My mother is Marie Barone on steroids. And she wants to buy a house a few blocks away.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I are in our 40s with three small children. We live in peace. We like our lives. And my mother, who brings conflict into our home every time she visits, wants to make herself a bigger presence by buying a second home nearby so she can pretty much see the grandchildren whenever she feels like it. If she were an easy going, busy retiree with an entire second life planned I wouldn't mind at all. In fact, if my MIL wanted to move nearby, my husband and I would not have a thing to say as she still works, has friends, has her own routine that she keeps religiously-- morning walk, make coffee, watch certain shows, go driving into town, has hobbies she works on every day.... and personality wise, she just smiles and minds her own business. My mother, however, is the total opposite.

Anyway, we moved about 6 hours away from where my parents live and for me, it was wonderful to be so far from my mother. She sees herself as a tremendous asset to anyone's life, an endless abyss of knowledge purveyed in the form of forwarded news articles. I see her as a major know-it-all who lectures and guilt trips when she doesn't get her way and brings tension into our home. My husband has already had conflicts with her. He can't stand her and I can't blame him.

And now she wants to have a place nearby so she can spend every weekend in my backyard asking why we don't buy new shrubs, why we don't live in a better school district, why we should get a better alarm system, why we need to go to church, etc....

[Anonymous]

You need to tell her the situation directly. Without emotion.

[Anonymous]

Well, you can't tell her where she is allowed to live but you can set boundaries early on. Don't give her a key. Don't allow her in when she shows up unannounced. Don't give her too much info about your schedule. Also...don't ask for any favors.

[Anonymous]

Wow. Are you her only child? Maybe she is lonely but doesn't know how to communicate it. Maybe she just wants to be near you. You sound ungrateful.

Wow.

[Anonymous]

Mom, I know you think it'll be great to live nearby, but you DO realize, don't you that we're really busy, right? I mean, we leave the house at 8am on Saturdays and get home in time to eat dinner. We're not sitting around admiring our shrubbery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Are you her only child? Maybe she is lonely but doesn't know how to communicate it. Maybe she just wants to be near you. You sound ungrateful.

Wow.

+1 you'd think as a parent op would be more sympathetic to all this woman has done for her. And, as a woman in her 40s you'd think she'd be able to communicate her concerns in a constructive manner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Are you her only child? Maybe she is lonely but doesn't know how to communicate it. Maybe she just wants to be near you. You sound ungrateful.

Wow.

+1 you'd think as a parent op would be more sympathetic to all this woman has done for her. And, as a woman in her 40s you'd think she'd be able to communicate her concerns in a constructive manner.

You are both so lucky You don't even realize that some people, like OP and myself, struggle mightily with a parent. It's not that we don't love them. But they hurt us (unconsciously or not - sometimes I think not) every time they come into our lives. Self-importance therefore becomes of crucial importance.

I would try to do everything in my power to dissuade her from coming, OP, because even if you don't give her your key, she can always make trouble with the neighbors, etc, and people will look at you differently.
Tell her about the high COL, how hard it is to make friends, the traffic, etc.

[Anonymous]

"Self-protection" , not "self-importance"! Ha!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Are you her only child? Maybe she is lonely but doesn't know how to communicate it. Maybe she just wants to be near you. You sound ungrateful.

Wow.

+1 you'd think as a parent op would be more sympathetic to all this woman has done for her. And, as a woman in her 40s you'd think she'd be able to communicate her concerns in a constructive manner.

You are both so lucky You don't even realize that some people, like OP and myself, struggle mightily with a parent. It's not that we don't love them. But they hurt us (unconsciously or not - sometimes I think not) every time they come into our lives. Self-importance therefore becomes of crucial importance.

I would try to do everything in my power to dissuade her from coming, OP, because even if you don't give her your key, she can always make trouble with the neighbors, etc, and people will look at you differently.
Tell her about the high COL, how hard it is to make friends, the traffic, etc.

+1
Just because your parents are lovely you think it's impossible that some are toxic?

[Anonymous]

Some people don't know what it's like to have really unlikeable people be your parents. OP i had a friend with a mother like yours, she sucked the joy out of life. I would not want her near me until it was a necessity, (i.e. she needed support).

[Anonymous]

I used to wonder why Debra didn't choke Marie. I knows I would have if my MIL had been a Marie. Set the rules in stone and never deviate. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP, how do you respond when she brings it up? Do you make your lack of enthusiasm crystal clear?

[Anonymous]

Is she sick, why is she on steroids