How should I handle this?

[Anonymous]

My mom is and always has been very abusive to me and other close family members. As an adult now with my own kids I've tried to maintain a cordial but not close relationship with her. Unfortunately it's gotten worse to the point that the last two times we've been together she's unleashed a public barrage on me about what a terrible person I am, how awful my husband is, etc. She's also been sending lots of really hurtful emails with threats and wishes for all sorts of bad things for me (not physical but more along the lines of I hope your life is ruined some day and you have no one). It's awful to experience and also awful to watch since she's clearly suffering but won't get any help since she thinks it's everyone else's problem. In the past month she stopped speaking to me because she's angry that I set some boundaries around the upcoming birth of DC and asked her to wait a a bit before visiting. I feel in a bind because DC is due any day and obviously I need to let her know when DC arrives but I don't want any nasty backlash. Equally hurtful I guess will be not getting a response at all although I think that's probably the best outcome. Either way I also find myself angry and resentful that this is even something to worry about at what should otherwise be a happy time. She has a history of making happy occasions a problem so this is par for the course but I guess I'm at a loss of how best to navigate it given that there's no "good" outcome here. I know whatever I do won't be right by her. DCUM, would you share the news and how?

[Anonymous]

You are under no obligation to let her know when you give birth. If you want to be nice, you could have a sibling let her know or perhaps your husband could send a text. But honestly OP, if she is this abusive, she is going to be ticked off no matter what communication method you use. Good luck and congrats about the baby!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the past month she stopped speaking to me because she's angry that I set some boundaries around the upcoming birth of DC and asked her to wait a a bit before visiting.

You were reasonable, she was not. You do not need to contact her when the baby is born. Give yourself some time to figure out how you want to proceed with your mother, but in the meantime, enjoy your new baby!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is and always has been very abusive to me and other close family members. As an adult now with my own kids I've tried to maintain a cordial but not close relationship with her. Unfortunately it's gotten worse to the point that the last two times we've been together she's unleashed a public barrage on me about what a terrible person I am, how awful my husband is, etc. She's also been sending lots of really hurtful emails with threats and wishes for all sorts of bad things for me (not physical but more along the lines of I hope your life is ruined some day and you have no one). It's awful to experience and also awful to watch since she's clearly suffering but won't get any help since she thinks it's everyone else's problem. In the past month she stopped speaking to me because she's angry that I set some boundaries around the upcoming birth of DC and asked her to wait a a bit before visiting. I feel in a bind because DC is due any day and obviously I need to let her know when DC arrives but I don't want any nasty backlash. Equally hurtful I guess will be not getting a response at all although I think that's probably the best outcome. Either way I also find myself angry and resentful that this is even something to worry about at what should otherwise be a happy time. She has a history of making happy occasions a problem so this is par for the course but I guess I'm at a loss of how best to navigate it given that there's no "good" outcome here. I know whatever I do won't be right by her. DCUM, would you share the news and how?

You do not need to tell her when the baby is born. She's probably hear it from other family members, but if she's the kind of person who yells at you in public, sends you emails expressing the hope that your life is ruined, and inflicts the silent treatment, then you are better off letting her be for now. This is not the kind of person I'd want my kids to be exposed to on a regular basis.

[Anonymous]

Op here, thanks. I feel so strange about not contacting her and I know that will send her into the stratosphere and give her more reason to frame me as the bad guy, but at the same time I don't want her to escalate and become a distraction when I should be enjoying DC. Unfortunately I don't have family members who can do it for me (and I suspect that would also make her angry to "hear it from someone else"). I could have DH do it but when she's not lashing out at me for everything she blames him so I always try to avoid putting him in the line of fire if possible. I just realized in typing this I think I was unconsciously hoping for some magic words someone would give me to convey the news that wouldn't make her angry and might even bridge some distance but as I write that I see how unrealistic that is...

[Anonymous]

There is no way this woman would hear from me! OP, you have an obligation to your children. You need to stand up to ANYONE who mistreats you or your nuclear family. Allowing her to treat you this way sends terrible messages to your children. It is sad that you don't have the mother you deserve. You have every right to feel sad about that but you also have an obligation to teach your children through example. Absolutely no one is allowed to treat you that way, period. Congratulations on your newest addition!

[Anonymous]

OP, do you want her to visit? And when? Let her know at that time. Sounds like she'll be terrible no matter what, so no way to avoid her being angry for your visit.

Also, just an observation, but it sounds like you're still very much caught in the cycle of abuse where in some ways you blame yourself for why your abuser mistreats you (e.g. trying to find the magic words that convey what you want without angering anyone). You owe it to yourself to get the help you need (therapy or whatnot) to break this cycle.

[Anonymous]

OP, I recommend putting your own emotional well being first in this instance. I have a mother who has no boundaries or acknowledgement of other people's feelings. She thought she could lob verbally abusive bombs at me anytime without any regard for how it would make me feel. I shed many tears over this, and was made the bad guy if I ever said "you hurt me when you said..."
From going to therapy I was given the tools to deal with this. One thing I can offer from my experience is that in life we have choices. We can chose not to allow that into our lives, we can chose not to react and we can chose who we surround ourselves with. Essentially create boundaries and do not allow her to violate them emotionally, verbally or physically.
You must take the time and peace to enjoy this new baby. You don't get a do over with this child's entry into the world. Do not allow your mother to rob you of this. If you get push back, delete emails, don't take her calls and put yourself with new baby first. Wishing you all the best!

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I had some family issues as well and it's clear from your OP that you are still hoping for her to be the loving mother you deserve. I agree with everyone that you should wait to tell her (or text her then block her number so you don't hear the barrage of insults) but please take time to grieve the loss of a mother you never had. That "perfect" or "good" mother that we all hope for. You need to realize that that mother is gone (and never was) and that you need to go through the grieving process.

Only then a part of you won't still crave (or hope) for some positive feedback from her and get pulled into the cycle of needing to tell her happy things about you. YOu are only doing it because there is still a part of you that hopes the "good" mother will come out and be there.

I'm so sorry. It is a difficult process. I went through it and it's hard, but it really puts you in a better frame of mind once you go through it.

Congratulations on your baby.

[Anonymous]

What are you going to do op? I don't understand why you put up with what sounds like a ticking time bomb type situation. Why do you think so little of yourself that you put up with this?

For your own well being, consider therapy.

[Anonymous]

Also, just an observation, but it sounds like you're still very much caught in the cycle of abuse where in some ways you blame yourself for why your abuser mistreats you (e.g. trying to find the magic words that convey what you want without angering anyone). You owe it to yourself to get the help you need (therapy or whatnot) to break this cycle.

I have to say that I agree. I'm really sorry about this situation but I'm hear to tell you that once you learn to recognize the dysfunction and how you're being manipulated, you'll be so pissed at yourself - and your mother. You deserve so much better. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

One option - send a picture postcard announcing the birth soon after. It's directly to her, but doesn't invite an immediate response from her.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. the more distance you have, the healthier and happier your family will be.

I suggest writing a card or sending a picture card as suggested above.

[Anonymous]

OP again - she's reaching out to my inlaws now to check up on what I told her last time we spoke and confirm that it's true (it is of course). I told her we're spending some time alone as a family with the baby and that other people won't be visiting until later either. She hasn't asked me about it since and I'm livid that she's reaching out to other people to see if I'm lying. This definitely makes me not want to have contact after the baby!