Dealing with geographically distant in-laws and parents

[Anonymous]

My husband and I moved to the coast opposite of where our parents live when he took a work relocation a few years ago. At the time we were childless and the job seemed finite. Now we have a 1 yo and we're thinking of staying out here for good. Problem: my widowed mother and his parents are all in their mid-70s and starting to have little health problems stack up here and there, plus FIL is showing early signs of dementia and isn't receiving sufficient medical attention (there are cultural issues that I think are influencing the denial of the problem). It's also becoming a burden to haul the baby back and forth and basically traveling for a full day on each end to visit them, never mind juggling holidays between the two sides of the family. They come out and visit every few months and all whine about insufficient grandchild time, but they're universally difficult guests and it's exhausting to host them while keeping our lives going.

DH and I have one sibling each and both are checked out of family life and not involved. My brother hasn't visited my mom since my dad died years ago, and SIL, although older, is someone we sort of take care as if she were a younger sibling. She has a diagnosed but untreated mental illness that means that she probably won't be the one to take care of her parents when they're older, despite living nearby.

We really like our life out here and don't want to move closer to the parents, and even if we did, they live in different (non-adjacent) states so we couldn't live near all of them. None of them are willing to relocate. If it makes a difference, I spent all of my 20s making huge compromises in life/career decisions because of family health issues. Basically everyone but my mom across two generations died in 10 years, all after long illnesses.

I watched and helped my parents deal with eldercare issues and know it's coming for us and that it will be a huge job and that health issues cascade and things fall apart quickly. I don't want to uproot my life but I fear that we might have to soon. Do we start looking for new jobs now so we can be settled in a place closer to the parents before our daughter starts school? Has anyone dealt with a geographically dispersed family and eldercare? DH was mostly shielded from my fathers illness and death because our relationship was new, and his family doesn't discuss these things (people hide illnesses and suddenly die and there is a tiny funeral and it's never spoken of again) so I feel alone in my concern for our future.

Is there a magical alternative? I feel like my entire adult life has and will be built around taking care of others and I'm so envious of friends with young, fit parents who live nearby.

[Anonymous]

Start identifying two kinds of resources: help near them and help near you. When they decline further, they may be more willing to move to you. Have options researched.

Oh, and look into what it takes to qualify for FMLA at your jobs.

But if you love your life and want to stay, stay. Research, prepare to stand firm, and see how things play out.

[Anonymous]

Yup. We are an international family, and our elderly parents are in Europe. It's hard! It's expensive to travel so far (with two kids), it eats up all our leave, it messes with children's school, it's tiring... but it's the price of upward mobility.

You need to set up local help. Diseases need to be formally diagnosed and treated; depending on the level of care needed, someone can be hired to come in and clean, cook and possibly bathe. There are meal delivery services available for the elderly that might be managed by the county. Set up an alert button that they can wear around their neck or wrist. Etc...

[Anonymous]

Tough position, OP. If the in-laws and parents are financially able to relocate, the burden is on them, not you, in my view.

[Anonymous]

My MIL has dementia. She was cross country and not receiving good care. We ended up moving her with us and then to a nursing home. The burden emotionally and financially was on us, mainly me as I was the primary caretaker and still am the primary contact for her needs. I'm glad we moved her.