Help! Need coping strategies for dealing with MIL

[Anonymous]

Going to the beach with DH's entire family next week. I don't mind family vacations at all, but I do mind vacations with MIL.

MIL in a nutshell - she does have her good moments, but her bad side is she's an overbearing, argumentative, loud, mean, condescending, rude, aggressive, tantrum-throwing drama queen.

We've traveled together before but she's gotten much worse once grandkids entered the picture. The last THREE trips I've taken with her, she's yelled at me for various reasons. Not a scolding type of yell for a legitimate reason, but a screaming type of yell for no reason. DH really doesn't do anything because he doesn't want to cause waves (yeah, I know).

I only wanted to do an extended weekend since I knew I couldn't handle a whole week with MIL, but DH had a different idea and last week I found out he made plans to stay the entire week. We talked it over and I told him we had to get away as much as possible so not to deal with her and I would kick him (or gently nudge) when she was getting to be too much so he could change the subject (because, of course, we could never call her on her behavior :rolleyes.

What are some tips for coping/dealing with MIL? I plan to avoid/ignore her as much as possible. Only give the "smile and nod" type responses to what she says/asks (anything else, like real answers stating my side of an issue would be adding fuel to the fire. you can't argue with this lady so I'm not even going to try). DH, unfortunately, won't be much help as what this lady really needs is someone to stand up to her, but DH won't do it and when I get snippy back DH gets upset with me.

Yes - trust me, I know DH needs to stand up for me against MIL, but he won't. Any other tips?

[Anonymous]

First, you should have a few (or several) sessions of therapy by yourself and/or with your husband. That is absolutely not acceptable - your husband agreeing to something like this, and your MIL for treating you like this.

In the short-term, stand up for yourself. Tell your MIL that you love her but that it's not OK to raise her voice to you. Leave the room when she does, and she will get the hint fast. The "smile and nod" thing is passive aggressive and will benefit no one.

You sound like a people pleaser, when you should figure out what behavior you want from your husband and MIL and require it. That's the only way to get their respect. You deserve much better. Why don't you think that you do? Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Could you opt out of the "vacation"? Send DH? Have him spring or a nanny to help you for the week?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, you should have a few (or several) sessions of therapy by yourself and/or with your husband. That is absolutely not acceptable - your husband agreeing to something like this, and your MIL for treating you like this.

In the short-term, stand up for yourself. Tell your MIL that you love her but that it's not OK to raise her voice to you. Leave the room when she does, and she will get the hint fast. The "smile and nod" thing is passive aggressive and will benefit no one.

You sound like a people pleaser, when you should figure out what behavior you want from your husband and MIL and require it. That's the only way to get their respect. You deserve much better. Why don't you think that you do? Good luck.

Agree 100 percent with this -- every word of it.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have some boundary issues, both with DH and MIL.

MIL is not going to change her behavior. You must change yours. Standing up to her may not be the best strategy. She sounds like she's used to getting her way and will scream and yell until everyone bends to her will just to shut her up.

Your DH needs to protect you from her. I know, I have been there. I used to spend holidays and weekends with DH's parents until I could stand it no more. They were passive aggressive and downright hostile and insulting to me. I was not allowed to respond in kind, else DH would get upset with ME. Finally I told DH I was not going to spend holidays with his parents. If he wanted to go, fine, he'd go alone.

He knew I meant it, so he stopped dragging me along. He went alone for a while, and then he decided he'd rather stay home with me. We still see his parents for short periods, and I must bite my tongue the entire time, lest I jump up and down screaming at them and turn into an complete maniac. They are no better. In fact, they are worse. But limiting the visits helps. And our children love their grandparents, so we make sure to allow them time (not too much) together.

Were I you, OP, I would refuse to go. Point out to your husband how upsetting it is to you that your MIL screams at you. And tell him how unhappy you are that he changed the amount of time you were planning to spend with your in-laws. That should be a joint decision, especially given how awful your MIL sounds.

It took YEARS for us to iron out this situation, and caused great stress in our marriage. But it's doable, OP. If you and your husband are committed to your marriage, you can work out a solution that allows each of you to get some of what you want. Best of luck to you. I've been there, and I totally sympathize.

[Anonymous]

If/when she yells at you, treat her like a toddler -- "there's no reason to shout . . . can you use your words and your inside voice to let me know what's bothering you?" Repeat over and over again.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, OP (Im the one who agreed with another poster above and I just feel like I have to say more) I have to say I think your bigger problem is with your husband. Your MIL sounds insane. Therefore, it's almost not even worth it to try to fight that battle. But your husband sounds like he hasn't learned, as old as he is, to handle his family's disfunction. He is sacrificing his wife's feelings for the sake of his mother's. He is not just throwing you under the bus, he is telling you not to say ouch when it runs you right over! He's not treating you the way he should treat his wife.

Now, who knows. Maybe you have your own personality quirks (who doesn't?) and DH genuinely believes that you're part of the problem. This is for you two to discuss. But if things are as you say, and his mom shouts at you and demeans you, and DH is forcing you into this situation, that's a huge big red flag for me.

I'm so sorry that I can't offer you any better answers to the question that you actually asked, which was how to deal with her and how to cope. I think it would be a lot easier to cope if you learned to confront. This is 2009. Your husband should not be your boss, should not force you to go on vacations you do not want to go on, should not "trick" you into extended vacations when you don't want to go in the first place, and no MIL should be shouting at anyone. You're an adult. You simply must not let either her or her damn son treat you like a child. Please, please, please, stick up for yourself. I'm so angry on your behalf. It's just not right and you have to put a stop to it. Put your foot down. Tell DH, either you stick up for me, or we leave. And then DO IT. None of this passive aggressive shit, it doesn't help anything.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the advice everyone!

