Define Rough Patch...

[Anonymous]

So often married people use the term rough patch to describe those difficult periods where things are hard and life does not flow smoothly, or one of them is spending more time than not seriously considering divorce.

For the sake of me being in such a patch right now, how long have your rough patches lasted? How many have you had? Once things are better are they better then before the rough patch started?

[Anonymous]

Mine lasted about a year. Maybe 18 months. It was when my kid was about two. It took an arrest to break us out of it. So something big. Not sure where we'd be if that had not happened.

Are things better than before the rough patch? No. Mostly no. It was really good before the rough patch. Now it's back to being good, but with emotional scars. I'm kind of sad about that. (I was the "victim" in this bad patch. Husband was smoking pot daily and drinking heavily and was emotionally abusive). But I think most long marriages have some scars.

But it hangs there, the fear that if he started back up again on the drinking and drugging, things would be awful again. And I have no control over that. He has been clean now for 10 years. And he's delightful and loving while not intoxicated. Just like he was when we dated and married. But maybe I'll always feel that "what if he relapses" anxiety. I have lived with that and will continue to. He's a great father and husband now. I hope it stays that way.

[Anonymous]

We had a rough patch after being separated for work for about a year. For us , the trigger wasThe stress of being apart, and then me needing to take care of everything at home (selling house, getting things prepared to move, etc.) combined with a really bad time at work. When we were finally under the same roof, it all kind of started to fall apart - almost like we had forgotten how to live together and play nice. I'm not proud to say that I got in an EA with an old flame.
It came to a head when I got caught. We lived in separate rooms and lived separate lives for while while we sorted things out. I got counselling and we worked on things slowly.

I'd say things are better now than they were before. Th crisis helped us identify things in our relationship that weren't exactly working before, and we worked on them. Our communication is much better, and we are more likely to identify and fix things before they become resentments or huge problems.

The "patch" lasted about a year to 18 months, much like the PP.

[Anonymous]

A rough patch does not have to involve contemplating divorce. Any type of strain (illness, financial difficulties) affects the relationship. Oftentimes people struggle but do not intend to divorce. We went through some counseling when I had a depressive episode (unrelated to marriage). It was a difficult time for me and DH; we needed help and sought it. At no point did we contemplate divorce. It lasted about 6 months maybe? There were other periods of misunderstanding or general difficulties most people face in their lives, but we did not want to divorce over them.

[Anonymous]

We had a rough patch when I found out about my wife's long-ago affairs (while we were seriously dating but before marriage, supposedly exclusive though) many years after the fact.

On and off things were rough/not rough for a few years thereafter, not in any way noticeable externally, but emotionally just as between the two of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had a rough patch after being separated for work for about a year. For us , the trigger wasThe stress of being apart, and then me needing to take care of everything at home (selling house, getting things prepared to move, etc.) combined with a really bad time at work. When we were finally under the same roof, it all kind of started to fall apart - almost like we had forgotten how to live together and play nice. I'm not proud to say that I got in an EA with an old flame.
It came to a head when I got caught. We lived in separate rooms and lived separate lives for while while we sorted things out. I got counselling and we worked on things slowly.

I'd say things are better now than they were before. Th crisis helped us identify things in our relationship that weren't exactly working before, and we worked on them. Our communication is much better, and we are more likely to identify and fix things before they become resentments or huge problems.

The "patch" lasted about a year to 18 months, much like the PP.

So when you say "things are better" does that mean you don't deceive your husband about important stuff any longer simply because you feel entitled to do so?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had a rough patch after being separated for work for about a year. For us , the trigger wasThe stress of being apart, and then me needing to take care of everything at home (selling house, getting things prepared to move, etc.) combined with a really bad time at work. When we were finally under the same roof, it all kind of started to fall apart - almost like we had forgotten how to live together and play nice. I'm not proud to say that I got in an EA with an old flame.
It came to a head when I got caught. We lived in separate rooms and lived separate lives for while while we sorted things out. I got counselling and we worked on things slowly.

