Disappointed in DD, can I say anything to her?

[Anonymous]

I have a young adult DD who is delightful in many, many ways. She works very hard, is very responsible, and usually treats others well. We've always given her positive feedback, and celebrated her successes.

However, it has recently made me so sad to see how she treats her younger sibling. If younger sibling has an accomplishment, she will say "yippee" in a sarcastic way and then walk away. It's like she is looking for any opportunity to put in a dig. It's very negative and has affected my even wanting to be around her.

What should I do?
Should I address her rudeness on a case by case basis? Or should I take her aside and talk with her about it.
She can get very defensive, so I want to tread carefully.
I'm thinking maybe a light rejoinder of some kind would be good, but can't think of anything beyond, "how rude!" or "wow that's mean!"

Any advice here? She's a great person otherwise, but this is wearing on me.

[Anonymous]

Pretty obnoxious, but it has to be coming from some kind of pain.

Step 1: Any idea what's going on with her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pretty obnoxious, but it has to be coming from some kind of pain.

Step 1: Any idea what's going on with her?

OP here. She has always been jealous of younger sibling since she was a little girl. As they've gotten older, they seem to get along better, and even enjoy each others' company at times. When DD is under stress, she becomes extremely intense in general. She is looking for a full time job and perhaps she is jealous that younger sibling does not have that kind of pressure on them yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty obnoxious, but it has to be coming from some kind of pain.

Step 1: Any idea what's going on with her?

OP here. She has always been jealous of younger sibling since she was a little girl. As they've gotten older, they seem to get along better, and even enjoy each others' company at times. When DD is under stress, she becomes extremely intense in general. She is looking for a full time job and perhaps she is jealous that younger sibling does not have that kind of pressure on them yet.

Only you know what kind of relationship you have with your daughter. Is she the kind of daughter who comes to you with things and seeks comfort/guidance or does she keep it close to the vest with you? If you have a history of talking about things, you might approach this from a "is there anything you want to talk about" angle vs. a "you are being mean to your sibling" angle. If you don't normally have heart-to-hearts, it might be better to just acknowledge the rudeness in the moment.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't say anything about her behavior. I would talk to her about what she's going through, express empathy, maybe do something special with her. Emphasize that your proud of her regardless of her job search. Help her feel better, she'll treat others better. It's hard to celebrate someone else's success when you are going through a rough patch. Yes, it's petty, but even adults have a hard time. Praise any positive interactions you see between the two!

[Anonymous]

What is wrong with showing and telling our kids when we are disappointed in them?

This generwtionnof parents have worked so hard and bent over backwards trying to make sure that our kids never know what it means to feal guilt when they have done wrong, experience shame for shameful behavior, or have their self esteem "damaged" in any way from any bad or negative feeling that really should be a learning tool and character builder.

We now have a collection of young adults and college students that think that they deserve nothing but praise and who think that free speech shoukd be removed from the constitution over protecting any type of perceived hurt feelings.

We have failed this generation of teens and young adults.

[Anonymous]

Yes you should say something. Being stressed out or jealous doesn't give her license to be rude to others. Better her to learn this early, and from you, than later from someone who doesn't care about her the way you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say anything about her behavior. I would talk to her about what she's going through, express empathy, maybe do something special with her. Emphasize that your proud of her regardless of her job search. Help her feel better, she'll treat others better. It's hard to celebrate someone else's success when you are going through a rough patch. Yes, it's petty, but even adults have a hard time. Praise any positive interactions you see between the two!

She is not a four year old. She is a young adult.

You tell her to knock it off, she is being immature and rude and not acting like an adult, and that as a memeber of this family we support each other and celebrate and acknowledge each other's achievements. You tell her she is not a 13 yeat old going through middle school and puberty so she needs to quit acting like one, and if she must be rude she needs to not say anything at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say anything about her behavior. I would talk to her about what she's going through, express empathy, maybe do something special with her. Emphasize that your proud of her regardless of her job search. Help her feel better, she'll treat others better. It's hard to celebrate someone else's success when you are going through a rough patch. Yes, it's petty, but even adults have a hard time. Praise any positive interactions you see between the two!

