One tough kid, one easy

[Anonymous]

I am writing as I so often get a sense from people that they think they are responsible on both ends of the spectrum. Your easy child may or may not be from your parenting, and most likely is not. Your difficult child, same thing. I parent my children the same. I have one that wins the citizenship award every year, easy as can be, wonderful person that everyone wants to be around and parents and teachers remark about all the time. I have another who is extremely difficult, always been moody, not very motivated, and hard to be around a lot of the time. I truly believe that 90% is personality and we can only help them around the edges.

[Anonymous]

I have three, and until last fall, would have told you that my oldest was my easy kid (because she always was a piece of cake to parent!) and that my other two were the handfuls. But in the past four months my oldest was diagnosed with an eating disorder and presented me with the biggest parenting challenges I've ever faced-- meanwhile, my moody, formerly challenging middle child has become the sweetest, funniest, most pleasant companion I could hope for.

They grow, they change, they evolve, they learn. They're human.

[Anonymous]

I also have three, and I have to say, OP, that you're taking the wrong approach. If the family is average at all, next year, they'll reverse: child a will be "easy" and child b will be tough.

If, however, you're playing favorites -- even subtly, unconsciously -- then you're creating the "easy" child and the "tough" child through slights and lack of sensitivity.

Here's how I manage a child going through a rough patch: give that child extra love and attention. Take the "tough" child out separately. Just the two of you. Not to lecture, but to do something the CHILD wants to do, that the child enjoys.

Before you go, list all of the things you love about your "tough" child. Remember all the things she does to show you she loves you. Cherish all the qualities that have made him special to you all of these years.

Remember how hard it is to be a kid and how hard it is to be overshadowed by the "easy" kid.

I have three kids. They take turns being adorable and being incorrigible, so I remember how hard it was to be the child who wasn't perfect and had to be corrected. When they're incorrigible, I hug them even more.

Good luck, OP! IF you doubt your blessings, read a few ttc threads to keep them in context.

[Anonymous]

You named the big problem. You cannot parent two very different kids the same way. You need to parent each child in a way that meets their needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am writing as I so often get a sense from people that they think they are responsible on both ends of the spectrum. Your easy child may or may not be from your parenting, and most likely is not. Your difficult child, same thing. I parent my children the same. I have one that wins the citizenship award every year, easy as can be, wonderful person that everyone wants to be around and parents and teachers remark about all the time. I have another who is extremely difficult, always been moody, not very motivated, and hard to be around a lot of the time. I truly believe that 90% is personality and we can only help them around the edges.

I know someone who had kids like that...the "difficult one" went on to be very very successful in the entertainment industry.

[Anonymous]

Make sure the "easy one" doesn't get less attention. The difficult one may grow out of their challenging behavior, and what's left is the easy one not feeling very connected to the family.

[Anonymous]

This is so true. Same for me OP. Makes parenting a challenge!

[Anonymous]

My husband was the high achieving easy child and his brother was the authority-challenging difficult one. What his parents didn't know was that DH was getting into all the same mischief his brother was (drinking, drugs, etc.), he was just much savvier about flying under the radar and hiding it. Good news is they both made it to adulthood in one piece.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make sure the "easy one" doesn't get less attention. The difficult one may grow out of their challenging behavior, and what's left is the easy one not feeling very connected to the family.

+ 1. This is why I have a problem with the statement that you need to parent each one to their needs. It's too easy to conclude that the "easy one" doesn't need much.

[Anonymous]

I'm largely with you OP. Parenting strategies that work for my oldest do not work for my second. He's anxiety-prone, so you just have to take a different approach to reach him and be much more careful about when and how you address issues if you want to get through to him. Dramatically different brains in my house. But yes, in some ways # 2 is "easier." Truth is I find it "easier" to parent the kid that's more like me. Number 2 is more like his dad and Dad would say the opposite I think. . .

BUT PP that posted about the eating disorder makes a very good point, Different kids demand different things from us at different times.

[Anonymous]

The challenging part is parenting "fairly". Not equally. No equal time, not the same attention, not the same needs to respond to. How can I evaluate what is fair?

This is what I struggle with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am writing as I so often get a sense from people that they think they are responsible on both ends of the spectrum. Your easy child may or may not be from your parenting, and most likely is not. Your difficult child, same thing. I parent my children the same. I have one that wins the citizenship award every year, easy as can be, wonderful person that everyone wants to be around and parents and teachers remark about all the time. I have another who is extremely difficult, always been moody, not very motivated, and hard to be around a lot of the time. I truly believe that 90% is personality and we can only help them around the edges.

OP here. I guess I don't parent them the same. In reading the responses, I do spend extra time and attention on the more difficult one. He is tough to love sometimes, but I get that is when he needs my love the most. I am becoming mindful that the easy child needs just as much love and attention, or we could be headed to trouble there. Thanks everyone. I guess I was somewhat reacting to a friend being rather smug about how wonderful her teens are, and that it just takes a loving family and just doesn't understand what all the "fuss is about" when it comes to living with your teen. She was very pleased with herself, and while may be there is some truth there, the truth I know is that there are wonderful families with kids that are tough to deal with.