another baby when you already have one with special needs?

[Anonymous]

what was your thought process when deciding whether to have (or not have) another baby?

thank you for sharing.

[Anonymous]

We wanted our first child to have a sibling. In all honesty, part of that was so that there would be someone here when we are gone. Our first child has mild needs but they will impact him for the rest of his life. It was a good decision for all of us. The baby is a joy and may just be the best therapist ever himself. Having another child has also shifted the obsessive focus off of "fixing" our first child somewhat. We always wanted more than one. I did do amnio with the 2nd.

[Anonymous]

My first one has mild issues, not enough to fully qualify him as 'special needs' though. He's considered more 'high needs.' He has a mild regulatory disorder.

We are trying for a second. We waited four years after his birth to give him as much of our undivided attention as possible and to maximize therapies for him.

We want a second one for the same reason as the PP, to give our child a sibling, so that when we are long gone, he has someone to call 'family.' We think it will be the best therapy for him also. In fact, Dr. Stanley Greenspan, renowned psychiatrist and author of numerous books on child development and developmental disorders, seems to believe that it is best for parents to have more children when one is born with a dev. issue. If a special needs child has two or three siblings, it is like having a virtual playgroup at home round the clock. And this turns out to be the best therapy for children who have social issues to begin with.

On the flip side, however, having more children may take time away from giving a special needs child the extra attention he may require. This is why we waited four years before trying for a second.

EVen though DS will require some help for some time still, DH and I now know enough to be able to help him as well as care for a second one now.

[Anonymous]

When I got pregnant with 2nd DC, first DC was only 1 y.o. #1 did not have a diagnosis yet. We (DH and I) are so glad it worked out this way. #2 is very social and is the best friend and playmate #1 could have asked for. It is stressful and challenging cramming two young children into your life no matter what and when one of them has special needs the demands are intensified. I think it would be unfair not to share that. Having said it, I can honestly say that having #2 is one of the single best things we could ever have done for #1. We are so lucky and blessed.

[Anonymous]

We are struggling with the same issue. Our special needs child will be four in a few months. We always wanted to have
more than one child but, we are scared.......scared about not being able to provide everything we can (time/$ for therapy/ect)
for our special needs child and not short change baby # 2......and scared about possibly having another child that has a disability
or special needs. I do think it would be good for our child to have a sibling and good for us to not be so hyper focused on child #1.....
but we are really on the fence.

[Anonymous]

I got pregnant with #2 (a spur of the moment baby, one month of irregular contraception) when my DS was 13 months old. We already knew he had developmental delays, I suspected there was more but wasn't sure. In the course of the pregnancy, my son regressed, became non-verbal and was withdrawn for 6 months. It was the hardest time of my life and the pregnancy was very complicated and highly intervened. At age 2 my son got diagnosed with autism. (no longer a surprise) He is high functioing but his initial delays were very severe. Thanks to intervention with speech and OT he is slowly catching up. The first 6 months after my DD was born were horrible. I cried, I yelled, I was a mess, I probably had Post partum depression combined with the struggle to come to peace with the diagnosis.

My son is now in an autism program and is doing well. But the challenge remains, every milestone he reaches comes with great effort from us, teachers and therapists. It's a full time job, I sometimes jokingly call him my project because I have to frequently track his progress and come up with plans.

Turns out my daughter has special needs as well. A geneticist told us that this is very common. She mainly has sensory processing problems, is extremely anxious and has developmental delays. She is not autistic but chances are that she will have a learning disability. She too needs early intervention. That was a bit of a shock since she initially seemed fine.

Having two special needs children is financially difficult and it makes it harder for us to do many activities as a family. I am still a SAHM which wasn't planned either.

I have to be honest, had I known then what I know now, I wouldn't have had a second child. But having my DD was the best thing that could have happened to us as a family. We're pretty unique and people often cannot relate to us but that's fine. It's all worth it, seeing my son do all these amazing things and working so hard to be "normal" is absolutely rewarding.

I think that with special needs children a bigger age gap may help. My son was only 21 months when my daughter was born, developmentally he was more like an 11 month old baby which meant I had two babies and not one baby and one toddler.

I am very happy that we are a family of four and my children are wonderful people

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I got pregnant with 2nd DC, first DC was only 1 y.o. #1 did not have a diagnosis yet. We (DH and I) are so glad it worked out this way. #2 is very social and is the best friend and playmate #1 could have asked for. It is stressful and challenging cramming two young children into your life no matter what and when one of them has special needs the demands are intensified. I think it would be unfair not to share that. Having said it, I can honestly say that having #2 is one of the single best things we could ever have done for #1. We are so lucky and blessed.

Our situation is like the above poster except we have 3 (the last one was unplanned and very unexpected) and we didn't know until the youngest was about 15 months that he and the oldest were special needs. Their prognosis is good - with intervention- and although they will have life long issues, we have every expectation they will be independent and successful. Our second child, at age 4.5 appears to be totally normal and is an incredible playmate to the oldest and youngest. I would have been happy with just 2 kids but even if I had to do it over again, I'd still do what we did. If their challenges were more intense, I might have given a different answer but as they are, it's been worth the effort and money. I should caveat it by saying that my husband and I have a great relationship and strong marriage. Special needs kids can take a toll on a relationship and if our relationship wasn't strong, my answer would have been "NO".

Having 2 special needs kids has also made me a better person. I'm more patient, more compassionate and now recognize there are many different ways to be intelligent and successful. It's kinda of ironic that even though our family has limitations, my mind is so much more expansive. I see some of the responses on other threads and I can tell there are a lot of DCUMs that are - how to describe it? - limited? narrow minded? cold of heart? self righteous? judgmental? unkind? They can't see beyond their own narrow experience and imagine why some people act the way they do except because of character failures. I think having special needs kids has made me kinder and more gentle. I'm not a pushoever but I'm certainly much more perceptive. It's made me a better mom as well as a better employee and boss.

Good luck with your decision - make the ones that's best for you and your family. It may not be the decision some of us have made.

[Anonymous]

I could have written 9:09 PP's response myself. I feel exactly the same way. Really want another child. Just plain scared.

[Anonymous]

(I really hope this comes out in the thoughtful way that it is intended, instead of the boneheaded way that it is at risk to be interpreted)

OP, have you considered talking to a geneticist? For example, calling GIVF? (You can google them, they're local. I had my CVS there w/ Dr. Stern and he was amazing.) Without knowing your family or your DC, I have no way of knowing any details of your family which are none of my business anyway.

The suggestion I'm getting at is that you might find out some risk factors (either high or low) that could have an important impact on your decision.

Good luck.