How to help a possible SN kid fit in

[Anonymous]

I am an adult leader for a youth organization. One of the kids seems a little bit off - the parents never mentioned anything regarding any special needs but the child's behavior is just not like the other kids. You can tell the child wants to fit in but they don't verbally communicate to engage the other kids. Their behavior is more at a preschool level and these kids are 10. The child gets into the other kids' personal space, doesn't seem to understand when the other kids are being annoyed by their actions, pushes kids to be first in line, seems to shut down during anything remotely educational.

Reading this, I realize most people are going to say autism but I really don't think this child is autistic.

My question - how can I help the child fit into this organization? How can I help this child learn socially acceptable behaviors around the other kids? How can I help the other kids accept the child even though the behavior is really annoying to them? We don't know of any diagnosis so it's not like we can tell the other kids so and so is disabled in this way. be more understanding. all they see is a perfectly normal kid behaving very inappropriately.

[Anonymous]

It's commendable that you want to help him, but it seems like you don't have a good understanding of what would be appropriate. Regardless of whether you know his diagnosis, it would not be appropriate to discuss it with other kids without permission from his parents. Start by approaching his parents, mentioning that you have observed that he is having some struggles in interactions during the activities, and ask what they think you can do to help.

[Anonymous]

You need to engage the parents and tell them that their child is welcome in the group but you need to know how to work with him best. I'd tell him that you observe him struggling socially and with activities and ask them for suggestions.

[Anonymous]

I agree you should check in with the parents.

There are two possibilities here. One is, the parents are aware he has an issue (or perhaps a diagnosis) but they do not feel the need to share that diagnosis every time their child does an activity outside of school. Parents with children who have special needs have to weigh carefully whether to share this type of information – will it bias people's opinions before their child has a chance to prove themselves? Will it affect this particular type of activity? Clearly, from what you say, it is impacting this child'a abilities within the group setting, but they may not necessarily be on to that yet and it is your job to communicate to them what they may not be seeing.

Secondly, I have seen children at the school where my husband teaches who are profoundly impaired – whether it be on the spectrum or something else (often the parent can be seen to have traits of it as well) – and these parents have decided to do nothing either out of fear of outing themselves or not seeing anything "wrong" with it. I have seen these kids struggle, and the parents still deny their child has a problem. It is not super-common, but it happens, so you should be prepared for that as well.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like ADHD to me. I would talk to the parents. Tell them he is having a tough time following the group and ask if they have any strategies. I am guessing he is like this at school, so they should have some ideas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to engage the parents and tell them that their child is welcome in the group but you need to know how to work with him best. I'd tell him that you observe him struggling socially and with activities and ask them for suggestions.

And definitely don't ask what his diagnosis is.

[Anonymous]

Those types of behaviors are pretty minor and even OP says so. I kind of doubt there is any diagnosis but I think it's great you want to help this child fit in more.

You could do full group social skills type lessons to teach everyone about things like personal space, being kind by letting others go first, etc. Never ever single this kid out but if you address everyone hopefully he will pick some of these lessons up.

You could remind the other kids that everyone has different strengths and weaknesses and they should be understanding. Understanding social norms is hard for some kids. Reading is hard for some. Running is hard for others.

[Anonymous]

Youth Leader - Great observation and great question. Do approach the parent(s) and take int account what they share. Then as you can I would try and place him in a group or partner situation if there are small group activities with at least one kid who is perhaps a bit more mature or flexible in working with him. Personally, for most 10 year olds the idea of incorporating a short lesson at some point on social skills is a great idea. Also, if as a youth group there are tasks to be done in getting ready for an activity try to assing the youngster to one which will keep him busy and out of trouble.

For parents, I would always say that your DC will have a better chance of succeeding if you can let the youth leader know what you feel comfortable with AND a couple of suggestions on what might work to keep DC engaged with the group and not being out of step. You do not have to give a full detailed diagnosis, but a bit of a heads-up just makes more sense then a situation coming up out of no-where and the leader or coach caught completely off guard. I say this is especially only fair to groups where it might be college-aged youth as leaders who do not have the experience of life or parenting as yet to know how to react.