a relationship you can manage. So stop dwelling on it. Your kids are fine. They're not the center of you in laws' life but they do have a connection.

Don't make yourself miserable comparing yourself to the more involved cousins. That honestly sounds like ego, not that there's actually anything wrong.

[Anonymous]

Does the other family make them stay in a hotel? Neither of our families would ever come to visit if it meant staying in a hotel

[Anonymous]

Yeah OP, I have a retired parent that can't be bothered to visit my kids. If I don't pack up the whole family and visit her, it doesn't happen. No advice, just sympathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not understanding the logistics here.

You say the grandparents are equidistant from both sets of children, but you also say grandfather cares daily for SIL's kids and gets them on schoolbus, etc. How is that possible from six hours away?

OP, if grandparents live locally to other grandkids, of course they see them more often and spend more time with them. That's just going to be natural. And I just don't see any problem with the schedule. As people age, you are going to have to travel to them.

For what it's worth, I posted a similar post about my parents coming to town and seeing very little of my child between napping and resting and I got mostly answers that this was normal. I did not set up a competitive dynamic with my B/SIL,

Where did OP say that? I think there are 3 sets. Two far away, one local. Local gets all the attention. Other far away family used to get a lot of attention when the kids were OP's kids' ages, so OP had those expectations for her kids. Now OP's kids get little attention compared to what the other families get/got in the past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's your husband's relationship to manage.

They're his parents. If he's not asking you to push the status quo- and in fact you say he doesn't want to talk about it -- then don't push.

Your kids love your ILs enough to want to see them- which is why they were disappointed the visit was shortened. That means they have a decent connection. Plus you're doing the two trips.

The only way your kids are getting a sense that they're less valued than the cousins is if you are the one conveying that message.

This is not a relationship you can manage. So stop dwelling on it. Your kids are fine. They're not the center of you in laws' life but they do have a connection.

Don't make yourself miserable comparing yourself to the more involved cousins. That honestly sounds like ego, not that there's actually anything wrong.

Great advice.