relative with alcohol problem -- myob or do something?

[Anonymous]

A relative of mine is going through a divorce. She lives in another state with two pre-teens. I saw her recently while I was on business in her state. She's always been a super-organized, attractive, fit woman. I had not seen her for a few years. On this visit, we made plans to get together for dinner. I was at the restaurant, waiting for her, when my cell rang. She called with a weird excuse about why she couldn't come. That was totally unlike her. Even more unlike her, she was drunk. It was 7 p.m. She was slurring her words, not making sense. We made a date to meet the next day for lunch. I texted her five times to make sure she knew when and where to meet. She arrived for lunch 35 minutes late, was wearing a rumpled outfit to a fairly upscale restaurant. Her face looked puffy, she wore no makeup. She was not drunk, nor did she drink during lunch. Clearly, she didn't want to talk about the divorce, so we chatted about the kids, both of whom she claimed were very happy. She said every thing was fine, fine, fine.

I found out via someone we both know that she's been depressed and drinking heavily since the separation, a total shock to me. I've never known her to drink. Apparently, my relative's sister had tried to get her to stop drinking, but she didn't/wouldn't/couldn't. She lives in a city where she has no family except her kids, no friends. I feel that she's in crisis, and her drinking must be harming her children. Being drunk at 7 p.m. on a weekday feels like alcoholism or at least a serious drinking problem.

My question: Is there anything I should or can do? We are not close, but I know her sister and her best friend. I want to do something, but maybe it's best if I mind my own business? Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

anyone?

[Anonymous]

What can you do, besides point out the obvious? She's depressed and drinking too much. If you're not close by, I don't see what support you can provide. She knows she drinks. Telling her isn't sharing any new information.

[Anonymous]

What about reaching out to her sister or her best friend? I'm tempted to do so. Her sister doesn't live nearby, but her best friend does.

I think she needs help. Who will help her if her family members don't?

[Anonymous]

I think it's okay to say something to them. They probably already know, but you could mention that you are concerned.

[Anonymous]

You could start by telling her your concerns. Connect her with help that she can seek on her own. If it doesn't get better then talk to ppl that are closer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You could start by telling her your concerns. Connect her with help that she can seek on her own. If it doesn't get better then talk to ppl that are closer.

I can't tell her my concerns. She is not close to me, will not listen to me, of that I'm certain.
Also, she's very wealthy, and I am not. She's looked down on me my entire life because my family is not wealthy.

She's always been pretty spoiled and self-absorbed. I don't think she has any idea how to deal with problems, except to deny them. That's what her parents did.
I'm closer to her sister than I am to her. I know her sister knows about her drinking and has tried to get her to stop.

I fear for her. Clearly, she's in pain. What do I do? Walk away? Ignore it? Tell her sister my concerns? Will another voice help, or will I be seen as butting in?

I am genuinely concerned, but I do not want to do something--even so much as sending her sister an email describing our meeting--if it will be unhelpful.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? If so, what helped? Anything?

[Anonymous]

I have a few thoughts:
- you have limited power/ability to do anything. You're not close to her, you don't have a great deal of first hand information, and you think she won't listen to you. So you need to accept that first.
- whatever your relationship w/ her, you owe her the courtesy of being direct - not going behind her back. "Jane, I am worried about you. You were slurring your words when we spoke at 7 last Tuesday, and you definitely did not seem your usual put together self on Wednesday. You don't seem ok - which is understandable given what you're going through. What do you need? " Then let her answer.

Then talk w/ her sister if you wish, but don't presume that you can do much more than that if the woman herself shuts you out.

If you have a relationship w/ her children you can try to be there for them obviously, but that only works if there is an established connection/means of engaging with them.

[Anonymous]

OP here. If anyone's interested, I emailed her sister and expressed my concern. She replied that she knew about it, that she'd tried to help, but there was not anything anyone could do. She thanked me for my concern.
I guess that's all I can do?
Seems pretty sad, that's all. Wow.