Help me understand my sister ...

[Anonymous]

Wow. Thank you all for your helpful and insightful comments. These are all good things for me to hear and factory in, and I feel the two previous posters really spoke to my heart. So thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Thanks DCUM. In a few short minutes you have helped calm what has been driving me crazy for the past 10 hours.

Maybe in her mind we are getting together afterwards (why else would she ask if I was thinking the lecture or somewhere else?), and I was just too dense/emotionally wound up to see that.

Yep I assumed she was asking about plans afterwards

[Anonymous]

Obvs she think you ARE going to get coffee or whatever, the details you'll decide at the lecture.

[Anonymous]

Make it decaf coffee honey.

You sound a bit high strung.

[Anonymous]

Lordy, op. Your email hardly required a response. I'm glad you recognize your overreaction.

[Anonymous]

My sister had a breakdown after suffering from depression and was hospitalized due to comments she made to several people about harming herself. She received treatment and medication and seems much better. That said, I would never trust her alone with my children again. I know of several suicidal people that later physically harmed their spouse, children or their spouses' immediate family. Your sister is a single mother and has had to make decisions regarding her child's welfare unilaterally. Perhaps she feels tentative about getting too close to your family since that will involve her and her child being in close proximity to your husband more often. She may be comfortable attending a lecture with you now but may be hesitant about extending it further at this time. Give the relationship time to be reestablished at the pace that feels right to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did she react like that about your DH?

Your guess is as good as mine. She says that it scared her (she wasn't present, it was just me, but there were threats of self-harm by DH) and that she now can't trust him around her or her son.

My guess and please don't take this the wrong way but she is probably worried he will snap and kill the whole family or something like that. She now probably fears him and all trust is broken. Rational probably not but SHE may feel like this.

[Anonymous]

It is also telling that she called you "psychotic" when you were having a fight. That's not a term that most people throw around. It must be on the top of her mind.

[Anonymous]

Take care, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Thanks DCUM. In a few short minutes you have helped calm what has been driving me crazy for the past 10 hours.

Maybe in her mind we are getting together afterwards (why else would she ask if I was thinking the lecture or somewhere else?), and I was just too dense/emotionally wound up to see that.

You told her you're free afterwards for coffee or dessert. In her shoes is assume that was the plan and you'd both decide on the location once you got to the event. If I were her I would have written back a "see you there" or "sounds good!" but it wasn't necessary. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Anonymous]

She's viewing it as a game-time decision. I mean, what if you both are tense at the lecture? What if you fight? She's being smart to read the situation as it is rather than predict it will go well and extend it.

[Anonymous]

The decision was something to make after the lecture so no need for a response. The fact that you saw that as a very serious personal slight means that you are distorting reality at this point. She was probably right on with the psychotic comment at Christmas because your actions or over reactions are some outside the norm.

You have been through a lot. Get help for yourself. If you do not have time for therapy, go and at least get something like xanax. It will help immensely and you feel better.

Having been a single working mom with a toddler in the past, its tough and the bandwidth to deal with other's issues is very limited so you just don't.

In regards to your sister not dealing with your DH, she is on the outside looking in and you are in the thick of things. Your DH's behavior was likely even more scary or concerning that you realized. From her vantage point, she saw something that made her very concerned. Respect her decision and do not push. You should have never told your depressed and anxious DH of her reaction either. It's not something he needed to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You Are completely overreacting to the email thing. Makes me wonder how tone deaf you are about all of this

OMG YES!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The decision was something to make after the lecture so no need for a response. The fact that you saw that as a very serious personal slight means that you are distorting reality at this point. She was probably right on with the psychotic comment at Christmas because your actions or over reactions are some outside the norm.

You have been through a lot. Get help for yourself. If you do not have time for therapy, go and at least get something like xanax. It will help immensely and you feel better.

Having been a single working mom with a toddler in the past, its tough and the bandwidth to deal with other's issues is very limited so you just don't.

In regards to your sister not dealing with your DH, she is on the outside looking in and you are in the thick of things. Your DH's behavior was likely even more scary or concerning that you realized. From her vantage point, she saw something that made her very concerned. Respect her decision and do not push. You should have never told your depressed and anxious DH of her reaction either. It's not something he needed to know.

New poster here. I don't know what happened. But when my brother had a nervous breakdown or whatever you call it these days, it had involved a weekend long drinking spell, where he battered his girlfriend, and they drove for hours with him threatening to commit suicide. He threw himself out of the car, and OD's on a tranquilizer drug. The nervous breakdown was integrally wrapped up in his completely toxic relationship with his girlfriend. So you can't just take a breakdown in isolation. She may be very concerned with whatever is surrounding it. Has he been mean to you or the kids, for example? That type of thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister had a breakdown after suffering from depression and was hospitalized due to comments she made to several people about harming herself. She received treatment and medication and seems much better. That said, I would never trust her alone with my children again. I know of several suicidal people that later physically harmed their spouse, children or their spouses' immediate family. Your sister is a single mother and has had to make decisions regarding her child's welfare unilaterally. Perhaps she feels tentative about getting too close to your family since that will involve her and her child being in close proximity to your husband more often. She may be comfortable attending a lecture with you now but may be hesitant about extending it further at this time. Give the relationship time to be reestablished at the pace that feels right to her.

+1. It's hard for you to hear, but I don't think your sister is being unsupportive or irrational with respect to your husband. I would not go out of my way to be around someone who had a mental break if I was a mother with a young child, especially if that person was, frankly, merely an in-law and therefore not someone I'm forced to reckon with, like for example, a spouse.