Say something, or let it go? (ILs comments on house)
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Anonymous
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Every time my ILs visit, they make comments about our house--"When are you going to put in new carpet?" "When are you going to paint?" "Why did you let Larla choose the paint color for her room...she's only 2 and she may not like purple next year!" They are also constantly offering to do projects--"While I'm here, I could help you put in some bookshelves so the walls don't look so bare." "While we're here, I could re-fold your linen closet, Sally."
Good intentions and generally fine relationships with them aside, this is damn annoying. They basically act like we live in a shack, when in reality we live in a very nice house that we've invested in. We've put in a new roof, painted a deck, new hot water heater, new hardwood instead of carpet in the dining room, new oven, things that NEEDED to be updated. And yes, we do want to do a significant interior repaint and do some new carpet someday. But we have this crazy idea of LIVING WITHIN OUR MEANS, and we are saving up for those kinds of things. Plus our kids are very young, and I'm not in a huge rush to do major improvements when spills and other accidents are very likely to happen. And can I just say that, if they are looking to do some home improvements, they should start with their own home, and their own furniture? So do I say something (they'll be here next week) WHEN this comes up again, or just let it go? It bothers me every time, and it makes me dread their arrival. But will it make more of a deal out of it if I say something, and they go into defensive mode? I'm torn. I'm usually one for direct communication and squashing things that come up with friends, etc., but I'm just not sure what to say, how to say it, or if I should just leave this alone. Thank you! Genuinely looking for good advice, here. |
Anonymous
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If they want to refold the linen closet, clean out the garage or match up the Tupperware drawer, let them have at it! My MIL loves to fold laundry and line shelves. Awesome. Line away! I figure they're just trying to make themselves useful.
When they suggest projects that you have no intention of doing, come up with a stock response along these lines: "Oh, wow, we hadn't even thought of that project yet! We did the dining room last year and are repainting the family room next. We'll have to think about adding that to the list, but we're saving up to do X, so it's going to be a while. Home ownership really is the expense they say it is!" |
Anonymous
| No, I don't think this is worth responding to. They are bored when they visit you and are trying to help, as annoying as they are. My FIL does something similar, in that he wants to start every project and fix every broken thing he sees. AND all of our choices are wrong. AND he is super bossy even though he does not really know what he is doing. I just go with it and tell him to work with DH. I think you should plan on giving them something to do before they come, so when they suggest something you say "Well ACTUALLY I was hoping you could help me with..." Be strategic. |
Anonymous
Yes, this. Think of projects you would like done, and then let them do it. For example, the last time my MIL was at my house, I gave her a pile of donations to sort through and donate. Which she happily did, freeing up one thing from my to-do list. |
Anonymous
| Let them buy you new carpet. Let them repaint and fold the linen closet. |
Anonymous
Um, no way would I let them buy me new carpet. Dafuq? We are grown-ups, thanks. |
Anonymous
| "Haven't thought about it. Not worrying about it. Just enjoying your visit and seeing you play with Larla." |
Anonymous
| My parents used to suggest expensive upgrades that we could never afford (built ins, putting in a garage!, adding on a master suite) and it hurt me. They finally stopped after I told them, yes those things would be nice but we can't afford it. Repeat as necessary. They will get the picture. As for the little odd jobs, make a list before they come and put them to work. It's annoying that what you have isn't "good enough" for them but they're not going to change. Give them something to do. |
Anonymous
| I'd say knock yourself out. |
Anonymous
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I'm not trying to be dismissive, but what if you just answered their questions? Would they drop it then? For example -
MIL: When are you going to repaint? You: Not anytime soon, definitively not while the kids are young. FIL: When are you going to put in a new carpet? You or DH: Huh? Um, it's not on the to-do list. My MIL used to ask questions that I thought were too invasive and somewhat insulting, but my husband's family just has a different approach to communication, and I've found that if I just answer the question (even though my family would think it's rude to ask), that's pretty much the end of it. When I realized it was that simple, her questions stopped offending me. |
Anonymous
| My parents are like this and just visited. First of all, they are out of their element and bored and looking for things to keep themselves busy. Secondly, they want to help you because they are older and know what it's like to have young kids. I can see how it would be perceived as a lack of boundaries since they are your ILs. Perhaps you could come up with what you need help with, and suggest they do that. Otherwise they will be stir crazy like my parents were and that can create more drama than if you just let them do what they want. |
Anonymous
| Why not let your DH tell his parents that they are out of their bounds in doing these? He should make sure it is not seen as coming from you though |
Anonymous
+1 They probably have good intentions, OP. My MIL walks around taking photos of the inside of my house (not for positive reasons, trust me on this one). I could send her over to your house, if you prefer that to your IL's helpful, sweet and kind behavior. 
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Anonymous
| I say, "oh, are you offering to pay?" |
Anonymous
| Either tell your husband to tell his parents to stop bringing these kinds of things up or say "we would love to but we can't afford it right now." |