She is not a four year old. She is a young adult.

You tell her to knock it off, she is being immature and rude and not acting like an adult, and that as a memeber of this family we support each other and celebrate and acknowledge each other's achievements. You tell her she is not a 13 yeat old going through middle school and puberty so she needs to quit acting like one, and if she must be rude she needs to not say anything at all.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say anything about her behavior. I would talk to her about what she's going through, express empathy, maybe do something special with her. Emphasize that your proud of her regardless of her job search. Help her feel better, she'll treat others better. It's hard to celebrate someone else's success when you are going through a rough patch. Yes, it's petty, but even adults have a hard time. Praise any positive interactions you see between the two!

Give me a break. Just because it's hard doesn't mean it shouldn't be done. This young woman isn't going to have many friends in life if she can't be gracious about others' successes and good news. OP should absolutely say something to her DD -- it's a lesson that needs to be learned. I disagree with PP above that an entire generation is going down the tubes, though. There are plenty of empathetic and hard-working young adults around who know what it means to fail and to feel bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say anything about her behavior. I would talk to her about what she's going through, express empathy, maybe do something special with her. Emphasize that your proud of her regardless of her job search. Help her feel better, she'll treat others better. It's hard to celebrate someone else's success when you are going through a rough patch. Yes, it's petty, but even adults have a hard time. Praise any positive interactions you see between the two!

This is horrible parenting advice at any age. It sends the message that her behavior is acceptable, which it is not, regardless of what she is going through.

She is an adult. You don't really get to discipline her anymore, but that doesn't mean you can't express your disappointment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say anything about her behavior. I would talk to her about what she's going through, express empathy, maybe do something special with her. Emphasize that your proud of her regardless of her job search. Help her feel better, she'll treat others better. It's hard to celebrate someone else's success when you are going through a rough patch. Yes, it's petty, but even adults have a hard time. Praise any positive interactions you see between the two!

Give me a break. Just because it's hard doesn't mean it shouldn't be done. This young woman isn't going to have many friends in life if she can't be gracious about others' successes and good news. OP should absolutely say something to her DD -- it's a lesson that needs to be learned. I disagree with PP above that an entire generation is going down the tubes, though. There are plenty of empathetic and hard-working young adults around who know what it means to fail and to feel bad.

Yes, but a vast majority of them do not.

Ask any teacher or coach who works with teens. Ask college professors about the change in the "self esteeme" level of young adults as a group and of their inability to deal with anynegative reaction at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say anything about her behavior. I would talk to her about what she's going through, express empathy, maybe do something special with her. Emphasize that your proud of her regardless of her job search. Help her feel better, she'll treat others better. It's hard to celebrate someone else's success when you are going through a rough patch. Yes, it's petty, but even adults have a hard time. Praise any positive interactions you see between the two!

She is not a four year old. She is a young adult.

You tell her to knock it off, she is being immature and rude and not acting like an adult, and that as a memeber of this family we support each other and celebrate and acknowledge each other's achievements. You tell her she is not a 13 yeat old going through middle school and puberty so she needs to quit acting like one, and if she must be rude she needs to not say anything at all.

+100

Agree, and your younger daughter deserves your action also.

[Anonymous]

As my mother used to say, straighten up and fly right.

There is no excuse for her to treat her sister like that. You know it too. She's being mean and mean girls need taking down. Do your job.

[Anonymous]

I was not terribly mean to my younger sister when I was 12-18, but I wasn't great. I really wish my mom had spoken to me about it.

I know I was responsible for my own actions, but a reality check to help me realize how teen stupidity was hurting her may have got me to make more of an effort. She was 6 years younger.

I'm embarrassed now, at 40. Wish I had been better then, but I try now.

Talk to your DD, calmly and maybe she will ponder it.