Not traveling for a while--fair?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
DH and I very recently welcomed a beautiful new daughter into our family. We have a 2.5 yo DD as well.
My parents, who live in the Midwest (10 hours away) have been out here twice since the birth to help/visit, and are planning to come again in the late spring/early summer for the baptism. They are retired, have no pets or major obligations, and are in decent health, except for the fact that my mom recently had eye surgery, and can't drive. (No problem, my dad likes to drive.) My ILs, who live 3 hours away, have been out here once since the birth to help/visit. They are retired, have no pets or major obligations, and are in decent health. But they have said that--now that they visited once for the birth--it's time for us to visit them. They expect a we visit/they visit dynamic from here on out, because "they are so busy and don't want to drive so much." Keep in mind, our house has ample space for guests; when they visit, they have their own room and own bathroom. And it's just two of them. When WE visit them, the four of us will have to cram down in their unfinished basement living room on a pull-out couch, with barely any space for a Pack and Play. It's always freezing down there. And there is one bathroom/shower for all of us. Plus the drive, and we work. (I go back in a few weeks, and of course will have NO time off whatsoever because of maternity leave.) My DH and I are trying to decide whether we should put our foot down on this one, and ask them to visit us a few more times, until the baby is a bit older and sleeping through the night. And even then, we won't be making the trip to see them as frequently as we used to. (Used to be about six times a year, now we're thinking twice a year.) We think it will be worth the "fight"; MIL is not going to take this one lying down. She likes us to be there so she can "show us off" at their church. They are welcome to come visit us; that is not a problem. We are good hosts who clean, cook and don't ask for help watching the kids. We always take them out to dinner or treat them to take-out. We're not trying to avoid them, we just think it's easier for us to host and for them to travel. Do you think this is fair? |
Anonymous
|
First - What your parents do has nothing to do with your inlaws' preferences.
Second - Is it fair? That's not the point. You do what's best for your family. Be an adult and put your foot down. |
Anonymous
|
"We would love to see you and you are welcome to come visit us. Now that we have a baby and toddler, travelling is very difficult as much so we won't be able to visit you as much as we used to."
Done. |
Anonymous
| Travelling with kids is a pain. Do it as often as works for you, and stay at a hotel when you do. |
Anonymous
|
I also don't see this as "fair" or "unfair." You're not in a position to travel like you used to, so...that's that. Trying to build an argument is a waste of time, OP. Put that energy towards your newborn. Congrats! Let them know you spending time with them and that the guest room is always available. Then let them make their own decisions. There is nothing else to say. Even if staying with them were a paradise, travel isn't in the cards for your family right now. |
Anonymous
|
A three hour drive is not a big deal with two kids, depending on how well they do in the car. If they tend to sleep in the car, it would be fine. If they get carsick/antsy, it will be the worst. My kids are 2 years apart and we drive to my parents' house 5 hours away all the time, almost monthly, since they have been born. They sleep or look out the window for the most part.
Their sleeping arrangements do not really sound adequate. I think this is the biggest issue. Why are the four of you going to be in their basement? There aren't any other bedrooms upstairs? How many people live in your in-laws house that there are no bedrooms left except in the basement? |
Anonymous
| We've only flown once to CA to visit my ILs since our first was born 5 years ago. We also attended two long distance family reunions in that time. Each trip involved time changes, non direct flights and skipping naps/pushing bedtimes. Each was a disaster. Since the third and final trip 2+ years ago, my husband put his foot down and told them we no longer travel across time zones with napping children. It's so expensive now as a family of 4 too that if we visited there we would never get to have a family vacation as 4 plane tickets, a rental car, and a hotel for a week would eat up our travel budget for the year. Actually, we've not taken a vacation in 5 years. Our only trips since kids were to do with my ILs' sides of the family.... |
Anonymous
|
You simply tell them that you aren't going to be traveling much until the kids get a bit older and that they are still welcome to come anytime.
Some people hate to travel. They may dislike being away from their house. You just let them know what you are going to do. They are grown ups and can visit you more if they like -- or not. Many parents are tired by the time the grandkids come around. Many don't end up being as big a part of your kid's lives as you expected. This is a fairly frequent disappointment that comes up regularly on DCUM |
Anonymous
|
Ffs. You can't drive three hours, spend a sat night, and drive three hours back on sun once every couple of months?
You all sound like a couple of drama queens. |
Anonymous
NP here. No. Would not want a family of four to sleep in a cold, unfinished basement on a pull-out sofa for even one night. Ack. |
Anonymous
Two extra upstairs bedrooms; one has a twin bed, one has been converted into a gym with no bed. We thought about splitting up and having DH with one kid in the twin and me in the basement with the other, but we prefer to be together and the twin is really awful to sleep on, even worse than the pull-out because the mattress is older than DH... --OP |
Anonymous
| Why not get a couple aero beds and sleep upstairs? Or buy a better bed. Or stay in a hotel nearby? |
Anonymous
|
We used to do the in-law trip from D.C. to N.J. on I-95. Generally took four or five hours with stops cause I don't have a lead foot and there's always traffic around holiday time. This was with little kids in carseats including babies, you know, where you have to load everything into the back of the minivan...
You get your big coffee and hit the road, stop every hour or so and walk around for five or ten minutes. I agree it's a pain but three hours in a car with two little kids is not THAT big of a deal as long as you are mentally prepared to deal with the poop, vomit, and crying. |
Anonymous
| Do what is right for you and your kids. It is important to start setting reasonable limits with family. We have done three or four hours easily, but had trouble with longer trips. If you allow family to start dictating early on though it can develop into a problem. |
Anonymous
I visit my family on the west coast twice a year since my son was a baby. No issues with the plane or jet lag. |