Just starting TTC - who do you tell?

[Anonymous]

We are just starting out trying for a baby. I am wondering about the pros/cons of telling a select few (close friends, possibly my mom) that we are trying, and wondering what you all think. We are leaning toward not telling anyone, to avoid the awkward "are you pregnant yet?" situations, but still not sure.

[Anonymous]

I would avoid telling people. It took us two years, four major surgeries, failed iuis and ivf to get here. We did not expect that when we started. While chances are that you are healthy and will conceive within a year, telling people opens you up to a lot of questions that will get annoying if things take longer than you hope. And if you do succeed, you might find that you want time for just you and DH to adapt to the idea of your impending parenthood. If people straight out asked us, we never denied nor confirmed anything. We simply said we would let everyone know when we have good news to share.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't tell--what's to gain from it? People wondering if you're pregnant yet? People envisioning you having lots of sex?

Obviously, if you have close friends with whom you've talked about your childbearing futures, you might want to share. Otherwise, the only thing that I would change in conversations with people is a more definitely sense that you want children. (E.g. When we have kids... versus If we have kids...)

[Anonymous]

What does the *recipient* gain from learning that you are having intercourse without birth control from this point onward? Anything?

[Anonymous]

Why do you need to tell anyone at all anyway?

[Anonymous]

I'm another one who doesn't understand why you would tell anyone that you're now having unprotected sex. We certainly didn't.

[Anonymous]

Another don't understand here. My SIL told her mom - down to the day she expected her period, then wondered why everyone was looking at her belly. Just plain freaky to me.

Tell them WHEN you are pregnant. If you have difficulty conceiving or have miscarriages, then you tell the people from whom you need support.

[Anonymous]

I didn't tell people we were trying to conceive, but I did tell colleagues, friends and family that we wanted children. I didn't force the issue, but I did make a conscious effort to work it into conversation, "we're looking for a new house as we want room to grow" and "this job is great but I wish this place were more family friendly -- for when we're ready". You don't talk about your situation, but I married late and we were determined to have a family, I didn't want to hear shock and dismay when I did get pregnant. I know women who heard "you're too old to have kids, are you sure you're pregnant?" and "wow I didn't think you were at all maternal" when they told people they were pregnant. It was important to me to lay the ground work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't tell people we were trying to conceive, but I did tell colleagues, friends and family that we wanted children. I didn't force the issue, but I did make a conscious effort to work it into conversation, "we're looking for a new house as we want room to grow" and "this job is great but I wish this place were more family friendly -- for when we're ready". You don't talk about your situation, but I married late and we were determined to have a family, I didn't want to hear shock and dismay when I did get pregnant. I know women who heard "you're too old to have kids, are you sure you're pregnant?" and "wow I didn't think you were at all maternal" when they told people they were pregnant. It was important to me to lay the ground work.

I was one of those pp who didn't understand why you needed to tell people before. I would stop mentioning that you are TTC. If you are of advanced maternal age and you get pg..and people are dismayed or make insensitive comments, really who cares. It's their problem, certainly not yours. DC metro area has tons of older moms. You should just be thrilled to pieces you're pg and be able to move on quickly from any strange or insensitive comments. You'll be so happy just being pg I would think that such comments will not bother you too much.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for all of your input. You all confirmed what we were thinking, better not to tell until there is news. The only reason I was thinking of telling was to have someone to talk to other than my husband, but that isn't really that important I guess. To the poster who married late and thinks people will be surprised when she gets pregnant - we too married late but so far I've had the opposite reaction. I can't tell you how many people have asked about kids! So you just never know how people will react, they may surprise you.

[Anonymous]

I didn't tell a soul because I know I would be more stressed out and feeling pressured if I did.

[Anonymous]

OP, find one friend or maybe two that you completely trust to not tell anyone and confide in just them. Or tell a relative that you trust.

Or if you can not find any of these, then spill the beans on DCUM and I'm sure you'll get support here.

[Anonymous]

Don't tell anyone. If you end up having problems conceiving, it will be emotionally extremely hard to face the question:"are you pregnant yet?" and also if it takes you a while to get pregnant, people will start asking if you have fertility problems, if you went to see a specialist...etc, which is really annoying. It is stressful enough to have a hard time conceiving, you don't need everyone gossiping about it. Of course, it might be that you have no problems conceiving, but there is no way to know in advance. Also, if you tell people you are TTC and then you do get pregnant but feel you do not want to tell b/c you are scared of a miscarriage, you will have a hard time not telling b/c people will suspect you are pregnant and then if you have a miscarriage, everyone will know....It's just best to keep your mouth shut. Then, when you are pregnant and are far along enough that the risk of miscarriage is low, you will be able to tell people and it will be a very nice surprise for everyone b/c they did not expect it .

[Anonymous]

We made the mistake of telling family and friends. We are now 2 years in with no baby and undergoing fertility treatment. You have no idea what a mistake it was that we told people. You get bombarded with the "Are you pregnant yet?" questions for the first few months that get so annoying and irritating you want to scream your lungs out. And then as time goes by you get more of the pity from them which makes you feel even worse. Do not tell anyone at all....you'll learn it will be much easier that way. No one ever expects infertility to be an issue but clearly it is for many many women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We made the mistake of telling family and friends. We are now 2 years in with no baby and undergoing fertility treatment. You have no idea what a mistake it was that we told people. You get bombarded with the "Are you pregnant yet?" questions for the first few months that get so annoying and irritating you want to scream your lungs out. And then as time goes by you get more of the pity from them which makes you feel even worse. Do not tell anyone at all....you'll learn it will be much easier that way. No one ever expects infertility to be an issue but clearly it is for many many women.

Having been in the same shoes, I couldn't agree more wholeheartedly!!!