Ask parents to do family therapy?

[Anonymous]

Do you think it's obnoxious for an adult daughter to ask her parents to do family therapy? They were not abusive.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure it's obnoxious, that depends on your relationship with them. Is it troubled?

[Anonymous]

op: I have some resentment against my dad, which worsened when my son was in the hospital for 3-4 months and he didn't want my mom to stay with us and help with my other kids. My mom stayed about half the time the crisis lasted. It was a huge sacrifice for her, and I appreciate her help very much. I was angry at the time that she left while we were still in crisis - she was recently retired, and doesn't care for anyone at home unless you count my emotionally needy father. They're healthy. I'm not angry at her anymore, except when she tries to guilt me for my lack of gratitude. She's a good mom, but she defends my dad's behavior.

[Anonymous]

Go to individual therapy. Whatever your feelings are, they're yours to manage at this point, and a good individual therapist will help you manage that relationship and own your own stuff. I don't think it's obnoxious for you to take care of yourself and set boundaries as you need to, but therapy really is a whole other ball of wax, and, outside of couples therapy or, say, family therapy for a partnered couple/family, I don't think it's fair to ask another adult to engage in it.

[Anonymous]

I'd do what PP suggested, and explore this with a therapist on your own first. A great deal of your anger can be dealt with on your end alone. It's not easy, but it will feel wonderful when you are on the other side.

If after some time in therapy on your own your therapist suggests bringing in your parents, then maybe ask them. But I wouldn't start there.

[Anonymous]

I agree with individual therapy. It was very generous of your mother to stay for two months. If you resent that she didn't stay for the full 3-4, that's something for you to sort out.

I also don't understand why you're upset with your mother, rather than your father. You're mad at her for enabling his neediness? Sounds like you're blaming the victim because you know your father will never change, so he's a lost cause - you can still give your mother a hard time though and get a reaction out of her. That's not fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think it's obnoxious for an adult daughter to ask her parents to do family therapy? They were not abusive.

So they weren't subservient enough for you? It is not your mother's job to take care of your child.

[Anonymous]

You might apologize for getting angry with her when she left. Coming to you for as long as she did was a huge gift. And you probably have no idea how exhausted she might have been.

Any lingering feelings you have are best addressed in therapy.

[Anonymous]

Are you in individual therapy?

[Anonymous]

I asked my parents to go to therapy with me. We did two sessions together. It was helpful. It didn't fix everything, but it shifted things enough that we were able to go forward in our relationship in a healthier direction.

It's not obnoxious. It'd be obnoxious if you said "if you love me you'll do this."

[Anonymous]

Ha. My mother would never agree to it. She needs it so much though - but I've given up trying to make her understand all the terrible things she did. With some disordered people, it will never work: they just blame you right back, go into hysterics and play the victim.

[Anonymous]

OP, I remember your post on special needs.

I think individual therapy would be much more productive for you. I'm afraid that the scenario you envision will not occur in family therapy and leave you even more hurt, angry and upset. People often go into family therapy to "set other people straight" or with the hope that the family therapist will fix their family members. That's not what happens in family therapy. You could spend years in family therapy and this dynamic will still remain and you will enmesh yourself. Please don't invest yourself in more upset.

[Anonymous]

OP: Thank you for the comments. I went to a therapist who was very supportive, but when I handed her the check at the end, I felt like I had paid for sympathy. She was recommended to me by someone I know. I also go to a psychiatrist annually for the past 3 years (I take zoloft). She tells me that I should stroke my parents' egos because I may become desperate again. She is also out-of-pocket, very expensive. I think I will try a therapist who takes my insurance. I have no idea how to find a good one. I guess I'll call down the list and see the first one who's available.

[Anonymous]

OP: After my parents and I did 2 family therapy sessions by skype, my mom visited and she was actually much nicer to me than she has been in years. I think it was helpful in that way. I don't plan to ask her again. We just avoided the topic of my dad. It's too inflammatory.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's obnoxious. But it's very possible they will. My parents would never accept the idea.