"Meh" inlaw dynamic - anyone else?

[Anonymous]

I have a decent relationship with all my blades (especially compared to some of the horror stories of others!). Everyone is kind and polite and well meaning. It occurred to me recently, though, that out of the family I married into and out of those who married into my family of origin, there is not a single person with whom I have (or want to have) a relationship with outside of the family obligatory events. And I definitely think the feeling is mutual. Can't help wondering why this is, and if it's coincidental that I just don't happen to click with anyone or if there's an inescapable layer of tension to the inlaw relationship no matter what. I consider myself someone who connects easily with new friends and is easy to talk to. Again, no issues with any of the inlaws, just don't have much connection with any of them on either side. See everyone often family holidays and events cans there are several inlaw siblings in my general age range but conversation is always stilted, awkward, never progresses to anything beyond polite conversation.

Feels like a shame - hear lots of people b*tch about inlaws, and hear others look forward to kicking back with drinks with their extended family over holidays and whatnot. Feel like I'm in a limbo spot in the middle. Not a new dynamic, and not sure if it's anything that could change at this point. Just wondering if others are in the same boat and if you have any theories as to how and why this dynamic is.

[Anonymous]

Was this a second marriage for your spouse?

Also, how have you attempted to foster relationships? Have you invited anyone to hang out outside of family obligations?

[Anonymous]

Maybe your relatives all value low drama and married spouses who are polite adults who try hard not to cause any family dissension. Or maybe they're all just workaholics.

[Anonymous]

Be careful what you wish for. What you have now is the ideal. They are doing you a favor by not treating you like real family. Real family means real drama, real problems, real dysfunction, real emotionally complicated histories. You don't want to get sucked into all of that, you want and need a cushion from the real family stuff. They probably respect you and your DH.

[Anonymous]

Consider this, OP. If you were not related to your own extended family members by blood, how much would you really have in common with them?

With this kind of in-law, if you give it time, you may find you gradually become very fond of each other and get more familiar and comfortable as the years go by. It does take time, though.

I had this happen with my first set of in-laws, who sound much like yours. And I miss them now, as I have remarried, and my current in-laws are a horrible combination of always in my business, while actively excluding me.

I still see my former in-laws now and then, and it's so pleasant and relaxing. And you know, I never worry they're going to jump on me or get into my business, because they have manners and boundaries and a sense of getting along as adults should, unlike my current in-laws.

[Anonymous]

I'm the same way. I would never choose to spend time with my ILs if I weren't married to DH. In fact, I often think that I wouldn't mind it if I never saw them again even being married to DH. They're perfectly nice, albeit a little weird, but I just feel "meh" about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the same way. I would never choose to spend time with my ILs if I weren't married to DH. In fact, I often think that I wouldn't mind it if I never saw them again even being married to DH. They're perfectly nice, albeit a little weird, but I just feel "meh" about them.

+1
DH and I met in mid-30s and MIL insists/pushes for me to call her "mom", which I do sometimes for her sake, but feels weird when I feel so "meh" about my in-laws.