Haven't slept through the night in five years

[Anonymous]

Okay, maybe a dozen times, usually on short business trips. Neither child is a good sleeper, and I am no longer willing to try to have them cry it out. Maybe I should have given CIO more of a chance earlier, but this is where we are now. Right now they both sleep with me, or one with me and one with my husband. Once our house renovation is complete, they'll go into their own room, but I'm anticipating a long transition and that one or the other will probably wake up and want me every night for the next year.

Mostly I'm curious if any other parents are in a similar position. Maybe I just need to know we're not alone! But if anyone has succeeded in solving this need to sleep with mommy/looking for mommy in the night problem with older children (nearly 3 and 5), I'd also be curious about what worked. Mind, they will be sharing a room, so that may make things more complicated (but on the other hand, I'm hoping that as they get older, they can look for each other and not for me).

[Anonymous]

Oh, and please don't bother dissecting my marriage or sharing your worries about my children (they are both just fine); that's just not the point.

[Anonymous]

Not in the same position. But I have worked for and been close to a family who had 2 little girls who slept with them (or one with each parent) until the older child was 4 or 5.

What worked for them? Making a conscious decision that it was time to have the child out of bed with them. To begin with, they moved the girls into a bed together- so they weren't sleeping alone. If they woke up, they took them back to the child's bed, sometimes laying down (and inadvertently falling asleep!) with them there. Just to get them used to falling asleep and staying asleep in their own beds. Before laying down with them, they'd try just taking them back to their own beds and rubbing their backs or just sitting near them for a few minutes before leaving. Some nights this would go on for an hour or more before they finally fell asleep and stayed asleep, and as I said, other nights they ended up doing this for so long they fell asleep with the children!

Other things that may be worth a try-

You can try using a reward chart to reward them for every night they don't come into mommy and daddy's bed. You could also get a clock for them and teach them that it isn't time to get up until the one hand is pointing at whatever time, or you could tell them if its pointing to a certain number (say an hour before you need to be up or so) that it's okay to join mommy and daddy in bed for snuggles.

Ultimately, you just need to be very consistent in making sure they sleep in their own beds throughout the night as much as possible. Keep taking them back to their own beds when they get up. Especially at first.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

It's hard when children are that old, are set in their ways and can try to reason with you (and outlast you energy-wise at night). When they are babies, CIO works because they sleep more than they are awake, so they get tired and will fall asleep at some point. At ages 3 & 5.... I'm not sure how to fix the problem.

I'd recommend a sleep expert at this point. And I wouldn't wait for a new house...that will just make it harder for the tranisition. Try to fix the sleep issues now.

[Anonymous]

Thank you! I appreciate both the sympathy and the detailed advice. We will try putting them both in the same bed, although the younger one tends to kick the older one...

[Anonymous]

DH and I struggle with this as well with 4.5 DS. He does go to bed in our bed, cuz he and 20 month old DD share a room and bedtime just doesn't go smoothly if they go in together. Regardless, hubby and I made this monster so one thing that was very successful in DS staying in his bed when we put him there is the "bedtime fairy". Talkign abotu how sad the bedtime fairy is when she can't find the kids to play with in the night...the bedtime fairy only goes to kids room and can't find kids in their parents room. DH and I would have conversations about how sad the bedtime fairy was when she came at night and couldn't find kids...of course in earshot of DS.

Then we would leave a small toy tucked under the pillow or something if DS made it through the night in his bed..."oh, the bedtime fairy brought her own toys to share with you...how lucky!!!"

I think you get the drift. This did open a dialog with DS about staying in his bed and we think it worked.
Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I personally don't think that having your children sleep in bed with you is some awful problem that needs a sleep expert to fix! Sheesh!

I do get what you're saying though, OP, that you just want to get some sleep. I'm going on 3.5 years with only a handful of times of "sleeping through the night" with our 1.5 and 3.5 year old. We've put them both in the same room together, and I agree with the PP that said you need to get them used to sleeping in their own room. Yes, they are going to wake each other (and you) up a lot, but the best thing is to at least establish some kind of basic routine. So DH and I find ourselves going in to their room an awful lot, but at least they are slowly getting it that they have their own bed and own space. Basically you have to muster the energy to get up in the middle of the night and put the kid back to bed.

For me, I see this as a journey....not an absolute thing. But whenever I feel like the kid will be receptive, or that I have the energy, I just gently get up and take the wandering child back to bed, reminding him that he needs to get back in bed. Over time, you should see some improvement! It's actually been (relatively) successful recently, and the kids have gotten used to each other's noises/wakings during the night, and oftentimes now one will sleep through even if the other one wakes up and creates some commotion. They are also getting much more used to being put back in their own bed. Sometimes I'll snuggle with them for a few minutes, but I always just say "it's time for you to go back to sleep" and I get up and leave. Sometimes that needs to happen several times over the course of bedtime or in the middle of the night -- but honestly, I've seen improvement.

Good luck, and no -- you're definitely not alone! Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

not in the completely same boat but haven't slept through the night since we had children as well. i wouldn't do anything cold turkey. i have always had the best luck "weaning" per say no matter what it is ie: getting rid of binkie, bottle, etc.... it is easier on baby that way and on you. by the end the child is used the to "new way." anyway, i would gradually get them used to their own room. make up excuses for the first time it happens ie: mommy has a cold and doesn't want to get you sick. i know lying isn't the best, but at least to break them in it helps. kids like to rationalize things in their own minds. you'll get there eventually. our oldest is now sleeping through the night in his own room and it is great. baby is sleeping in his room as well but still gets up at night to feed but at least not in our bed like the first. good luck.

