DP. So why are you insisting that pizza on paper towels or a Costco Thanksgiving are zero effort if this is what you know to be true? |
You are still describing a personal problem. “Society” isn’t giving Dad a pass - YOU ARE. |
I was the paper towel poster. Did you miss that I also said the house was a mess? There wasn't even anywhere to sit because the dining table was covered with clutter. We sat on the floor. Also there was nothing to drink except tap water, no side dishes, no dessert. My uncle could have asked his sisters to bring those things but he didn't bother. I remember this thoroughly because I was a kid and I thought it was COOL that my cousins' parents were so laid back! But as an adult I would like a chair to sit in and maybe a can of seltzer offered. |
DP here. You are making my head hurt. How is the PP giving the man a pass? She's saying that he should participate in preparing for a visit from his own mother. She is holding him to the same standard to which she holds herself. I cannot believe it is controversial to anyone that it is okay for a woman to expect her husband to do some baseline prep (modest cleaning, changing sheets, arranging for a meal in advance) when his mother comes to visit. This is one of the most non-controversial things I've ever heard, and yet it has gone 14 rounds in this thread as though it's some insane expectation. I do not understand. This is normal stuff. |
DP. I don't think anyone is saying that... I think it was stated a while ago that a women shouldn't be the one doing all the work when her husband's mom comes to visit. He should do it. But then people said but no no no I want to do it or society dictates that I do it or that it's my fault if it doesn't get done. No one said a man shouldn't be expected to do some baseline prep when his mother comes to visit? |
So you admit that when you were actually at this horrible event you… liked it? But you want to complain about it decades later? There really is no pleasing some of you… |
You obviously don’t understand, we can agree on that point at least. Her issues with her husband have NOTHING to do with societal expectations or some made up “dad privilege” BS. Her issues with her husband are a PERSONAL matter. If she truly *expects* him to do this sh!t, then she needs to *stop doing it for him*. That’s like accountability 101. |
Several posters have stated that if he doesn't want to do anything to prepare for his mom's visit, that's up to him and the wife should just ignore it and do nothing. Which I don't get because she lives in the house too? She also cares for her MIL, and presumably elderly woman who is traveling to visit her grandchildren? If her MIL shows up and the house is a wreck and there's nothing to eat, this will also negatively impact the wife/mom's evening, so I don't understand the insistence that she say/do nothing and just let her DH handle it when it is clear he doesn't want to. I think the point the PP is trying to make is that one should not blame "society" for a man who isn't willing to do something so basic as prepare a meal for his own mother when she visits, but I don't understand that because society is not distinct from the people in it. If a family has a husband/father who refuses to do really basic care work like this, and he isn't roundly condoned by everyone around him (his wife, his mother, his kids, his friends, randos on DCUM weighing in on the situation), then yes, society is giving him a pass. And in this thread, he has not been roundly condoned. Many excuses have been provided and his wife has been blamed both for setting too high standards, but also for letting him get away with slacking. That's society at work. |
And what happens when she stops doing it for him and he still does not do it. As in the examples other people provided of families they know where the moms "dropped the rope" and as a result the family simply does not make any effort with guests or holidays because the man did not pick up the rope. Who faces more negative repercussions for that situation? Mom or dad? Who will family members and friends gossip about as being a bad host and parent? Who will the kids later resent for never making their birthdays or holidays special? But go on telling me that society does not have different standards for men and women when it comes to parenting or the home. |
Answer the bolded questions, that’s literally what the rest of us are wondering. |
It's disrespectful of others, especially your relatives, not to make them comfortable in your house. Men are allowed to be disrespectful and his wife will receive the blame. That's the point everyone is making. |
Again - why is it my problem that my (ex) DH didn’t do it? |
The person was comfortable, though. They thought it was cool. |
It’s not. That’s the point. |
this is what the threads on being the default parent always come down to - picking out individual tasks and claiming that they are either easy or completely made up by the crazy martyr mom. of course as well all know, Dad Privilege is a whole list, not any one thing. It’s not just hosting family. It’s potty training, interviewing nannies, keeping up with permission slips, planning and cooking healthy meals, maintaining minimal hygeine, teaching the kid to tie their shoes … |