Trying to connect with disinterested SIL

[Anonymous]

I've been married 15 years and DH has one brother. He and his wife have been married 6 years. After a 5 year infertility struggle they are finally pregnant (in third trimester now). I have been trying to connect with SIL during her pregnancy--I send her occasional emails/phone calls to check in and say hi, all of which she ignores. I sent her a helpful baby book which was also ignored. Should I just stop trying and be resigned to the fact that they have no interest in a relationship with us?

Some background: DH and his brother, and his wife and us have never been close. They live about 5 hours away by car. We see them about once a year. We had a child a few years ago (easily) and because of their infertility struggle they pulled away from us during my pregnancy and after and never really spoke to us while they were struggling with infertility. I understood that and even though it was hurtful that they never acknowledged our child (like never asked about her on the phone, etc.) we gave them some space but I figured that now that they are finally pregnant they would be interested in a relationship with us, but it doesn't seem like it.

It would be nice to connect with them as this new cousin is going to be our child's only cousin (I am an only child and DH only has one brother). Thoughts or advice?

[Anonymous]

Relationships take time, so stay friendly and open but don't push it. It takes two to make friends.

For some reason we cannot fathom, DH's SIL hates us, and it's well-known in the family. We have been nothing but polite to her. After more than 10 years, I have given up on establishing something deeper than a superficially polite relationship, which is sad for all our children.

[Anonymous]

You posted this before. They do not want a relationship. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Yes, stop trying for now. She will probay come out of the woodwork when she has the baby, and he the bigger person and welcome her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, stop trying for now. She will probay come out of the woodwork when she has the baby, and he the bigger person and welcome her.

I agree. Stop pressing for now.

[Anonymous]

As much as you may think your questions are innocuous re: baby, she may not feel comfortable discussing for some reason. Maybe it's the long struggle with infertility; maybe she's just a super private person. My MIL keeps asking me (and I've overheard her asking DH separately) about my breastfeeding plans... I'm sure she doesn't think it's a big deal but it feels highly intrusive to me and I really don't want to discuss it with her (my general rule is that any body part normally covered with clothing should be off limits for discussion, unless you're my BFF, DH or doc). I'm not suggesting that you're asking her anything inappropriate, but different people respond to personal questions in different ways, and she may just not want to engage on the topic.

Agree with other posters who say to let it go, wait for the baby, and then follow her lead. Sounds like you've been in the family much longer than her, so she may still be trying to figure out where she fits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, stop trying for now. She will probay come out of the woodwork when she has the baby, and he the bigger person and welcome her.

I agree. Stop pressing for now.

+1


If you've struggled with infertility, often you can't quite "believe" the pregnancy. She may be afraid of losing it and isn't really quite willing to get into happy, excited mama phase yet. Try not to take it personally.

(also maybe your messages/gifts are coming off as a little know-it-all to someone who is oversensitive about such things. not saying that's what you're doing, but just that she may be interpreting it that way).

[Anonymous]

I am your SIL, sort of. After years of infertility and my husband being diagnosed with an illness, I shut people out. They may not know how to build or sustain relationships and will need some time. With this said, it's unacceptable not acknowledging and thanking someone for a gift. Unless there is more to this that you are not telling us OP.

[Anonymous]

Be nice and spend your time and energy elsewhere. Be cordial and welcome the baby, but don't push this.

[Anonymous]

Also, it's "uninterested."

Disinterested = unbiased

[Anonymous]

Infertility is a lonely, heartbreaking and all consuming process for some people. In the support group I took part in before we got lucky, I was one of the least damaged, there were woman that were so fragile and emotionally damaged by the experience. It is a very lonely experience, and one that very few understand. My point of saying all this, is she may not want to really believe the baby will be here safe and sound and won't actually celebrate it until the baby is born. I felt similar, even though I was very excited at the prospect and had completely normal pregnancy. When DD#2 was born early (at 33 weeks), my assumption was that of course I don't get this one, she won't make it - she's 6 now and I have 2 more.

Anyway, this is a long winded post to say give her a chance and engage when the baby is born. If she still refuses contact, at least you know you tried.

[Anonymous]

Give it time. Be open and let them know you are there and want to have a relationship, but give it some time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, it's "uninterested."

Disinterested = unbiased

OMG THANK YOU. This makes me crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, it's "uninterested."

Disinterested = unbiased

OMG THANK YOU. This makes me crazy.

Me too. I really didn't mean for it to be snarky, so I hope it didn't come out that way. Just want people to know.