Normal for 9th grade boy

[Anonymous]

My DS started in a new high school this year and seems to be adjusting OK. He comes home happy (as happy as a teenager in high school can be), but I worry that he seems to be taking a while to make friends. When I suggest him asking someone to get together over the weekend, he says that having "hang out friends" takes time and that he has friends in school, but no one close yet. He is a bit shy and I think, socially awkward. He has an older sister (now in college) whose phone was ringing non-stop and who had a busy high school social life. I know everyone is different, but it's hard not to compare the two experiences and I worry that he hasn't made any buddies yet. At his old school, it took him a while to make friends and he experienced a bit of middle school bullying that I fear may have left a deeper mark than we realized? Am I overly stressing? How can I help him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS started in a new high school this year and seems to be adjusting OK. He comes home happy (as happy as a teenager in high school can be), but I worry that he seems to be taking a while to make friends. When I suggest him asking someone to get together over the weekend, he says that having "hang out friends" takes time and that he has friends in school, but no one close yet. He is a bit shy and I think, socially awkward. He has an older sister (now in college) whose phone was ringing non-stop and who had a busy high school social life. I know everyone is different, but it's hard not to compare the two experiences and I worry that he hasn't made any buddies yet. At his old school, it took him a while to make friends and he experienced a bit of middle school bullying that I fear may have left a deeper mark than we realized? Am I overly stressing? How can I help him?

Stop comparing. You asked, he answered. I am a total introvert, and my phone "never rang off the hook", but guess what? I had plenty of friends (that I am still in contact with 20 years later). I just didn't want to talk to them at night after seeing them all day. Just leave it alone for now.

[Anonymous]

Also an introvert. Tell him he has to get involved in three after school things - sports, clubs, whatever. Then let him talk you down to two. It's easier to make friends when you have a common goal and a project to hide behind.

He's fine. You asked. He answered.

[Anonymous]

I am an introvert too. I think the larger question is what is he doing when he is home alone? If he is just online all the time, that's a problem. My introverted daughter is happy and healthy and doing well at school in college, but I think she is online too much.

If I were you I would sometimes invite another family over that has kids your kid's age, or sign up for a family volunteer event so that he has kids his age to mingle with while you are there, like packing food for the poor, etc. He needs to not be just home alone on the couch. And I would also insist that he have two activities, as he needs the social experiences. Introverts that don't have enough socialization can have anxiety when they are in social situations and they haven't learned how to handle things, like going out for a sandwich on the spur of the moment. They need to practice.

I would check in with the school to see if he eats lunch alone, if he chats with other kids before and after class, etc. If all seems fine, then just insist that he does enough to be out of the house and involved in the larger world on some basis, even if it is just painting sets for the drama club or whatever. Just make sure there is balance.

Introverts DO need time to recharge.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PP that introverts need time to recharge. Keeping him active in extracurricular, family, or community events is a good idea. However, unless this is a small private school, there's no way to know what a 9th grader is doing at lunch. Even if he sits at a lunch table with other kids, there's no way to know if he's actually interacting.

Making friends does take time, especially as kids get older. I would try to get involved with the school by volunteering and trying to get to know the other parents/students.

Every once in a while, I would try to help him to re-connect with former classmates and encourage him to reach out to a specific kid at his current to hang out, go bowling, go for pizza. He needs to go at his own pace.

[Anonymous]

High school boys are way different than girls! Make sure he is involved in something at school, a sport or club or band or something to give him the opportunity to socialize outside of the regular school day. The structure of school, and the intimidating nature of the cafeteria can make it hard to make friends.

[Anonymous]

My daughter is an introvert. She has lots of friends but only a few she wants to hang out with. Even then it's not very often she wants to have them over. I wouldn't worry about it. Introverts are different and are happier alone.

[Anonymous]

"Socially awkward" describes about 80% of ninth grade boys! I teach them all day long! Give him a year or two and you'll be amazed...(I often get the same kids back after 9th in 11th).

[Anonymous]

Totally normal. My DS also started a new high school this year. He has made some friends that he hangs out with during lunch and when they go to school events (games and such). He has made lots of friends through Instagram. But he doesn't hang out that much...mainly because he has so little time and most friends live far away (it is a private school). He is what I would consider socially awkward...especially with girls. Girls are in a totally different place at this age. Girls are focused on relationships...it starts in middle school and sometimes even elementary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is an introvert. She has lots of friends but only a few she wants to hang out with. Even then it's not very often she wants to have them over. I wouldn't worry about it. Introverts are different and are happier alone.

No they are not.

[Anonymous]

Doesn't sound too unusual. But as others have said, activities are key.