How to end complaining spouse

[Anonymous]

My wife is a complainer. She hates her job. She hates living in the DC area (where we have jobs that pay decently in our fields). She hates the house we are renting. She hates that we can't afford a bigger, more expensive house. The list goes on.

Here is the thing. I think our lives are lovely. We have low-stress jobs with good hours. Yes, our jobs are boring but they pay decently and we are both loved by our employers. We don't work at night. Our kids are in a great preschool and doing well. We actually get random days off when the kids are in daycare where we spend the day together. We usually have time to meet for a quick drink and snack before picking up the kids. We're healthy. We actually enjoy each other's company (especially when she isn't complaining). Could we have more money and less debt? Sure. But we are making things work and things will get easier. They have gotten easier on the kids front. They sleep all night (were horrible sleepers as infants and toddlers). They are healthy. It's like we have two opposite views of the same thing and it's frustrating, hurtful, and isolating. It makes me pull away from my marriage because I feel like she thinks our lives suck and just regrets everything, including me and the kids.

And it's not the default parent thing. I do way, way more than her in terms of taking care of our lives. I do the cooking, the bulk of the cleaning, the laundry, keep track of kid details, sick days (I have unlimited sick leave), etc.

Anyway, I'm venting because I wish I could just put a stop to it. It makes me feel more alone in my marriage.

[Anonymous]

Questions:
1) do you think your wife is depressed?
2) Have you two talked about why she seems dissatisfied? Why now? What has changed?
3) Have you told her how you feel alone? What is her response?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she's not able to take a long-term view, while you are. Can you each make a list of the pros and cons of your lives and then share them with each other?

[Anonymous]

My first husband was one of these, but we didn't have much in common why we divorced. He was so negative, then became verbally abusive until I finally had it.

I would recommend telling her exactly what you just posted, you would like to see her become a glass half full type person. Sounds like a great life, but she needs to put a end to her complaining. Next time she does it, point all those things out.

[Anonymous]

Is there some part of her life that she didn't "want" and felt forced into and now that resent bleeds into everything else? i.e. didn't want to move to DC but you did; or didn't want kid no. 2 or 3 but you did; wanted a more "exciting" but longer hours jobs but took the stable boring job bc you wanted both of you guys to have that type of life?

I guess the question is -- is there some obvious change she wants to make that'll make her happier? Getting more money isn't that type of change -- but more like a different job or different city where you could have a shorter commute with a bigger house? Or do you think she JUST wants to complain?

[Anonymous]

I would not end your spouse. That is a good way to get arrested.

[Anonymous]

Some people just aren't happy unless they are unhappy. I'll never understand it. There is so much in life to appreciate and be thankful for without worrying about having a bigger home with fancy countertops and a glass door shower. I'm sorry your wife is like this. Was she always like this? This is the kind of person I could never marry. Happiness is not found in the highest paying job and the biggest, newest home.

[Anonymous]

She might not be aware of all the complaining. If that's the case, can you find a gentle way to clue her in? Does she have friends that she can vent to? I think a lot of women harbor similar complaints, but save them for the girls' night out or bitching session with a friend.

She might also feel guilty for the uneven split in your household chores and the guilt is fueling her irritation. I say that as someone who is experiencing this. My DH is just so much more easygoing, optimistic, and energetic, especially when it comes to kids and personal finances, that it makes me feel like a lazy partner who can't contribute her 50% to the family. And that makes me irritated. (I'm working on this.)

[Anonymous]

OP here. It's a push/pull thing. My wife wants to feel settled, build friendships, etc. She also wants to travel, live abroad, and not live in the DC area (we moved from an area we liked but had horrible career opportunities for us). She wanted a marriage and family and to live close to family (my family lives in the area and she adores them -- likes them more than her own). She also misses where we used to live, our friends there, and the lower cost of living. It's like this impossible thing. You can't have all of these things at once without being in more than one place at a time.

She said something that was the most hurtful. She said our lives feel like settling. I don't feel that way. I feel like I made the best decisions with the information I have and am happy with my choices. She doesn't.

And yes, her therapist diagnosed her with mild depression. She's resistant to medication but is going to therapy. It's a problem and a realization I've had about my marriage. I'm a pretty happy guy and upbeat about things. In fact, the first time I actually vocalized that the complaining was hurtful was when I told my wife how hurtful her comments were to me.

And apologies. I screwed up the title.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My first husband was one of these, but we didn't have much in common why we divorced. He was so negative, then became verbally abusive until I finally had it.

I would recommend telling her exactly what you just posted, you would like to see her become a glass half full type person. Sounds like a great life, but she needs to put a end to her complaining. Next time she does it, point all those things out.

Does it bother you that she is not happy or that she voices her discontent?

I am unhappy with my lovely life. I could and should have made better choices. There is no changing the past, and there is no ending my regrets. I don't complain about them though, because it is pointless. If your wife complains, there's hope some things can be changed for the better. Good luck to you.