I had to explain to DD today that her friend isn't really a friend

[Anonymous]

DD (8) has been friends with another girl in the neighborhood since they were toddlers. They have always attended different schools but have participated in various activities (sports, camp, parties) together. We see her around the neighborhood quite a bit and if she is alone she treats DD like a great pal. However, when this girl is with another friend she completely ignores my DD. My DD is quiet and sensitive and it is sad to watch. I had a conversation with DD today and explained that kind of behavior is not how real friends treat one another. I hope it was the right thing to do but I was tired of seeing her get treated like a doormat. Was it the right thing to do?

[Anonymous]

You did fine.

[Anonymous]

Of course. My son was teased and bullied mercilessly by a group of boys led by our next door neighbor. I had to put a firm stop to it, and tried to explain to my son how other people can act all friendly to draw you in, then turn on you for general entertainment. Two years later they're on casual speaking terms again, but my son will ever trust him again.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I started to have discussions like this when my kids were 5. That's when this kind of thing really starts, when they hit school age.

[Anonymous]

I'd use the term "fair weather friends".

[Anonymous]

Hmmmm... My kids are younger so I haven't had to navigate this yet. I probably would have probed dds feelings a little more to see if she came up with the same conclusion, rather than trekking her outright that the other girl is not a friend.

[Anonymous]

My dd (now 10) has been friends with a neighborhood kid the same age since before they could talk. Turns out this other kid has been telling other kids not to play with my kid for years at the school playground when my DD didn't want to play with this "best friend". Apparently the other was taking my kids toys and finally took something that meant a lot to my DD. We didn't initially believe it because we personally had never seen bad behavior. DD had a horrible breakup with this "best friend" over it and still misses the kid over a year later. I have seen behavior over the past year that has reinforced that my DD was bullied and abused by this kid. The fact we didn't initially believe DD's account hurt our relationship with her. We have spent months digging out of that hole.

You are wise to see this and lay it out for your child early. Support your child if she misses her friend, but so starts the tween years. Good luck and good job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I had a conversation with DD today and explained that kind of behavior is not how real friends treat one another.

Sounds pretty straightforward. If the conversation felt like a big deal to you, it could be a sign it was long overdue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD (8) has been friends with another girl in the neighborhood since they were toddlers. They have always attended different schools but have participated in various activities (sports, camp, parties) together. We see her around the neighborhood quite a bit and if she is alone she treats DD like a great pal. However, when this girl is with another friend she completely ignores my DD. My DD is quiet and sensitive and it is sad to watch. I had a conversation with DD today and explained that kind of behavior is not how real friends treat one another. I hope it was the right thing to do but I was tired of seeing her get treated like a doormat. Was it the right thing to do?

I had a very similar experience when I was a kid--a girl who would happily play with me one-on-one, but ignored me when others were around. I knew that it was because I wasn't "cool" enough for her to be seen with. It hurt, but my mom helped me deal with it. I think that as long as you let your daughter decide how she wants to deal with it, stating plainly that you don't think that this person is a real friend, because real friends treat each other with kindness and respect is just helping her get her bearings--that this is not normal friendship, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I had a conversation with DD today and explained that kind of behavior is not how real friends treat one another.

Sounds pretty straightforward. If the conversation felt like a big deal to you, it could be a sign it was long overdue.

PP here. Sorry, "long overdue" might be excessive, I don't want to overstep. Editing to just "overdue." The point is to keep that conversation going moving forward

[Anonymous]

I think you did fine.
I would also use yourself as examples sometimes so they know it's not just happening to them.

We usually use the sentences along the line of "do you want to be treated that way?" If not, then either stand up to them or ignore them, or don't make it a big deal or tell them how you want to be treated. Pretty much, treat others like the way you want to be treated. Same thing with other people's property, toys, time.
The sad part is, even if you do your part, it doesn't mean other parents do their part. They will encounter problematic kids. And when that happens, you won't be around so it's best to learn how to make good decisions on their own.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you did good.

I have a similar situation with my daughter, except she attends school with the neighborhood girl too. Anytime my daughter confides that she is sad this girl did this or that, I tell her if this girl doesn't make her feel happy she should hang out with other kids that make her feel happy.

This neighborhood girl did some very hurtful things to my daughter when she was younger and I'm still made at myself to this day that I didn't stick up for her because I was afraid of offending the girl's mother.

[Anonymous]

I guess I'm the lone voice of dissent. I think children can figure out who is their friend, and exactly how much. Your DD already knew that her friend is a sometime-friend. If your DD is happy about that, then she'll keep up the friendship, and if she's not, she won't. She doesn't need a lecture from mom about how, if a friend doesn't always treat you well, she's not a friend at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD (8) has been friends with another girl in the neighborhood since they were toddlers. They have always attended different schools but have participated in various activities (sports, camp, parties) together. We see her around the neighborhood quite a bit and if she is alone she treats DD like a great pal. However, when this girl is with another friend she completely ignores my DD. My DD is quiet and sensitive and it is sad to watch. I had a conversation with DD today and explained that kind of behavior is not how real friends treat one another. I hope it was the right thing to do but I was tired of seeing her get treated like a doormat. Was it the right thing to do?

I had a very similar experience when I was a kid--a girl who would happily play with me one-on-one, but ignored me when others were around. I knew that it was because I wasn't "cool" enough for her to be seen with. It hurt, but my mom helped me deal with it. I think that as long as you let your daughter decide how she wants to deal with it, stating plainly that you don't think that this person is a real friend, because real friends treat each other with kindness and respect is just helping her get her bearings--that this is not normal friendship, etc.

I've encountered this before a few times (once during ES--neighborhood friend "talking" behind my back) and then later in HS (a girl who I had started to befriend would only be friendly when another meaner girl wasn't around) when I had to move to another country during sophomore year. Fortunately, I had brothers who mistreated me way worse (knew what emotional buttons to push to really hurt me) so I was able to shrug off this stuff (learned to be more resilient to the outsiders). Yeah, it hurt, but I survived it. I realized it was much better to spend time with real friends than trying to get these mean girls to be nicer. Of course it sucks, but you are doing the right thing OP trying to help her understand this sooner.

I am dreading this for my daughter. I grew up with brothers so I never understood all the mean/cliquish behavior that girls can exhibit towards one another at such a young age.

[Anonymous]

We have the opposite problem over here. DD has a neighbor friend who doesn't go to the same school. DD was so excited to have her closest school friend over to meet neighbor friend. It was a disaster. Neighbor pouted and sniped and was a general nightmare. We didn't try that one again. Now DD is afraid to have anyone over at all, because neighbor gets mean and manipulative when she sees another kid in our yard or even a strange car in our driveway. I said some generic things to DD about treating people like you want to be treated and standing up for yourself, but I didn't really say "she's not your friend." Should I have? I don't know. I started redirecting/distracting DD from interacting with neighbor. Our family has been "busy" a lot lately. Now the mom hates me, but I don't care.