[Anonymous]

You and me both sister. I can't remember the last time I slept a full nights sleep. Even when I am away on a business trip, I still wake up several times a night.

[Anonymous]

You're not alone, it's so hard to go without sleep.
I keep thinking at some point, it will get better. They sleep through the night before they go to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I personally don't think that having your children sleep in bed with you is some awful problem that needs a sleep expert to fix! Sheesh!

I do get what you're saying though, OP, that you just want to get some sleep. I'm going on 3.5 years with only a handful of times of "sleeping through the night" with our 1.5 and 3.5 year old. We've put them both in the same room together, and I agree with the PP that said you need to get them used to sleeping in their own room. Yes, they are going to wake each other (and you) up a lot, but the best thing is to at least establish some kind of basic routine. So DH and I find ourselves going in to their room an awful lot, but at least they are slowly getting it that they have their own bed and own space. Basically you have to muster the energy to get up in the middle of the night and put the kid back to bed.

For me, I see this as a journey....not an absolute thing. But whenever I feel like the kid will be receptive, or that I have the energy, I just gently get up and take the wandering child back to bed, reminding him that he needs to get back in bed. Over time, you should see some improvement! It's actually been (relatively) successful recently, and the kids have gotten used to each other's noises/wakings during the night, and oftentimes now one will sleep through even if the other one wakes up and creates some commotion. They are also getting much more used to being put back in their own bed. Sometimes I'll snuggle with them for a few minutes, but I always just say "it's time for you to go back to sleep" and I get up and leave. Sometimes that needs to happen several times over the course of bedtime or in the middle of the night -- but honestly, I've seen improvement.

Good luck, and no -- you're definitely not alone! Hang in there!

It was rude to say that the recommendation of a sleep expert was unnecessary. I think it's strange that you yourself can't solve the problem and that you don't get much sleep yourself. So you're giving advice? If I were trying to lose weight, I wouldn't want my fitness trainer to be obese... get the gist?

Maybe before you dismiss it, you should seek some professional advice yourself. I've heard some of the sleep experts around here are a great help to those who have utilized their services.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It was rude to say that the recommendation of a sleep expert was unnecessary. I think it's strange that you yourself can't solve the problem and that you don't get much sleep yourself. So you're giving advice? If I were trying to lose weight, I wouldn't want my fitness trainer to be obese... get the gist?

Maybe before you dismiss it, you should seek some professional advice yourself. I've heard some of the sleep experts around here are a great help to those who have utilized their services.

That's a pretty snarky thing to say. I think the PP that you are attacking wasn't necessarily trying to advise. It sounded more like she was comiserating with the OP. More along the lines of...hey, I'm in the same boat and this is how we're coping. To use your overweight analogy - it's like when you're dieting and you have a fellow dieter, also trying to lose some weight, share their stories and words of encouragement. It's helpful to have a fit instructor - but it's also nice to have a classroom of similarly overweight people trying to get in shape with you.

[Anonymous]

I hear you, OP. I haven't had a full night of uninterrupted sleep since DC was born nearly 3 years ago. I plan to try Pantley's No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers. It has many, many gentle approaches that you could try, and they're geared specifically to children of the ages you're talking about. I wish you the best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It was rude to say that the recommendation of a sleep expert was unnecessary. I think it's strange that you yourself can't solve the problem and that you don't get much sleep yourself. So you're giving advice? If I were trying to lose weight, I wouldn't want my fitness trainer to be obese... get the gist?

Maybe before you dismiss it, you should seek some professional advice yourself. I've heard some of the sleep experts around here are a great help to those who have utilized their services.

That's a pretty snarky thing to say. I think the PP that you are attacking wasn't necessarily trying to advise. It sounded more like she was comiserating with the OP. More along the lines of...hey, I'm in the same boat and this is how we're coping. To use your overweight analogy - it's like when you're dieting and you have a fellow dieter, also trying to lose some weight, share their stories and words of encouragement. It's helpful to have a fit instructor - but it's also nice to have a classroom of similarly overweight people trying to get in shape with you.

I wasn't trying to be snarky. (That's such a goofy expression used on this forum, by the way. Just call me a bi*ch, if that's what you're saying).

I was pointing out that she said in a nasty tone: "I personally don't think that having your children sleep in bed with you is some awful problem that needs a sleep expert to fix! Sheesh!" And then she went on to give advice even as she admitted that she's in the same boat and hasn't been able to fix it.

As for the overweight analogy... two friends losing weight together will commiserate and share the ways they are succeeding (for example: "I have found that if I have a Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich for 150 calories, I don't crave sweets as much." ). It wouldn't be helpful if one said: "I am binging like crazy. I can't seem to fix the problem but would NEVER see a nutritionist or a doctor for advice. You should do what I'm doing too!"

Whatever. My kid sleeps okay (for now), because I followed the advice of an expert. So I'll shut up and let you guys share bad advice.

Have a great day!

[Anonymous]

I think I'm up to about three and a half years without sleeping through the night. I'm glad I have good company.