I'd say things are better now than they were before. Th crisis helped us identify things in our relationship that weren't exactly working before, and we worked on them. Our communication is much better, and we are more likely to identify and fix things before they become resentments or huge problems.

The "patch" lasted about a year to 18 months, much like the PP.

So when you say "things are better" does that mean you don't deceive your husband about important stuff any longer simply because you feel entitled to do so?

Who pissed in your cheerios this morning?

[Anonymous]

Rough patch = what we are going through right now. We are in counseling. But I can't see an end to this, actually. Not because he isn't a good husband or father or provider or person. I just don't think I love him (like that) and this is difficult for the both of us.

[Anonymous]

Our rough patches are usually because I have not been conscious about having regular sex. I find that when we have regular sex, we stay better connected - even though throughout the week we see each other maybe, 3 hrs/day? So busy schedules create distance, which creates tension, which is relieved by sex. Simple! Go to it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had a rough patch after being separated for work for about a year. For us , the trigger wasThe stress of being apart, and then me needing to take care of everything at home (selling house, getting things prepared to move, etc.) combined with a really bad time at work. When we were finally under the same roof, it all kind of started to fall apart - almost like we had forgotten how to live together and play nice. I'm not proud to say that I got in an EA with an old flame.
It came to a head when I got caught. We lived in separate rooms and lived separate lives for while while we sorted things out. I got counselling and we worked on things slowly.

I'd say things are better now than they were before. Th crisis helped us identify things in our relationship that weren't exactly working before, and we worked on them. Our communication is much better, and we are more likely to identify and fix things before they become resentments or huge problems.

The "patch" lasted about a year to 18 months, much like the PP.

So when you say "things are better" does that mean you don't deceive your husband about important stuff any longer simply because you feel entitled to do so?

Who pissed in your cheerios this morning?

PP here, and he also doesn't have unrealistic expectations about me fulfilling his needs without an actual say in what I feel is "better for us" vs "better for him". He also deceived me in what a temporary contract meant. It was supposed to take him away for 2 months. That wasn't the case, and it changed my life, my support network, and my career. So don't play holier than thou unless you understand the circumstances.

Relationships work both ways. A lot of people forget that. Read the posts here and let them sink in occasionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rough patch = what we are going through right now. We are in counseling. But I can't see an end to this, actually. Not because he isn't a good husband or father or provider or person. I just don't think I love him (like that) and this is difficult for the both of us.

I have friends going through something similar and they've been in therapy for like six years. So rough patch can be pretty long...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rough patch = what we are going through right now. We are in counseling. But I can't see an end to this, actually. Not because he isn't a good husband or father or provider or person. I just don't think I love him (like that) and this is difficult for the both of us.

I have friends going through something similar and they've been in therapy for like six years. So rough patch can be pretty long...

No that's just your run of the mill bad/dead marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rough patch = what we are going through right now. We are in counseling. But I can't see an end to this, actually. Not because he isn't a good husband or father or provider or person. I just don't think I love him (like that) and this is difficult for the both of us.

I have friends going through something similar and they've been in therapy for like six years. So rough patch can be pretty long...

No that's just your run of the mill bad/dead marriage.

Arrrgggggg! Dead marriage? 6 years if therapy? Holy fuck. I can't do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rough patch = what we are going through right now. We are in counseling. But I can't see an end to this, actually. Not because he isn't a good husband or father or provider or person. I just don't think I love him (like that) and this is difficult for the both of us.

I have friends going through something similar and they've been in therapy for like six years. So rough patch can be pretty long...

No that's just your run of the mill bad/dead marriage.

Arrrgggggg! Dead marriage? 6 years if therapy? Holy fuck. I can't do that.

This is PP - I don't know why they stay together. On some level they love each other. And there are children involved. Its pretty depressing overall though.

[Anonymous]

We had a rough patch of almost two years when my DH was laid off about a month before our DS was born and was unemployed for almost two years. Honestly I think we stayed married through it because we were both just trying to get through the day. Things have gotten better, although I still have resentment from that period I am trying to deal with. I don't know what the future will bring, but I hope we are never back there.