DH got mad

[Anonymous]

I am having problem communicating with DH. I felt that he does not get what I wanted to say or my feeling or I don't know how to talk to him. I have been bottled up ( I know not good) and feeling stucked. I recently talked to my relative about 2 incidents (how I feel about DH's reaction) and how I feel about it. She labelled DH selfish and suggested me to get help professionally about our communication. All was from texting on my phone. My phone was broken last night and DH helped to fix it. He went to check what need to be saved before reset the phone and he got to our text. He is now mad and said I talked behind his back, have him labelled as a selfish person and why I can't talk to him what our problem is when he always suggested to talk.
I have hard time expressing myself or even looking at him when we are talking something serious. I don't know why but over the time, the way I feel when we talked, I just shutdown when I feel he does not hear me out.
I have a call with counsellor today myself start with what I can do in my communication with DH.
Any suggestions for my situation? TIA

[Anonymous]

Not another "can't talk to DH" thread... Let me sum this up for you OP - your DH is a selfish jerk. Leave him now... blah, blah, blah...

[Anonymous]

I don't want to divorce. I am trying to fix the problem.
Maybe I am not clear what I am asking. Sorry about that.
Do people talk about their spouse or problem with their spouse with someone else? Is it not acceptable that I talked to relative about DH? How do people de-stress if they can't talk to others about their marriage problem? or any thought you may have on my situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't want to divorce. I am trying to fix the problem.
Maybe I am not clear what I am asking. Sorry about that.
Do people talk about their spouse or problem with their spouse with someone else? Is it not acceptable that I talked to relative about DH? How do people de-stress if they can't talk to others about their marriage problem? or any thought you may have on my situation.

Of course it's okay to talk to others. Just listen to DCUM suggestions with grain of salt. They turn very anti-DH very quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't want to divorce. I am trying to fix the problem.
Maybe I am not clear what I am asking. Sorry about that.
Do people talk about their spouse or problem with their spouse with someone else? Is it not acceptable that I talked to relative about DH? How do people de-stress if they can't talk to others about their marriage problem? or any thought you may have on my situation.

I think it's a problem when you talk to others before or instead of talking to him, yes

[Anonymous]

Put yourself in your DH place. Imagine he talked about you to a relative and they called you a selfish jerk. Yeah, you would be mad, too. Even madder I bet if he then played the victim, as in cannot look you in the face etc...

[Anonymous]

I do talk to my spouse about the problem. I also sometimes vent about him to a close friend or my sister, and they do the same about their DHs with me. When I'm doing this it's usually about little annoyances and not large problems in our marriage. I will also tell these people about when I have been an as*hole, though. No one is perfect. And if I'm ridiculous in being mad at DH, my friends will call me out.

If it really bothers your DH about you talking about him, though, you should see a counselor you can talk to.

[Anonymous]

Separate the substance of the issue and your resentment about previous episodes. I find that it helps. Also be like a surgeon - get in, do what you need to (say the substance very succintly), and get out. Don't linger or get off tangent, nobody wants to listen to extended ranting.

[Anonymous]

Ha, you sound like me. My DH would hit the ceiling if he saw a text like that. We also are having communication issues. We went to therapy once. As you might expect, it wasn't that helpful. But maybe it could be if we went regularly, together, and talked out our issues. As it is now, we do not talk out our issues because it ends up in a fight and we are both so sick of fighting we don't even care enough to do it anymore.

I think we're really only together for this kid at this point.

[Anonymous]

Here's the deal. I'd present it as a learning opportunity for him to learn to talk differently to you, and for you with him.

If he rages about it, it's kind of a self fulfilling prophecy... you won't talk to him because he acts like this. It's in his control. I'd take a 'prove me wrong' approach.

But only you know what your reasons are (hx abuse with dh or parent/previous partner or low self esteem or whatever) for being as scared as you seem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am having problem communicating with DH. I felt that he does not get what I wanted to say or my feeling or I don't know how to talk to him. I have been bottled up ( I know not good) and feeling stucked. I recently talked to my relative about 2 incidents (how I feel about DH's reaction) and how I feel about it. She labelled DH selfish and suggested me to get help professionally about our communication. All was from texting on my phone. My phone was broken last night and DH helped to fix it. He went to check what need to be saved before reset the phone and he got to our text. He is now mad and said I talked behind his back, have him labelled as a selfish person and why I can't talk to him what our problem is when he always suggested to talk.
I have hard time expressing myself or even looking at him when we are talking something serious. I don't know why but over the time, the way I feel when we talked, I just shutdown when I feel he does not hear me out.
I have a call with counsellor today myself start with what I can do in my communication with DH.
Any suggestions for my situation? TIA

OP- I vent to one close friend anpbout my DH. It's okay and normal. She does the same with me. The problem is that your DH saw the message and feels like you weren't loyal. He has a point- when it comes to a spouse talking with a close friend or relative about the marriage, ignorance is bliss.

I think OP, from reading your message, that you do have a hard time expressing what you need out of the conversation. Perhaps your DH is impatient and wants to fix things and you are wanting to be listened to and understood? Not to be sexist, but this can be a pattern in male/female relationships. I wonder if when you want to talk about something serious and you're looking to "talk" not "solve" if you could say that from the outset? I sometimes have to tell my DH that I'm not looking for a resolution-- if I don't, he can get impatient.

[Anonymous]

PP. You just speak my case for me. I understand he is mad and this make my day blue. Yes, DH wants to fix things and we addressed that issue. When he doesn't see my response to his explanation/solution, he realized and said 'should I shut up'. It is also my personality problem and language barrier. He used to said to me 'think before you say it' or 'hear yourself out'. That makes me hesitate to talk a lot and I guess I am too cautious when I talk and that makes him impatient.

PP@12:40: I sure take this as an opportunity. He knows I am going to talk to counsellor so maybe he will change his mind and talk to counsellor with me.

I'm so not looking forward to going home tonight.

OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP. You just speak my case for me. I understand he is mad and this make my day blue. Yes, DH wants to fix things and we addressed that issue. When he doesn't see my response to his explanation/solution, he realized and said 'should I shut up'. It is also my personality problem and language barrier. He used to said to me 'think before you say it' or 'hear yourself out'. That makes me hesitate to talk a lot and I guess I am too cautious when I talk and that makes him impatient.

PP@12:40: I sure take this as an opportunity. He knows I am going to talk to counsellor so maybe he will change his mind and talk to counsellor with me.

I'm so not looking forward to going home tonight.

OP.

Don't say that. You can't address the issue unless you face the issue.

[Anonymous]

You are the problem here, OP. YOU can't express yourself. And then you're angry your husband can't read your mind and/or guess what you meant or wanted to say.

I suggest you get help learning how to express yourself. That will solve this problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't want to divorce. I am trying to fix the problem.
Maybe I am not clear what I am asking. Sorry about that.
Do people talk about their spouse or problem with their spouse with someone else? Is it not acceptable that I talked to relative about DH? How do people de-stress if they can't talk to others about their marriage problem? or any thought you may have on my situation.

How would you feel if he went behind your back, told all your marital problems to a relative? You would be livid. So is he and rightfully so. What a stupid thing you did.