Refuse funeral contributions without hurting in-laws

[Anonymous]

Hi! I just lost my aunt who I was very close with. My in-laws always come together to support when one of their own lose a relative. The last 3 years the family has had a huge burden with hospital and funeral related expenses and since DH and I have been very supportive, I know that they will be planning amongst themselves to give our family a contribution through me.

The thing though is I would not want to receive any contribution from my in-laws for a couple of reasons but one of it being I feel this is "my family's problem" and I don't want a strings attached kind of a contribution.

How do I politely hint that we don't want any $$? The donation to charity wouldn't fly with them - cos sorry to say they would want to donate where they can show off and be recognized.

Do I say everything in terms of expenses is covered and it's a very low key funeral/burial when they send their condolences with "we will support you guys?"

Thank you in advance.

[Anonymous]

Cut them off at the pass. Have your DH preemptively tell them that your family is not accepting donations. If they write you a check, do not cash it.

[Anonymous]

I have never heard of this. Is this a different culture? All my relatives normally have life insurance that pays for a funeral or they've prepaid the funeral home if they're old enough.

Just say it's already covered.

[Anonymous]

Are they well - off? Are they people who always put strings on money? If the answers are "yes" and "no" - take the money if offered presuming it could be used for expenses. It's their "thing".

[Anonymous]

"It's already been taken care of, but thank you so much for the offer!" Then change the subject.

[Anonymous]

Just tell them thank you, but its been taken care of.

[Anonymous]

OP here. In-laws are not well off but most likely each sibling would be ASKED by MIL to contribute $600 and up so with 5 siblings it would be $3000+
It's a different culture so a lot of people don't have life insurance as is the case with my aunt. We however keep funeral and burial expenses relatively low.

[Anonymous]

Accept it graciously and donate it. i think the repercussions from not accepting it will be worse than the strings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Accept it graciously and donate it. i think the repercussions from not accepting it will be worse than the strings.

This was my first instinct as well -- accept and donate as you see fit, to some charity that your relative would have supported. The in-laws do not need to know that the money went to a charity rather than toward expenses (it sounds from your update as if these funds are culturally seen as helping with funeral expenses for the uninsured).

But OP, is the problem also that you don't want MIL demanding $600 apiece from your husband's siblings? Can your husband just talk direclty to his siblings and say, this isn't needed and we're asking mom not to do this, so please turn down any request she makes and just say that we've informed everyone that all funeral etc. expenses are covered and we want your thoughts and presence, not your "presents"? Or would that open up a can of worms where MIL is furious with all the siblings and not just DH and you? I rather suspect it would.

It might be easier just to accept, thank profusely, and donate. But if MIL later asks how the money was spent, you and DH will need to decide -- before that question hits you -- what you plan to say to her.

Or rather -- what DH plans to say to her, because this is his to handle. His mom, his family traditions, are his to deal with, as your own family is yours do deal with. If she comes to you about these things because maybe culturally the daughter-in-law handles them and not the "man of the house," well, he needs to start mom understanding that for family issues he's the primary point of contact.

[Anonymous]

Who is the next of kin for the aunt? If it's not you, then whoever is should be the one to accept or reject the gift, as they see fit.

[Anonymous]

Don't accept the money and donate it elsewhere. That's dishonest towards the inlaws' intent, and if they stretch a bit to help you they may not stretch the same amount to donate to charity.