I need help with responses to relatives
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
They say the same things every time we see them. It drives me nuts. Is there something I can do or do I just need to drink more?
DD is almost 3. She has elective mutism. We've got her in a bunch of therapy, we know what it stems from, we are 100% on top of it. This has been going on for about a year and a half. Every time we see the relatives we get the "she's STILL not talking?!" followed by the suggestions (some of which they attempt to implement and we have to shut it down) that we either bribe her to talk or punish her when she won't after being prompted. We get told we should talk with her doctor, that we should look for some kind of (vague) special school, that maybe it's because I work, that taking her to countries where people speak other languages is too confusing (we go on international vacations sometimes) and that's why she's not talking. You get the idea. We've tried "Thanks, we'll ask her dr/therapists about that", "Interesting", "Oh", "Thanks for the idea", and flat out "We're on vacation so taking a break from working on this right now". We are confident that we are getting DD the best help that can be gotten, that we're doing everything we possibly can for her, and that their ideas are all shit. Any ideas of what I can do to stop this? We see them 4 or 5 times a year and it's always the same each year. I don't think screeching right in front of DD "She's STILL not talking?! Oh my GOD!" is great for her to hear. |
Anonymous
| That sounds hard and annoying. All I can think of is reaching out to each of them before each visit and telling them / reminding them that Larla is not talking, you are following her specialists recommendation. And then tell them/ask them not to say anything in front of her. |
Anonymous
|
Either something like PP above or
"No, still not talking. We're still working on it so there's no need for a discussion." I do like the idea of telling them ahead of time not to discuss it in front of her. All of that aside, I wish you all the best. |
Anonymous
|
OP, I totally get where you are coming from.
Every time you tell them you are taking a break or getting her the best therapy or she's doing great or thank them for their ideas you feed into this being an acceptable subject of party conversation. The first time someone makes a comment: "We're not discussing that today." Big smile. Repeat with less of a smile. Then, walk away. The next comment or question: We're not dicussing that today. Sad look. Aunt Dora: "Oh my god Larla's still not talking!" You: We're not discussing that today." Smile AD: But you need to try the snake oil therapy! You: We're not discussing that tooooo-daaaay. (sad look). AD: You mean you haven't called Dr. Quack either? You: I'm going to get something to eat, Aunt Do! See you later! Any attempts to elicit speech from your child: "We're not doing that today." |
Anonymous
|
I so want to tell you to say, "She talks just NOT around you" or "It is elective mutism, it's not that she does not talk she just does not talk around you."
Okay, I got that out. Sorry, no advice, ignorance is annoying. |
Anonymous
That's selective not elective. |
Anonymous
OP wrote elective, so i wrote elective. Are they 2 different things or a typo. Either way, she talks just not around Aunt Noseypants. |
Anonymous
That's selective mutism. Elective mutism is not the same. |
Anonymous
| I would try to preempt when you are planning the visit: "Larla has been working hard in speech therapy, but she still doesn't talk around many people. I'm asking you not to discuss her issues while we are together. " |
Anonymous
|
OP,
This sounds incredibly frustrating. Is this your immediate family? Would sending out an email with information about your DD's help to preempt questions/comments at the gathering? e.g. I'm not sure if elective was a typo, I've only heard of selective: http://www.asha.org/public/speech/disorders/SelectiveMutism/ Just say that your happy to answer questions online but you won't be discussing this issue at the gathering. |
Anonymous
This. I think you should express to everyone how hard your daughter has been working! People don't get that children in therapies aren't passive recipients, but actively engaged. Even if results aren't visible yet, they learn valuable non-cognitive skills like resilience and grit, that will serve them extremely well all their life. |
Anonymous
| Remind them that while your DD may not be speaking, she can hear just fine and their words hurt. |
Anonymous
Elective mutism was the old terminology, but now the professional community uses Selective mutism. I believe it was a typo, as Elective mutism doesn't exist as a disorder anymore. |
Anonymous
|
Can you (or DH, depending on whose family it is) give them a heads up? Are you keeping them somewhat in the loop?
A few days/a week before a visit, I'd send an e-mail like this: "Hey, Everybody, We're so excited to see you! blah blah.. Larla's still working with her therapists and making progress. She likely won't talk in new situations, it's nothing personal, and the best thing you can do for her is not make a big deal out of it. Her therapist/doctor advises just talking to her and treating her like a normal kid. And remember! There's nothing wrong with her hearing, so please don't talk about her condition as if she's not standing right there. If you have questions, please, ask DH or me after Larla goes to bed. Love, OP" |
Anonymous
She elected to stop talking over a year ago. To anyone. She doesn't talk at home, she doesn't talk to her dolls, she doesn't talk at all, to anyone. Although she won't, she also can't. Selective would mean she talks in certain situations, which is not her deal. |