I need help accepting the relationship my ILs have w our children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just curious OP, how rigid have you been over the years with the whole dcum no treats, nap time at x time only, no plastic/battery powered toys, quit buying clothes/toys/books/snacks/Christmas presents not on my Amazon list, only hand picked locally farmed organic kale, no meat, no TV, no screen time...band wagon that so many of the dcum moms insist upon?

If you look at things honestly and objectively, have you made it a little difficult for them to feel like important parts of the kids lives, especially when they were younger and you were a newer mom?

It may just be that SIL has always been more welcoming of their involvement and interest and more understanding of their indulgences and shortfalls, so that it is just naturally easier for them to be involved grandparents for the cousins than it is for your children.

That was my first thought. It is likely that many of the posts of this nature are a direct result of the actions of the one ranting. Peruse the family thread. It's can do nothing right from getting the wrong toy, too many toys or not enough toys, giving treats, eating too much food, or the wrong food themselves, visiting too much or not enough, having differences of opinion on a myriad of topics, hell, even taking a dump in the powder room. When your expectations are unreasonable, too controlling, too one-sided, too judgmental, etc., you will reap what you sow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are the other grandchildren the children of your husband's brother(s) or your husband's sister(s)?

I've found grandparents are closer with their daughter's children. This seems to be the case in my family, where my parents have 2 daughters and 3 sons and also in my husband's family, which is made up of 5 daughters and 1 son.

I've always rationalized it because women tend to stay closer to their families, while men tend to go where their wives lead them. My ILs are closer to their daughers' kids than mine. My parents are closer to my sister's and my kids than they are to my brother's children.

This could simply be that they don't have to deal with crazy, controlling dil's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are the other grandchildren the children of your husband's brother(s) or your husband's sister(s)?

I've found grandparents are closer with their daughter's children. This seems to be the case in my family, where my parents have 2 daughters and 3 sons and also in my husband's family, which is made up of 5 daughters and 1 son.

I've always rationalized it because women tend to stay closer to their families, while men tend to go where their wives lead them. My ILs are closer to their daughers' kids than mine. My parents are closer to my sister's and my kids than they are to my brother's children.

This could simply be that they don't have to deal with crazy, controlling dil's.

My in laws are much closer to my SIL's children and have been since my children have been infants. Even before we had kids, MIL said that she didn't know if she could help out since she will probably need to help SIL. It bothered me a lot when the kids were young, but now that they are teenagers and have long since been fully aware of the favoritism displayed towards their cousins, I have just let things go. It helps that they are very close to their cousins and SIL is wonderful. I've come to the point in my life where I realize my kids will never feel close to that set of grandparents and it is the grandparents loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's your husband's relationship to manage.

They're his parents. If he's not asking you to push the status quo- and in fact you say he doesn't want to talk about it -- then don't push.

Your kids love your ILs enough to want to see them- which is why they were disappointed the visit was shortened. That means they have a decent connection. Plus you're doing the two trips.

The only way your kids are getting a sense that they're less valued than the cousins is if you are the one conveying that message.

This is not a relationship you can manage. So stop dwelling on it. Your kids are fine. They're not the center of you in laws' life but they do have a connection.

Don't make yourself miserable comparing yourself to the more involved cousins. That honestly sounds like ego, not that there's actually anything wrong.

Great advice.

I agree with this, too.

Also to whoever said that grandparents are usually closer to their own daughter's kids. Its true in our family. Its just the way it is. You need to chill.

[Anonymous]

They live 6 hours away, it isn't worth getting worked up about due to the distance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are the other grandchildren the children of your husband's brother(s) or your husband's sister(s)?

I've found grandparents are closer with their daughter's children. This seems to be the case in my family, where my parents have 2 daughters and 3 sons and also in my husband's family, which is made up of 5 daughters and 1 son.

I've always rationalized it because women tend to stay closer to their families, while men tend to go where their wives lead them. My ILs are closer to their daughers' kids than mine. My parents are closer to my sister's and my kids than they are to my brother's children.

My ILs always favoured their daughter's children. It was shockingly rude, but she is their only daughter and they have 4 sons. The cousins just knew it was like "Marsha, Marsha, Marsha" from the Brady Bunch. The grandchildren are all adults now, but it was hard to take when they were little. We actually live much closer to the ILs too.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the poster who says this is about FIL's involvement as primary caregiver to the other grandchildren. If there are baby monitors involved, then this is a new development to some extent.

It sounds like he thinks of those kids as "his own" and doesn't want to leave them. He may also be tired of kid stuff because he's taking care of them, much like we parents are.

OP, I think your in-laws have basically become parents again, and are less available as grandparents. I find this strange, but maybe there's a reason it's happening and that it's really a good thing for those kids. Or not.

[Anonymous]

My parents are also much closer to my sister's children because they live nearby and regularly babysit. They used to live 8 hrs away from sis and across the country from us but visited both of us about the same when all our children were babies/toddlers. I did get a bit jealous when they moved to live near sister because they then started babysitting regularly for her and therefore couldn't travel to see us as much because my sister needed them.

As the kids have gotten older, it's been less of an issue since I think it's easier to maintain those connections between visits plus my kids have forged their own connections with their grandparents. For example, neither of the local grandsons are interested in golf but golfing with my dad is one of my DS's favorite things. So we've started him in golf lessons here with my dad providing encouragement - and equipment - from afar.

It's also helpful to look at the long view -- I realize my sister is benefiting from having my parents there to help with her kids and have that special relationship but the burden of caring for them as they age will also fall on her. I'll, of course, help as I can from a distance when that time comes but the reality is that the local kid is the lead on aging parent issues.

[Anonymous]

Don't compare the various relationships to the one they have with your kids. After all they are your ILs. If it was your own parents, that's one thing, but they aren't. Yes, let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They live 6 hours away, it isn't worth getting worked up about due to the distance.

Agreed. Just let it go and cultivate relationships with friends and relatives who are nearer. Not everyone has to be so involved in everyone else's life. Also, what about FaceTime or Skype? We do that weekly with my in laws between visits.