Yep - I probably am more of a people pleaser, go with the flow type of gal than I should be. And yes, like everyone else, I have personality quirks but not enough to cause problems.

23:39 hit it on the head when she said

MIL is not going to change her behavior. You must change yours. Standing up to her may not be the best strategy. She sounds like she's used to getting her way and will scream and yell until everyone bends to her will just to shut her up.

23:39 - do we have the same MIL and DH?

Too late to back out, so what do you think about this? When she starts with her behavior I'll just walk away and say I refuse to be talked to in that manner? That's it and just leave. Would that be a good way to handle the situation?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't go, but since you insist.....

I like the talking to her like she is a child idea. Do not argue with her, just act befuddled. F* with her a little.

In the meantime, if anyone knows an outstanding therapist who specializes in boundary issues (*not* at the expense of the couple) - let us know!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the advice everyone!

Yep - I probably am more of a people pleaser, go with the flow type of gal than I should be. And yes, like everyone else, I have personality quirks but not enough to cause problems.

23:39 hit it on the head when she said

MIL is not going to change her behavior. You must change yours. Standing up to her may not be the best strategy. She sounds like she's used to getting her way and will scream and yell until everyone bends to her will just to shut her up.

23:39 - do we have the same MIL and DH?

Too late to back out, so what do you think about this? When she starts with her behavior I'll just walk away and say I refuse to be talked to in that manner? That's it and just leave. Would that be a good way to handle the situation?

I actually think you should stand up to her, and let her rant and rave. If you do it in a respectful way, maybe others (your DH) will see that you will not take it lying down, and that he needs to deal with it. At a minimum, have some fun with it - as someone else sais, f**k with her. Don't provoke her, but it doesn't sound like yo will have to.

And tell your DH to grow a set.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're still not getting it. It's NOT too late to back out. It's never too late to start standing up for yourself. If not for you, then for your kids -- what sort of example are you setting for them right now, both in terms of your relationship with your MIL and your relationship with your husband?

"DH, you and I agreed that we would only spend a long weekend with your parents because of your mom's unacceptable behavior. You chose not to honor that agreement, and instead committed to the whole week. You and the kids are welcome to stay until the following Saturday, but I'll be leaving Monday as planned."

"MIL, there was some confusion when DH and I made our plans. I was under the impression that we were going back on Monday and so made other commitments for later in the week. DH and the kids will stay until Saturday, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to say goodbye early. I hope we can have fun while I'm here."

[Anonymous]

Are you guys staying in a hotel or a house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If/when she yells at you, treat her like a toddler -- "there's no reason to shout . . . can you use your words and your inside voice to let me know what's bothering you?" Repeat over and over again.

This is absolutely hysterical. I'm laughing so hard I have tears in my eyes. I have a great relationship with my MIL (have to - my parents are both dead, my FIL is dead, and I have no other relatives), but I plan to use this the next time ANYONE yells at me for no reason.

Great strategy.

[Anonymous]

Before kids, I used to just drink a LOT around my husband's family. Do you have a good margarita recipe?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the advice everyone!

Yep - I probably am more of a people pleaser, go with the flow type of gal than I should be. And yes, like everyone else, I have personality quirks but not enough to cause problems.

23:39 hit it on the head when she said

MIL is not going to change her behavior. You must change yours. Standing up to her may not be the best strategy. She sounds like she's used to getting her way and will scream and yell until everyone bends to her will just to shut her up.

23:39 - do we have the same MIL and DH?

Too late to back out, so what do you think about this? When she starts with her behavior I'll just walk away and say I refuse to be talked to in that manner? That's it and just leave. Would that be a good way to handle the situation?

I truly feel your pain, OP. I'm 23:39. It's very awkward to back out of a vacation, and can make the situation worse. I've been roped into going places with my in-laws, and I resented it, but refusing to go would make it worse. They would make a big deal of it, make me out as the bad guy, and I would NEVER hear the end of it from them. Try to limit contact with them, and get your DH to agree beforehand to support you on any escape plans. You do have to tell your DH he can't do this to you again, or you will refuse to go, and you won't let the children go either. Really lay down the law to him. I did, and my DH finally agreed I was right, and changed his ways.

My DH still has many unresolved issues with his parents. I cannot change that. The only thing I can do is let DH know that he cannot impose his dysfunctional family and their behaviors on me.

I do not think that saying anything to your MIL will help. I'm all for standing up for yourself, but the person you need to stand up to is your DH, not your MIL.

If I were forced to spend a week with my in-laws I would 1) pack a large bottle of high quality tequila in my suitcase, and drink it in private. It's amazing how a little alcohol can take the edge off things and 2) whenever my in-laws became unbearable to me (almost every few minutes in my case) I would stand up and leave with no comment and no explanation. Make sure you have access to a car, and use it to get out of there. My in-laws are so dysfunctional that they will make up some explanation for my leaving ("she's tired" "she must have forgotten something at the store" "I think she's not feeling well and had to lie down") instead of acknowledging that their own behavior is driving me away. They are in complete denial about their obnoxiousness and rudeness to me, and there's nothing I can do to enlighten them.