I Knew I'd Be Blamed If I Didn't Give In

[Anonymous]

I posted a while back about my mother not speaking to me. Many of you give me good advice, a reality check, and lots to think about, all of which I appreciate. I've seen my mother three times since then; once at my son's 16th birthday and at two of my sons' basketball games. She didn't address or acknowledge me at any of these events, but did speak to everyone around me, acting like I was invisible. I've reached out a few times to tell her I loved and missed her and hoped we can have a relationship. I also told her that I need for her not to use the silent treatment with me. Each time, she's not replied. In the past, my father's stance has been that I should do whatever is necessary to make peace. I've told him that I can't do that anymore.

Now, we're at Easter. In the past, we've usually gone to my parents' the day before or on Easter. My father texted me to see if we wanted to go there. I replied that we'd usually love to spend the holiday with them but that my mother's anger toward me is uncomfortable for my husband, kids, and me. This was yesterday and he hasn't replied. As usual, I'm probably the bad guy because I won't acquiesce to my mother.

I'm in counseling, again.

[Anonymous]

Drop the rope. Stop trying.

[Anonymous]

It's a process. You stated your case, stuck to it, and now you have to wait for others to adjust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a process. You stated your case, stuck to it, and now you have to wait for others to adjust.

I agree. This isn't a situation of your making, it's of your mother's. Her behavior is making people uncomfortable and, therefore, you should avoid her. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

You are doing the right thing. Why be walked all over? If you don't stand up for yourself in front of your kids, don't expect them to ever stand up for you.

When you make change in interpersonal dynamics like this, people initially get tougher and react badly. They may come around or they may not, but there is always blowback at the beginning. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are doing the right thing. Why be walked all over? If you don't stand up for yourself in front of your kids, don't expect them to ever stand up for you.

When you make change in interpersonal dynamics like this, people initially get tougher and react badly. They may come around or they may not, but there is always blowback at the beginning. Hang in there.

+1000 And don't let your Dad guilt you either. He sounds like he is part of the problem too.

[Anonymous]

Best of luck to you OP. Sounds like you're doing the right thing but it must be hard on you.

[Anonymous]

Op I'm sure this is painful but try to see how f'd up this is. Your mother is being incredibly cruel to you and you are telling her you love her and miss her. And your father is guilting you. This is a toxic dynamic. It's great you're standing up for yourself. You're teaching your children not to tolerate abuse.

[Anonymous]

I CANNOT understand why you sent her all these messages saying you loved her, missed her, wanted a relationship. Please, it's embarrassing. Why on earth would you want a relationship? She's Godawful.

This would be the end for me. I would never let someone disrespect me like this. I would have no contact anymore with my mother if she did that to me. I would try to see my father separately.

[Anonymous]

Stand firm. Your mom is abusive and your dad is part of the problem.

[Anonymous]

All of this and you still don't know what is going on? How can you "acquiesce" if you don't know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I'm sure this is painful but try to see how f'd up this is. Your mother is being incredibly cruel to you and you are telling her you love her and miss her. And your father is guilting you. This is a toxic dynamic. It's great you're standing up for yourself. You're teaching your children not to tolerate abuse.

+1

[Anonymous]

Tell your dad that you simply can't tolerate nor subject your family to her disrespect. You want to have a nice holiday and her tantrums are childish and a power play. Wish him a happy Easter and tell him to call you when your mother comes to her senses. Remember that this is all her and not you!!

[Anonymous]

It's not constructive to worry about who is the "bad guy." If your mom is not going to speak to you, clearly you can't bring you family there for Easter. The only thing you can do is focus on enjoying Easter with your own family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a process. You stated your case, stuck to it, and now you have to wait for others to adjust.

I agree. This isn't a situation of your making, it's of your mother's. Her behavior is making people uncomfortable and, therefore, you should avoid her. Hugs.

OP here-thank you; I forgot the obvious that people don't always get on board when we're in the process of changing...thanks for the reminder!