Is DH supposed to plan Mother's Day celebrations?

[Anonymous]

I am sad and mad at the same time. My DH has been hounding me to plan a Mother's Day dinner for his mother. I finally put my foot down and said that I will attend the dinner, but I will not plan it. I am not going to cook for her, or call around at this late date to make reservations. When I asked if he was planning on doing anything for me, he said "You're not my mother". OK - he's right about that. But I can't expect my one-year-old to plan something. So, am I being unreasonable? Do other DHs plan Mother Days celebrations for their wives??

[Anonymous]

Your not my mother…. Why do some men have this attitude? I don’t get it. You are the mother of his child, which is a huge thing. He needs to set an example for your children to follow. Even my sibling, who had a bitter, ugly divorce, takes their child out to purchase a gift to give to the ex. It’s not just about hubby anymore, it’s about what’s best for the family as well. I don’t have much good advice, but I completely empathize.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it is traditional for the father of young children to "help" them honor their mother. Obviously, with a one-year-old, that would imply a lot of help. In our family, this might mean making a nice breakfast, helping the kids make or buy cards, offering mom a break in the day or planning a special activity.

[Anonymous]

I expect my DH to shower me with affection on Mother's Day...even though I am not "his" mother. I don't think that it is too much to ask, considering all that we do as mothers.

[Anonymous]

If we take what your DH says literally, then he should be planning the mother's day dinner for his mother. After all, she's not your mother either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If we take what your DH says literally, then he should be planning the mother's day dinner for his mother. After all, she's not your mother either.

Exactly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If we take what your DH says literally, then he should be planning the mother's day dinner for his mother. After all, she's not your mother either.

This was my immediate thought when I read the OP's post!!

If you're really pi**ed, even if she's the most wonderful MIL in the world, I'd be tempted to not even go to dinner for her and tell him "hey, she's not my mother." (call MIL and let her know what's up if you think she'd stick up for you. A guilt trip from his own mom might make the world of difference! If my husband ever pulled this, my awesome MIL would definitely set him straight.)

[Anonymous]

DH should be planning something for you! I think there is an unspoken emphasis on honoring mothers of younger children as that is the period where the mother gives up so much for her children. She should be showered with love!

[Anonymous]

I'd definitely agree that your husband should take lead on planning something for both you and his mother. I think it's a good idea for you to acknowledge your MIL on mother's day (she did raise the man you married), but the idea that it is your obligation is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

My DH said the same thing the other day - half jesting - "your not my mother" and then I reminded him that no, I wasn't, but the only reason HIS mother was getting a card and gift was because I bought them, signed them and mailed them (and my MIL will be sure to call and thank my DH and only my DH).

My DH then agreed he should do something for me. But honestly, "doing something" just means I get to sleep in and he will probably help my son make me a card. I think that is wonderful. Now, if I could get my DH to clean the house - it would be a perfect day.

[Anonymous]

No offense OP, but your husband is acting like a bratty child. My husband is 100% on his own with his mom (he puts our kids on the phone when he calls her). He also (without being asked) takes the lead on doing something with the kids for me--I did have to make my needs known but then he was able to step up to the plate. Yes, it's a stupid, commercially-created holiday, but if that is what it takes for me to get a single weekend morning to sleep in and have breakfast brought to me, then bring on the commercially created holidays. I am very specific that I do not want any gifts aside from what the kids make.

[Anonymous]

I informed my DH this year that I don't "do" Mother's Day any more. ANd by that, I mean I don't do any planning for anyone's mother (including myself), except my own. So now he is on notice that he not only has to figure out how to acknowledge his own mother on Mother's Day, but also that he should do something to acknowledge me. He made reservations for brunch for us and my folks, so I ended up not even having to do the planning for my own mother. I find it is sometimes easier to get the desired result when I ask for it directly.

[Anonymous]

I completely agree with PP at 14:44 - my husband is on his own with his mom, and it would never even occur to me (or to him!) for me to get involved. My involvement is limited to signing the card he buys (ditto for his involvement with my mom) - we each buy separate gifts for our mom, and darn tootin' he is responsible for treating his own wife on Mother's Day. "You're not my mother"??? What?? isn't the whole point of this holiday to show appreciation for women that work their butts off raising children? Shouldn't that be a particularly compelling point for the husband's own kid? (I just hope the OP applies the same standard to her husband on Father's Day!)

[Anonymous]

No, he shouldn't expect you to plan the dinner -- although, I would say that asking for a little help is reasonable -- e.g., with menu planning or choosing flowers -- something fun and not labor-intensive, no food shopping, cooking or cleaning up. (Picture Michelle O's role vis-a-vis WH staff preparing for a state dinner). You're also right that he should absolutely be planning something for you -- just don't let your expectations go off the charts -- some of the best things my DH has done include helping the kids with serving breakfast in bed (not too innovative, but really sweet and relaxing); making me tea and a snack, then getting the kids out of the house so I could read the paper and listen to music; organizing us to go for a bike ride and get frozen yogurt at my favorite place; mobilizing the kids to plant annuals in pots at the front door to surprise me when I got back from playing tennis with friends. These have all meant more to me than any gift -- in fact, one year he got me an ipod and I took it back because it just seemed a little too extravagant.

But, getting back to your MIL, DH sends her flowers and calls. In addition, I always write her a note and make a collage of family photos or frame one nicely. After all, she reared DH and he's a pretty special guy. She deserves my gratitude for that. In turn, she sends me a card and tells me what a great job I'm doing with her grandkids. It's a nice things, and though we're not that close, I hope that when DS grows up and gets married, I'll have this kind of relationship with my DIL one day. (Of course, this will have to wait until he stops telling those fart jokes -- he's 15 and cute, but uncivilized.)