I don't miss my dad

[Anonymous]

My dad died a couple of months ago. He was very distant from my siblings and me throughout my life. He was not actively bad--no abuse of any kind--but was just completely separate emotionally and physically. He also acted this way to my mother, which really broke my heart because she still loved him.

I'm not mourning him. I cried a little when I found out he had died, but that was it. He wasn't a part of my life except on holidays, so I don't feel like there's anything missing.

Now I kind of feel like a robot. My siblings are sadder than I am. When people express sympathy to me I feel like a fraud.

Has anyone else been there? Will his loss hit me at some point or is this just how I feel?

[Anonymous]

Everyone grieves differently and that's okay. It can definitely be a very surprising experience sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone grieves differently and that's okay. It can definitely be a very surprising experience sometimes.

Thanks PP. It's a pretty weird feeling to just not really feel anything after a parent has died -but I am trying not to judge myself.

[Anonymous]

If you didn't have a relationship with your father, nothing is lost. It is completely natural not to grieve something that never was. If your neighbor dies, it will be said. But it will not be a significant loss for you, will it? It sucks that your father was not emotionally available to you, but there is no changing that now.

I expect to feel the same way about my dad. He is around, but he pretty much withdrew from communication with me. I don't think he does this on purpose. He is who he is, and he's too old to change now. If he goes first, I will barely notice. I will notice, because my mother will be alone, and we will have to arrange an acceptable situation for her. But as far as grieving the loss of a parent, I'll probably be spared until my mother goes.

This happened with my grandparents, and I don't feel bad about it. I was a child, and the way life unfolded was my grandparents were not part of my life. Why on earth would I mourn them? I guess it'd be nice if things were different, but I honestly don't give it much thought.

[Anonymous]

It's pointless to feel bad feelings now because HE'S DEAD.

Try to make sure that all of your important relaitionships with ALIVE PEOPLE are less dysfunctional than what you had with dad.

[Anonymous]

Even if you don't grieve the loss of what your dad gave you, you might grieve the loss of what might have been. Once a person dies, there is no longer any chance of any other kind of relationship. One might grieve the lack of closeness, between father and child and father and mother, even if one never had it. Do you normally feel like a robot? You maybe grieving more than you know, or maybe you aren't. However you feel is OK, of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even if you don't grieve the loss of what your dad gave you, you might grieve the loss of what might have been. Once a person dies, there is no longer any chance of any other kind of relationship. One might grieve the lack of closeness, between father and child and father and mother, even if one never had it. Do you normally feel like a robot? You maybe grieving more than you know, or maybe you aren't. However you feel is OK, of course.

+1
Agree with all of this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if you don't grieve the loss of what your dad gave you, you might grieve the loss of what might have been. Once a person dies, there is no longer any chance of any other kind of relationship. One might grieve the lack of closeness, between father and child and father and mother, even if one never had it. Do you normally feel like a robot? You maybe grieving more than you know, or maybe you aren't. However you feel is OK, of course.

+1
Agree with all of this

OP, i will be going through the same thing when my father dies (except my father was pretty emotionally abusive). exactly.

to the above PPs, for me, and likely OP (if she has ever done therapy)...i have already gone through the grieving process of what it would have been like to have a more available father. i now rejoice in the fact that my DH, while we have our own marital issues, is an amazingly engaged father with our kids and that my kids will not have to suffer like i did. and i can totally see me being just like OP when my father dies. i mean, i'm sure i'll have moments, but for the most part i have already dealt with that hole in my heart and don't waste any more energy wishing it was something that it wasn't.

[Anonymous]

I didn't cry when my dad's mom (paternal grandma) died. I didn't like her. I felt very bad for my dad as he was very upset. I felt a little guilty though.

And I actually cried when a favorite celebrity died that same month...

[Anonymous]

I'm the OP. Thanks to those of you sharing your experiences. And 11:10, I'm sorry you have a similar (probably worse) relationship with your father. I agree totally about having already dealt with and grieved the relationship. He was never, never going to change his behavior, and after years of feeling rejected and sad, I just got over the fact that I wouldn't have a "dad" like other people had. I am so grateful to watch my husband with our kids; he is so loving and kind.