How do I not become my mother?

[Anonymous]

My mother is here in my Maryland home for a one week visit. And although I am nearly 40 years old she has still made me feel terrible. She has a running commentary on my weight, on my children's intelligence, on my husband's job. This combined with her judging everyone under the moon has made for a very hard week. She has worked hard all her life and I do feel like I should be grateful but she is pretty mean to me and my family. She never plays with the kids at all and she rolls her eyes at my cooking. I have told her that she hurts my feelings and she then she pouts and doesn't talk to me. I have a lovely daughter and some days I am afraid I will end up like my mother.

[Anonymous]

My mother is similar. She will never change. You can change yourself, and your reactions to her. Try to think about other people's feelings before you speak. Recognize that being direct and being cruel are two very different things. Apologize. Knowing that you will apologize later goes a long way in terms of keeping you from saying hurtful things in the first place. In the end, you probably will be a lot like her in many ways and in many ways that you don't like. But that's ok. At least you are trying, and you are trying to be self aware.

[Anonymous]

Just sympathy, OP. My mother in law is just like this. And is super competitive, to boot. If you recognize this behaviour you will likely not end up this way.

[Anonymous]

I have not become my mother. I actively fight against it.

My mother had this fantasy that our relationship would be the stereotype of a mother-daughter relationship she wanted it to be. And she stuck to that and then clung to it and now avoids me when I don't fall into place.

Here are things that differentiate me from my mother: I let my DD get the blanket she wanted that I hate and didn't force her to get what I liked for her room. She chooses to dress in all black, white and gray clothes. I buy her those colors and only make her try on things in the store to amuse me occasionally. When she doesn't want to share gossip with me I do not forbid her from talking to her friends. When her bedroom is a wreck I tell her that seems overwhelming and offer to help. When she talks I think "what does T need to hear from me right now?" and I try to give her that.

I ASK if I can give a suggestion and if she says no, I struggle but keep my mouth shut.

[Anonymous]

I'm not like my mother! it's not destiny that we become our mothers, so I wouldn't worry so much!!!

[Anonymous]

Can I introduce her to my mom? They have a LOT in common!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can I introduce her to my mom? They have a LOT in common!

Mine, too ?. I also actively try not to be like her.

[Anonymous]

I had a lovely mother thankfully. MIL was another story. Just take a really deep breath OP and try hard not to let her under your skin...that is what she is hoping...to rattle you.

Just smile and smile and say nothing. Answer questions as though you are in a court room with simple yes or no answers. It will drive her batty.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks for the wise words! I just read something that said we all become our mothers. And it depressed me after the week I had. It is just that I don't know how much to put up with because I do feel a sense of "owing" her and at what point I can tell her to shut it.

[Anonymous]

As an adult I have a peer relationship with my mother. And as a mother I will have a peer relationship with my daughter. The trick is to have absolutely no dependency issues - you do not want/or need for their money, or favors, or anything. You love and are together because you are both polite to each other. You do not say or act in anyway that you would not towards a friend. And if the other person doesn't act this way, you demand the respect, and perhaps weather some uncomfortable adjustment period.

[Anonymous]

Idk, but man did I ever marry my dad! Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Mothers have a way of putting you in your place when you get too big for your britches. Mine commented on my weight in the first minute of seeing me and spent her visit trying to fatten me up.

[Anonymous]

np with the same issues: How can I free myself of all dependency on her approval and her kindness, but still have positive feelings toward her? I've always been very independent and didn't waste time with boyfriends who didn't treat me right. But if someone didn't treat me right, I didn't keep up any relationship. This is more challenging.

[Anonymous]

A little humor here from a wonderful film in which the main character, Lizzie, is chatting with her friend. Friend: "Define success." Lizzie: "Not becoming my mother". Friend: "If you were lying in the street with a needle in your arm, you wouldn't be your mother, but would you call yourself a success?" Lizzie: "A limited one". http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096835/plotsummary?ref_=tt_ov_pl My mom and I loved watching this film together on tape at home, numerous times, even though her relationship with her mom was very complicated and the same is true for us.

[Anonymous]

F*&^ck it, let her pout. Let her pout all week long if she needs to. Because frankly, f that behavior.