Say something or stay quiet

[Anonymous]

My grandmother (my father's mother) died recently. My mother sent an email to friends (including my in-laws) letting them know and information about when/where the funeral would be as well as the Shiva at my parents house afterwards. The next day my mother-in-law sent my husband and I an email about plans we had to get together (the day before the funeral) and mentioned a whole bunch of other things, including the recent blizzard before she finally said at the very end of the email "I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother." My husband told her we had to reschedule the plans because of funeral related things etc. She responded that she understood and that was it. They live about an hour away from my parents and so we all have holidays together etc. They didn't know my grandmother well (she lived out of town) but they certainly know my parents well and my parents consider them family. My parents have yet to hear a word from them and it's been over a week. They didn't come to the funeral, they didn't come to the Shiva, they haven't even sent an email or a card to say "we're sorry for your loss." I have people we barely know sending their condolences and calling my parents and my in-laws haven't said a word. It's bizarre and really hurtful to me and my parents. There isn't really any love lost between my mother-in-law and I for many reasons but I've been really trying to be extra nice and always include them in family events and things have been better between us the last couple of years. I'm so confused as to why they would barely even acknowledge my grandmother's death to me and not acknowledge it at all to my parents. So to get to the point, I was going to say something to my husband who is pretty oblivious to stuff like this but I know how that will end up. He'll tell his mother we were hurt and she'll come back with some response like "goodness, I had no idea they would get so upset about something like this. I certainly didn't mean to upset them." and she'll make it seem like we are the crazy ones for expecting too much and he will just accept it. But I AM hurt and I really have no interest in seeing her at all.

[Anonymous]

You need to get over it. Your in-laws are now at the age where their contemporaries are getting scary illnesses, hip replacements, bypass surgeries, and dying. They are facing their mortality. Some people handle death well. Some people completely fall apart. I had a cousin who literally passed out at talk of death, funerals, cemeteries - she truly couldn't handle it. You need to get over it, and focus on your memories of your granny. That is what's important. Keeping score of who sent which sympathy cards or paid shiva calls and stayed one hour vs four is ridiculous and unproductive to life.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. I do think you need to tell your husband to ask his mom why she didn't at least send a card or in some way acknowledge the loss of your grandmother. I think it's OK for him to tell her that you were very close to your grandmother and that you are very saddened by her passing. It's really OK to tell someone they've hurt you, even if they don't respond the way you'd like them to respond. You do it for you, not them. If you don't you will spend your time resenting them and seething, and they will be oblivious while you are hurting.

Not to defend your MIL, but she may not have known anything about your relationship with your grandmother. I was not close to my grandmothers, so I did not grieve when they died, but a friend of mine was so close to her grandmother that it took years for her to recover from the loss. Your DH should tell your MIL if you have any hope of having a decent relationship in years to come. She needs to know she's hurt you and your family.

[Anonymous]

I think you can be annoyed or think them ill-mannered or whatever. I think that makes sense.

I'm not sure why you or your parents are really "hurt" by it though.

[Anonymous]

I think sometimes when you (anyone) is hurt or devastated or going through a bad time, it's natural to channel feelings of grief, pain, and anger that can't be focused or expressed easily on someone who is annoying in some minor way. It's a way of clearing the system. Because you can't really get mad at the universe. OP, you are upset about death. Be upset about that.

[Anonymous]

This reminds me of when my husband's mother died, and his aunt, who was very close to her sister (my MIL), became enraged at the rabbi for only having the children stand up and be recognized at the funeral as "the bereaved." Any time someone asked her how she was doing, she could rant and rave about Rabbi Fuchs. She could avoid processing her grief because, after all, giving it to Rabbi Fuchs was so satisfying and so important. I don't think she ever processed MIL's death because being angry about Rabbi Fuchs was sooooo important.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry for your loss. You're right, OP. It was rude of her not to acknowledge your loss in some way - even a card would have been better than nothing. But you can't predict how people will react to death. I agree that you should express your feelings to your husband - regardless of how he or his mother reacts or tries to explain it away. You'll feel better not holding it inside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think sometimes when you (anyone) is hurt or devastated or going through a bad time, it's natural to channel feelings of grief, pain, and anger that can't be focused or expressed easily on someone who is annoying in some minor way. It's a way of clearing the system. Because you can't really get mad at the universe. OP, you are upset about death. Be upset about that.

