How to handle fat question

[Anonymous]

I just learned from my sister that my six year old was really rude. He was at her house and her obese relative was visiting. Apparently my six year old asked her why was she so fat, why was her bottom so big and why her husband had married her. I was shocked because we don't talk like this at our house ever. When I asked him about it he said that he just wanted to know why she was fat- I asked if he knew that it wasn't kind- and he said yes. What is the discipline or punishment for something like this? How do I handle this? Ugh- I hate that he was so mean.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you discipline. I think you help him understand that he can't say whatever he thinks, that he has to filter his thoughts. Impulse control is a process. He is six years old. Meanness is different from lack of a filter.

[Anonymous]

Even kids know fat is terrible

[Anonymous]

Have a hard time believing a 6 year old would ask about the husbands marriage choices...

[Anonymous]

Teach him generally that he doesn't ask personal questions, especially of strangers.

[Anonymous]

Kids can be like this. At this age they are KEENLY aware of differences. We do not mock others' appearances in our house either but kids still casually bring up these things because they notice it and comment on the difference. I doubt he was being mean spirited BUT you do need to let him know that it hurts people's feelings, everyone is different and that's okay and we can't help the way we look, etc. At Costco at Christmas my 6 yo saw a Middle Eastern man with a long white beard and said "Why is a gnome at Costco?" Naturally I admonished her and told her she shouldn't say things like that but at this age it's not really said out of meanness. Just noticing someone looks different.

You should definitely address that with your son so he knows it can be hurtful but frankly, your obese relative needs to quit being so sensitive. He's a little curious kid and she's obese. He's far from the first to say something about it and he sounds like he was just genuinely questioning a difference he noticed. Now if he called her "fat disgusting cow" that would be another story but this doesn't sound like that.

[Anonymous]

I agree- the husband comment was odd to me- what would make him think to ask that question? I did wonder if that question was actually asked. I just really want him to understand how hurtful words can be- and I am not sure how to teach that other than just telling him.

[Anonymous]

I think you already handled it, and you continue to reinforce it.

I asked a similar q to a friend when I was about that age. Her grandmother was deaf, and I asked if her family loved her.

Kids just want to know if people who are different are still okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree- the husband comment was odd to me- what would make him think to ask that question? I did wonder if that question was actually asked. I just really want him to understand how hurtful words can be- and I am not sure how to teach that other than just telling him.

I wonder about that too.

I agree with the PP that the rules to teach here is "It's not polite to comment about people's bodies" and "It's not polite to ask nosy questions". Discuss these rules with him, ask him why he thinks they might be rules, ask him why he said something that he knew wasn't kind, talk about what he might do in the future to help him follow the rules -- and then make sure that you model those rules too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even kids know fat is terrible

If a child asks about why someone is in a wheelchair or is blind or has scars from burns, does that mean, "it is terrible?"

[Anonymous]

I would discipline in the form of a BIG talk about politeness and about how people's worth is NOT measured by how they look, but by how kind they are. Then I'd have him write an apology to that woman.

[Anonymous]

He could get a job at Dillard's.

[Anonymous]

Yikes. Time to impress upon him that he must NEVER say the word fat in this country, bring it up in conversation, or even look askance at a fat person. Such is modern life. We have to let people eat their way to an early death without any kind of intervention, even out of the innocent mouths of babes

[Anonymous]

I actually think the obese woman should have set him straight. I grew up with an obese mom and kids DID ask her a lot why she was fat. They weren't rude (sounds like OP's son was rude) but they had questions. She would always joke and tell them that it was too much cake and not enough vegetables. She'd also tell them it's not polite to point out physical appearance though.

Friend's kid asked a woman once in a grocery store why she was black. Lady laughed and said that people come in all colors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually think the obese woman should have set him straight. I grew up with an obese mom and kids DID ask her a lot why she was fat. They weren't rude (sounds like OP's son was rude) but they had questions. She would always joke and tell them that it was too much cake and not enough vegetables. She'd also tell them it's not polite to point out physical appearance though.

Friend's kid asked a woman once in a grocery store why she was black. Lady laughed and said that people come in all colors.

Op's kid sounds no more rude than the kids you mention. Kids are curious creatures. And they lack filters. The responses you gave are great ways to deflect their questions and stop the probing and then mom and dad should tackle the rest. But it's a natural kid thing!