Ex is getting married...

[Anonymous]

He is an ex boyfriend from about 8 years ago. And I am now married with two small children. He was the first person I really fell hard for (at 31!), had the first really great sex of my life with him, and saw us being together. That said it was tumultuous, he was younger and more immature, etc. etc.

The end was long and drawn out - I let myself get caught up in his promises of a future instead of ending the relationship cleanly.

So ... I adore my children. My DH is older and was ready to commit. But our sex life has been lackluster and our marriage is struggling.

I know that the two aren't related (ex's wedding and my struggling marriage) but right now I'm thinking back to the best of times with him and missing those times and him.

[Anonymous]

Hugs. This is a hard time for you.

[Anonymous]

Totally normal.

Regarding the sex, for a lot of people, sex was better pre-marriage, certainly pre-kids when we had more time, energy and things were shiny and new. I promise your husband also fantasizes about that crazy girl from college who wasn't wife material but did all those things in bed you won't do.

[Anonymous]

What made the sex good with him? Did you just date duds previously?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Totally normal.

Regarding the sex, for a lot of people, sex was better pre-marriage, certainly pre-kids when we had more time, energy and things were shiny and new. I promise your husband also fantasizes about that crazy girl from college who wasn't wife material but did all those things in bed you won't do.

Hopefully he does fantasize about other people - but as things go, DH is less into "doing" interesting things than I am. Which has come (no pun intended!) as a disappointment to me. Like - no oral in 5 or 6 years. And it's not for a lack of trimming, cleaning, etc. At some point I just stopped asking.

At our best, ex and I had emotional connection, sexual chemistry, and similar sexual appetite. Even at its best, DH and I never had that. Looking back, in my naivete, I assumed that our sex life would improve as we spent more time together - being married and having two kids has not helped things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What made the sex good with him? Did you just date duds previously?

I was more comfortable with my body, etc., in my "old" age. We had emotional charge and sexual chemistry - I really fell in love with him.

And he was kind of dirty, which I really dug.

[Anonymous]

It's natural to remember the good times and forget the bad times. People are often fond of the past that wasn't anything to write home about. Remind yourself that it was a difficult situation that you wouldn't want to repeat. Cherish the memories, but focus on the good you've got today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Totally normal.

Regarding the sex, for a lot of people, sex was better pre-marriage, certainly pre-kids when we had more time, energy and things were shiny and new. I promise your husband also fantasizes about that crazy girl from college who wasn't wife material but did all those things in bed you won't do.

Hopefully he does fantasize about other people - but as things go, DH is less into "doing" interesting things than I am. Which has come (no pun intended!) as a disappointment to me. Like - no oral in 5 or 6 years. And it's not for a lack of trimming, cleaning, etc. At some point I just stopped asking.

At our best, ex and I had emotional connection, sexual chemistry, and similar sexual appetite. Even at its best, DH and I never had that. Looking back, in my naivete, I assumed that our sex life would improve as we spent more time together - being married and having two kids has not helped things.

Me too OP. I'm a bit older than you but my story is extremely similar re a former relationship, current husband, sex life, daydreaming about how it used to be, etc...

Just commiserating in case knowing you're not alone in feeling these things has any value.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. I look back on all my previous crushes, boyfriends, fwb's etc... and feel nothing for them now. Yes I had so many feelings back then, but now its a just a memory. I'm so in love with my boyfriend, I can't even remember how much I used to like the others.

Do you feel like he might have been The One?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Totally normal.

Regarding the sex, for a lot of people, sex was better pre-marriage, certainly pre-kids when we had more time, energy and things were shiny and new. I promise your husband also fantasizes about that crazy girl from college who wasn't wife material but did all those things in bed you won't do.

Hopefully he does fantasize about other people - but as things go, DH is less into "doing" interesting things than I am. Which has come (no pun intended!) as a disappointment to me. Like - no oral in 5 or 6 years. And it's not for a lack of trimming, cleaning, etc. At some point I just stopped asking.

At our best, ex and I had emotional connection, sexual chemistry, and similar sexual appetite. Even at its best, DH and I never had that. Looking back, in my naivete, I assumed that our sex life would improve as we spent more time together - being married and having two kids has not helped things.

PP you are responding to - and I have never said this on a DCUM board, but here goes: Hugs to you.

No oral in years? Yeah, you married a dud in bed, that isn't normal or acceptable. FWIW, you don't need to find a bad boy to drive you crazy, just a normal man who likes sex with women. Happy fantasizing.

[Anonymous]

Classic case of "What if". Instead of wasting your time thinking of the past you are better off to work on your future, marriage, relationship..
JMO.

[Anonymous]

This is why there are so many divorces. assholes living in a fantasy world instead of reality. Believe me this guy was a jerk, and maybe your husband is too. Put your kids first and enjoy your life, stop thinking a man is your salvation.....time to grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why there are so many divorces. assholes living in a fantasy world instead of reality. Believe me this guy was a jerk, and maybe your husband is too. Put your kids first and enjoy your life, stop thinking a man is your salvation.....time to grow up.

This advice doesn't really work when it comes to sex. Sure, if its travel, fine dining, sports or some hobby that your spouse isn't interested in, you can do it on your own, with someone else. But her husband is a massive dud in bed (who doesn't give oral these days!?!). She is either resigned to an affair, a life of crap sex or a divorce. I feel for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hugs. This is a hard time for you.

No, it's not. Screw her. Grow up, OP. Take responsibility for your actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Classic case of "What if". Instead of wasting your time thinking of the past you are better off to work on your future, marriage, relationship..
JMO.

This is exactly what you'll get if you get married, guys. A woman who's always thinking what if and second guessing her decision to marry you.