Anyone try therapy with a parent?

[Anonymous]

The past year or two I've had a breakdown with my mom. I had always considered her my best friend, but after a VERY tough year with my husband and son, instead of being there to support me, my mom honestly became someone I barely recognize.

I have tried every which way to reach her, apologize for my part in the breakdown, and reason with her but in our relationship, I was alway the "parent" and she was always the "child." I feel this now more than ever -- and I was so broken down during that time that I really needed a mom. She never really was one to me, and I realize that more than ever now.

Yet she is my MOM! I don't want to just accept the breakdown as the new normal. But whereas I admit that I was not a great daughter (as I withdrew during this dark time in my personal life), she has gone out of her way to hurt me (taken down my pictures, excluded me from family events, talked about me and my family to our relatives, spoken negatively about my son and husband to my other adult children...). My dad is totally out of the picture, and I just feel sad that I have no one to parent me (and really never did.) I was the kid that made my own lunches, did my own laundry, and found my own rides to every event growing up.

I'm wondering if doing some family therapy could possibly help. Has anyone done this with a positive outcome? We did it a few times when I was a kid, but when the therapist made demands of my mom (come up with a budget, bring back a list of helpful things..) she stopped going. Wonder if it would be more pain shopping -- but I'd be willing to do it if it could get us to a better place for my children and for me.

Thanks! I'm in NOVA if anyone has a suggestion. I'm open to advice too -- for anyone who has BTDT.

[Anonymous]

You need therapy for yourself and not with your mother. It is not normal for you to function as her parent and what she is doing to you now is abusive.

Do not attempt therapy with your mother. It is not your job to fix her and she is likely unfixable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need therapy for yourself and not with your mother. It is not normal for you to function as her parent and what she is doing to you now is abusive.

Do not attempt therapy with your mother. It is not your job to fix her and she is likely unfixable.

+1.

OP, I posted this exact question within the past year. Search the site for it. The responses were I think uniformly that it was a fool's errand. Take care of yourself and your own family. I feel your pain and wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need therapy for yourself and not with your mother. It is not normal for you to function as her parent and what she is doing to you now is abusive.

Do not attempt therapy with your mother. It is not your job to fix her and she is likely unfixable.

Totally agree. You need some therapy for yourself to realize your "normal meter" is broken.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thank you so much for the responses. I have seen a therapist for the issues with husband/son and will now focus on mom issues! I'll search the archives too - I very much appreciate you all sending me in the right direction.

[Anonymous]

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/533878.page

Here's my old thread. Last poster in it turns out had a positive experience but most people cautioned hard against it. I'd be really really wary.

[Anonymous]

PP, just read through your old thread. My mom sounds similar to yours in the way that she will say, "Oh, sorry if I mistakenly hurt your feelings." No acknowledgement of any wrongdoing. It's crazy-making! At least I know I'm not alone, and I'll keep focusing on my marriage and kids. Thank you again for the advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank you so much for the responses. I have seen a therapist for the issues with husband/son and will now focus on mom issues! I'll search the archives too - I very much appreciate you all sending me in the right direction.

Glad you're taking this good advice. I'm writing to add that you should explore how your idea of a "best friend" came to mean someone who inappeipriately required you to take care of her. You and your mom were not "best friends" before this falling out, and I hope that as you heal and process your life you will come to expect friendships to be mutually supporting.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you the one getting the silent treatment and you don't know why? If so, your posts are starting to remind me of an abused child -- desperate for mom's love no matter how badly she treats you. Please, please, advise yourself as you would advise a friend in an abusive relationship. It's time to say to yourself "I deserve to be treated with respect and dignity and kindness. When Mom is capable of that, she can reach out to me." Please OP, you cannot negotiate for someone's love like this. YOU DID NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG.

[Anonymous]

Re-read your post as if it was about someone else's mother.

She is not a good parent. She was never a good parent. She will never be a good parent.

I have two living non-parents too. My smart therapists gave me the gift of letting myself let go of my hope to have a parent.

You have you. You had you when you were a child. That's what you've got. Add friends, work on marriage, and build your own resources. Your mother will never be one of them.

[Anonymous]

In your post you even point out this isn't a new problem, you're mother has always been this way. In the past you just had more bandwidth to deal with it. Once you had other issues taking up that bandwidth, you couldn't parent you own mother anymore. Now she's punishing you for that.

This isn't a recent change, it's just that you've finally been forced to see her for who she really is. That's difficult.

I would suggest therapy on your own, focusing on your relationship with your mother. It will be hard. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

It's very true that she could not have been a best friend or a parent in any sense of the word. It's just interesting that the turmoil in my life showed me the complete dysfunction of our relationship. It does feel like abuse.

I honestly realized it fully when she invited my sibling's family for Easter and not mine. I saw posts on Facebook of their little kids hunting for eggs at her house where we have celebrated countless Easters all together. It did me in.

When I asked her if she thought it would hurt my feelings, she said no. Really? I have to say I lost my temper and asked her what kind of parent/grandparent behaves like that? Since then, she TEXTED her non-apology.

Just going to take a break from it and speak to my therapist - come up with a plan for the least amount of hurt moving forward.

To all of you who took the time to post, you just don't know how helpful you've been. Your words are honestly just what I needed to hear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The past year or two I've had a breakdown with my mom. I had always considered her my best friend, but after a VERY tough year with my husband and son, instead of being there to support me, my mom honestly became someone I barely recognize.

I have tried every which way to reach her, apologize for my part in the breakdown, and reason with her but in our relationship, I was alway the "parent" and she was always the "child." I feel this now more than ever -- and I was so broken down during that time that I really needed a mom. She never really was one to me, and I realize that more than ever now.

Yet she is my MOM! I don't want to just accept the breakdown as the new normal. But whereas I admit that I was not a great daughter (as I withdrew during this dark time in my personal life), she has gone out of her way to hurt me (taken down my pictures, excluded me from family events, talked about me and my family to our relatives, spoken negatively about my son and husband to my other adult children...). My dad is totally out of the picture, and I just feel sad that I have no one to parent me (and really never did.) I was the kid that made my own lunches, did my own laundry, and found my own rides to every event growing up.

I'm wondering if doing some family therapy could possibly help. Has anyone done this with a positive outcome? We did it a few times when I was a kid, but when the therapist made demands of my mom (come up with a budget, bring back a list of helpful things..) she stopped going. Wonder if it would be more pain shopping -- but I'd be willing to do it if it could get us to a better place for my children and for me.

Thanks! I'm in NOVA if anyone has a suggestion. I'm open to advice too -- for anyone who has BTDT.

Since you asked, I think therapy for yourself would be a better idea. Your mom is not going to change.

But, if by some miracle, you find that she does, please let me know the name of your therapist, because they are a miracle worker, OP.

[Anonymous]

Solo therapy. She will never be what you want her to be, it's just not in the cards for this life. Maybe in the next one. Work on yourself.

[Anonymous]

I recommend solo therapy, but you should also tell the therapist that you would like to at least attempt to involve your mother--you and the therapist will likely do some work together before you extend an invitation to her, to find out what you want from the joint counseling and to prepare for her answer either way.

I don't think it's necessarily foolish to attempt working with her. Your relationship with her is important to you and taking steps to try to salvage it shows that. She may not be able to respond, but making the effort will help you determine how to handle her going forward.

FWIW, my therapist actually suggested that I bring my mom into our therapy and said it was sometimes helpful. (I declined, so I don't have an experience to share).