How Much Quality Time?
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Anonymous
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We're in the grind with little kids and job/financial stress, but I feel like we never spend time together. DH recently shared that he is feeling lost, and I feel the same. My thinking is that we need to spend more time together as both a couple and as a family. Otherwise, we are never together unless we are cleaning or falling asleep on the couch. When I suggest family or couple activities, it is always an ordeal, and we only get everyone out of the house to a museum or activity or go on a date when visitors are in town.
DH seems hesitant to engage in any of my structured ideas (e.g., family game night on Wednesday, evening out by yourself on Thursday, family movie on Saturday, grown-up conversation over wine on Friday). He also rejects attempts to say "let's go to the Building Museum with the kids this weekend." He seems to think everything is a hassle and I'm pushing too much to make things happen. I think that is the point of being a couple and family. Settle this: Am I being unreasonable? How much time do other couples/families spend together? |
Anonymous
| OP, he wants sex. Get that through your thick head and stop overthinking it. |
Anonymous
| He wants time with you. Get a babysitter and have a standing weekly date night. Then when you get home, pay the babysitter and then 14:42 it. |
Anonymous
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OP, as a man with little kids, your ideas would drive me crazy. When you're in the grind with little kids, EVERYTHING seems like family time. Set aside your fairy tale ideas and give him some space (and sex if that's what he really wants).
It's hard to get excited about structured family events when you're dealing with little kids and work. It gets better. My kids are over 6 now and I love going out with my family. When they were under 5, not so much. |
Anonymous
This. Do this. |
Anonymous
He gets a lot of that, and of various varieties, and no money for a regular babysitter. |
Anonymous
| All of the structure makes it sound like another obligation, which kind of makes it a drag. Can you make it more spontaneous? Like wake up Saturday morning and then suggest going to the museum? This takes it from being a chore to just a fun outing for someone who hates planning things in advance. |
Anonymous
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I here you OP sometimes you have to make a scheduled effort or it just doesn't happen.
I would stick to your Friday night adult time after the kids are in bed even if you have to do 95% of the effort initially . For family time I'd am for something regular to, but maybe simply it a game of soccer in the backyard or grabbing the bikes and going for a ride after dinner. |
Anonymous
| Other than the suggestions given the only thing I can think of beyond him being depressed is he's on his way out and looking for a way to place the blame on anyone but himself. |
Anonymous
Then find another couple to switch off baby sitting duties with. You watch their kids one Saturday and they watch yours the next. I agree that he wants more couple alone time, not family time. |
Anonymous
| I was desperate for unstructured time with my wife. She's an inveterate planner, so that never happened when the kids were little. |
Anonymous
Corrected that for you. |
Anonymous
I'm the PP -- meant to add that, once the kids were old enough to leave home, I came to deeply appreciate the 20 minutes or so a few times a week we spend walking the dogs. It's relaxing, easy, cheap, no need to plan, and it gets us out of the house and lets us chat about this, that, or nothing at all. Not sure that helps you with kids so little, but that was a very simple thing that helped me feel better about my relationship to my wife. |
Anonymous
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Your husband says he is feeling "lost" in the marriage yet he makes zero effort to work on things.
Have a discussion w/him & ask him to elaborate on what he meant specifically when he told you he felt lost. There could be a bigger issue at stake here. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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He's either boning or considering boning someone else. He doesn't want "wine and adult conversation" with you. He wants time off to "find himself" by pursuing her.
Yes, even if you two are doing it six ways to Sunday. It's not actually about the sex: it's about being carefree and obligationless. |