Help me understand my sister ...

[Anonymous]

My sister is 29, a working professional, single mom to 1 very sweet and adorable 15 month old (never married), and at one point, was a very close friend/confidant/family member. We used to call/text/email daily, see each other multiple times a week, and had a fantastic relationship for the previous 5 years. I am 33, married, 2 kids (3.5 and 1), and also a working professional. And just in case its relevant to helping me figure out my sister, our father passed away 2 years ago as of January and she had been closer to him than I was.

To compress a very long story, over the past year, I've had a variety of struggles. First, just the reality of giving birth to a second child with a toddler around, though that was pretty minor. Came back to work full time at BigLaw in March, a month or so earlier than planned, because we added some new team members that I had to integrate with. In April I broke my leg and was non-weight-bearing for 8 weeks. The day before my surgery, my husband's sister suddenly passed away (trigger grief and some depression for the next few months for him). In August my husband had a mental breakdown, which was scary for everyone, and he spent 5 days in patient and came out with a good treatment plan of some stabilizing meds and therapists. And then August - December figuring out what the heck is going on with my marriage, supporting my husband/evaluating whether he will be able to return to the stable man he was, and raising two kids while working full time.

After my husband's breakdown, my sister refused to speak to him because the act of his breakdown (somehow) hurt/scared her. My husband is troubled by this ("doesn't your sister believe in me? I thought we were so close."), and during August/September I press my sister to reconsider her stand-off approach and show him compassion. She cannot. So for Oct - December I try to both maintain a relationship with my sister and nephew that is separate and distinct from my husband and family life. This was difficult to navigate, and of course we had some emotional snafus along the way, but it was what it was.

In December, on Christmas of course, my sister and I had a major argument. She told me I was psychotic, and I told her she was a selfish B. Obviously we were not at our best selves, and we ended the argument saying we never wanted to speak again. We softened and agreed to take a month (ish) break and then see where we were. We haven't had any contact for the past six weeks.

I worked really hard in January to try to forgive my sister and view her with compassion. When I finally got to the place where my anger was gone and I was going to be able to showing a loving, supportive, and compassionate attitude towards her, I reached out to her via email to invite her to attend a lecture with me on a topic we both enjoy. She responded promptly, said she was looking forward to it, and until today I was thinking this would be a nice thing for us to do together.

So here is what I need advice on DCUM. She sent me an email yesterday confirming we were still on for the lecture and I responded with "Yes! And I am free afterwards if you wanted to get a coffee or dessert, but I'll leave next steps to you." She responded quickly with "at the lecture or somewhere else?" I emailed back right away with "either is fine - whatever you'd prefer." and then, NO RESPONSE AT ALL. Not even an "I'll get back to you." I'm feeling pretty angry and frustrated and thinking thoughts like "maybe she doesn't really want to repair our relationship and is still a selfish jerk." I recognize that this may be off base, but I'm having a hard time understanding where she is coming from in just not responding at all. Would appreciate any insight to help me get out of the anger and back to loving compassion before we meet tomorrow for the lecture.

[Anonymous]

You Are completely overreacting to the email thing. Makes me wonder how tone deaf you are about all of this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You Are completely overreacting to the email thing. Makes me wonder how tone deaf you are about all of this

Thanks. I had this sense I was overreacting because this is an emotional minefield for me, which is why I sought out the truth-check of DCUM.

But, I am trying to understand, so I can rationalize my emotional response, why hasn't my sister responded?

[Anonymous]

Yes, reserve judgment on this. You don't know what kept her from responding. She might have been busy. It's worth it to give her the benefit of the doubt until it's clear that she is going to disappoint you.

[Anonymous]

NO RESPONSE AT ALL...to where you'll have coffee or dessert? Deep breaths, OP.

[Anonymous]

I'm totally on your side about her being a selfish bitch about your husband and you had me in your corner all the way up until the email, but I've read the whole thing twice and I just don't get why she needed to respond. It was meaningless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NO RESPONSE AT ALL...to where you'll have coffee or dessert? Deep breaths, OP.

Not to WHERE, but to WHETHER.

[Anonymous]

She didn't need to resond-

You're overthinking all of this because you are so sensitive about the relationship. Try to relax and just let it unfold. It will probably be awkward- that's ok. Just go with it.

[Anonymous]

You are over reacting. She may feel that that decision does not to be decided right then and can be decided the day of. I hope you guys can repair things.

[Anonymous]

Why did she react like that about your DH?

[Anonymous]

Wow. Thanks DCUM. In a few short minutes you have helped calm what has been driving me crazy for the past 10 hours.

Maybe in her mind we are getting together afterwards (why else would she ask if I was thinking the lecture or somewhere else?), and I was just too dense/emotionally wound up to see that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did she react like that about your DH?

Your guess is as good as mine. She says that it scared her (she wasn't present, it was just me, but there were threats of self-harm by DH) and that she now can't trust him around her or her son.

[Anonymous]

you're over reacting to her lack of response. You put the ball in her court and at that moment she wasn't really in the position to cement a plan. It's that simple.

So take a deep breathe and just relax. Don't read into her lack of a response to a message about where to go for coffee. You're going to be together at the lecture, no?

Your bigger issue to determining how you'll react if she's unwilling to rethink her behavior towards your husband. It cannot stand like that forever....not fair to you or your husband. If she makes you pick, you pick your spouse.

[Anonymous]

You're overwrought, OP. Let this go. Meet your sister, decide where to go for coffee on the spot. You don't know what's going on with her. We all get a zillion emails a day, and sometimes one gets forgotten. She probably thinks your email didn't require a response, which IMHO, it doesn't.

I'm sorry you are going through such a tough time. It's awful that your sister responded so negatively to your husband's breakdown. Of all times, this is when you really need someone to lean on whom you can trust. She certainly let you down.

But I applaud you trying to patch things up with her. Take tiny steps, and don't be disappointed if things are not perfect again after this event. Try to remain dispassionate and leave your resentment of her behavior towards your DH at home.

Her behavior towards your DH is puzzling, but it sounds like she's scared of him. Perhaps his instability is too frightening for her to deal with -- were there other family members in her life who were likewise unstable? It's very hard on you, but you do have to allow her to do what she thinks is best to protect herself and her child.

Relationships change, and this may mark a new direction in your relationship. You may no longer be as close as you once were, but at least you will have some sort of relationship, and it can be supportive and close, but a in a different way than it was in the past.

Best of luck to you, OP. I'm sorry for your troubles, and I hope your DH is better now.

[Anonymous]

You want to maintain this relationship with your sister but you're overwhelmed (understandably) with your own family issues. It's easy to forget that your sister is a single mother of a toddler and is probably also overwhelmed with her own home life. Maybe she doesn't have all of the stressors that you do but it doesn't mean that she has it easy. When we come under so much stress I think that we instinctively blank out the empathy we have for others around us just so we can cope. She can't deal with your issues because she has her own. You can't deal with her issues because you have your own. I'm not sure what her problem with your husband is but it might be along the same lines that she just can't be around him because she can't muster the strength to be understanding about his problems.

I think it's okay if you and your sister emotionally pull apart for a little while. Just for a few months or even a year while your youngest kids mature a little bit and your other issues smooth over some more. Outings like the lecture are the perfect get-together for you two. Don't try to force a deep emotional relationship. It's there, it just needs a little break. Don't flip out because she doesn't know where to meet for coffee. That's something that can be decided on the spot and an immediate answer isn't necessary.