This, op. You're focusing on something so inconsequential. Yes, it would have been nice if they sent a card, but they emailed their sympathies, so they did acknowledge the loss. Your a married adult, so you were fortunate to have had your grandmother in your life far longer than most people get. Focus on your family and your own grief. I honestly think you're a bit out of line here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to get over it. Your in-laws are now at the age where their contemporaries are getting scary illnesses, hip replacements, bypass surgeries, and dying. They are facing their mortality. Some people handle death well. Some people completely fall apart. I had a cousin who literally passed out at talk of death, funerals, cemeteries - she truly couldn't handle it. You need to get over it, and focus on your memories of your granny. That is what's important. Keeping score of who sent which sympathy cards or paid shiva calls and stayed one hour vs four is ridiculous and unproductive to life.

I totally disagree. They were terribly rude OP. Your mother and MIL consider eachother family, but your MIL didn't even attend the funeral or send condolences for someone's mother. I bet MiL would be terribly offended if you didn't aknowlede, say, her sister's death. She sounds terribly selfish. Thai is something that I would never forget.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP.

Your DH should have made your inlaws say something and show up to shiva/funeral. I assume they're not Jewish? These are the times when DH needs to step forward when he sees you're upset and it's something that he could have remedied.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP.

Your DH should have made your inlaws say something and show up to shiva/funeral. I assume they're not Jewish? These are the times when DH needs to step forward when he sees you're upset and it's something that he could have remedied.

Oh and my inlaws didn't send flowers to my grandpa's funeral even though I spent 3 weeks there caring for him. They barely mentioned it. They didn't know him though or live in the same area. It stung a bit for months after because he was all I could think about, but I don't think about it now.

[Anonymous]

But your in laws did express their condolences to you. Listen to the wise PPs and let it go. Focus on your family, not being bitter at his because your have expectations which they can't meet.

[Anonymous]

Not sure that it will really accomplish anything by saying something to your ILs but I do think you are justified in being annoyed, especially given the family dynamics between your parents and ILs. My parents also have great relationships with my ILs and my sister's ILs and both my MIL and her MIL were amazingly helpful when my grandmother died. They helped prepare for the wake at my parents' house and watched all the grand kids so that my sister and I could go to all of the services, etc. It's times like these where people can make a huge difference with just the smallest gesture and your MIL blew it. Sorry about your loss---I was lucky to have my grandmother until I was in my 30s but I still miss her and it's been 8 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to get over it. Your in-laws are now at the age where their contemporaries are getting scary illnesses, hip replacements, bypass surgeries, and dying. They are facing their mortality. Some people handle death well. Some people completely fall apart. I had a cousin who literally passed out at talk of death, funerals, cemeteries - she truly couldn't handle it. You need to get over it, and focus on your memories of your granny. That is what's important. Keeping score of who sent which sympathy cards or paid shiva calls and stayed one hour vs four is ridiculous and unproductive to life.

Exactly. Especially since they did acknowledge it in an email. Trust me as someone who has lost a few family members(including a parent) in the last few years, this is not a road you want to travel. You are trying to replace grief with misplaced anger. It is easier to make up a reason to be angry then to feel your sadness.
Don't start this -- you only only end up making yourself feel worse.

[Anonymous]

They could certainly have sent a card or made some kind of gesture, but I wouldn't worry about it. It seems your MIL is that mean sort of person anyway, so... it's in character, no?