S/O: Stop saying 'they insist' when you mean 'you allow'

[Anonymous]

MIL doesn't get to "insist" on a later bedtime for your kids.
FIL doesn't get to "insist" on taking photos in the recovery room.
MIL doesn't get to "insist" on being in the hospital room when you give birth.
Your mom doesn't get to "insist" on you traveling to her house for every holiday.
Your parents don't get to "insist" on giving you heirloom china, when you hate the pattern and would rather have new.

You are allowing all these things to happen. You may decide that allowing it to happen is better than the hassle of not allowing it to happen, but it's still your decision. It is still on YOU.

Stop saying "they insist" when you mean "YOU allow."

[Anonymous]

The D in DCUM stands for Doormats.

[Anonymous]

Agree

[Anonymous]

Yep.

[Anonymous]

go back to DWIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:go back to DWIL

Had to Google that, but thanks for the chuckle! Now you go back to Doormats 'R' Us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The D in DCUM stands for Doormats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL doesn't get to "insist" on a later bedtime for your kids.
FIL doesn't get to "insist" on taking photos in the recovery room.
MIL doesn't get to "insist" on being in the hospital room when you give birth.
Your mom doesn't get to "insist" on you traveling to her house for every holiday.
Your parents don't get to "insist" on giving you heirloom china, when you hate the pattern and would rather have new.

You are allowing all these things to happen. You may decide that allowing it to happen is better than the hassle of not allowing it to happen, but it's still your decision. It is still on YOU.

Stop saying "they insist" when you mean "YOU allow."

Actually, people can insist on a person does thing X. Thing X only happens if the other person allows it to happen. One person insisting and the other person allowing are not mutually exclusive.

My mom insists that I should come visit for certain holidays every year...we only go every few years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL doesn't get to "insist" on a later bedtime for your kids.
FIL doesn't get to "insist" on taking photos in the recovery room.
MIL doesn't get to "insist" on being in the hospital room when you give birth.
Your mom doesn't get to "insist" on you traveling to her house for every holiday.
Your parents don't get to "insist" on giving you heirloom china, when you hate the pattern and would rather have new.

You are allowing all these things to happen. You may decide that allowing it to happen is better than the hassle of not allowing it to happen, but it's still your decision. It is still on YOU.

Stop saying "they insist" when you mean "YOU allow."

Actually, people can insist on a person does thing X. Thing X only happens if the other person allows it to happen. One person insisting and the other person allowing are not mutually exclusive.

My mom insists that I should come visit for certain holidays every year...we only go every few years.

Yes, this. My mother insists on a whole lot of stuff that I do not give in to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL doesn't get to "insist" on a later bedtime for your kids.
FIL doesn't get to "insist" on taking photos in the recovery room.
MIL doesn't get to "insist" on being in the hospital room when you give birth.
Your mom doesn't get to "insist" on you traveling to her house for every holiday.
Your parents don't get to "insist" on giving you heirloom china, when you hate the pattern and would rather have new.

You are allowing all these things to happen. You may decide that allowing it to happen is better than the hassle of not allowing it to happen, but it's still your decision. It is still on YOU.

Stop saying "they insist" when you mean "YOU allow."

Actually, people can insist on a person does thing X. Thing X only happens if the other person allows it to happen. One person insisting and the other person allowing are not mutually exclusive.

My mom insists that I should come visit for certain holidays every year...we only go every few years.

Yes, but you would never know that given these boards! "MIL insists my daughter have an extra cookie"....just...what?

[Anonymous]

Friendly amendment. Sometimes "you allow" is actually "husband agrees or gives in."

And then it's no longer about the in laws insisting. It's about your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Early 40's here and it took me 20+ years to stand up for myself. I am still shocked how inconsiderate most of my family is. But yes it is true and once realized very empowering.

[Anonymous]

For me it's:
1. A cold mathematical calculation as to how much backlash and suffering my decision is going to cause the family.
2. Also it's a matter of balancing principle and compassion. Certain things will always be NO on principle, so as not to enable some family members. Other things I can allow, knowing the family member sincerely cares about it and will be appreciative.

[Anonymous]

Making a change to the relationship, changing the dynamics of the relationship, takes time - but it will never happen if you don't start.

[Anonymous]

Amen. There should be a "problems of doormats" board in this forum. Not to mention an "I stupidly married and had kid with an asshole" board. But I digress.