Grandparents Prerogative

[Anonymous]

How do you all deal with the grandparents' prerogative and how can I nip it in the bud? For instance I will say no more sweets. And then in front of me they will hand the child a cookie and say "grandparent's prerogative!" and wink like it's cute. And that's just what happens in front of my eyes, I'm sure a lot happens when I don't see it. We have great, loving parents but this happens with both my inlaws (where I'm less powerless to complain) and my parents too. I'm not a controlling person either.

[Anonymous]

"Mom, Dad, I understand that you mean well, but I can't have you undermining my authority in front of my kid. I allow a lot of leeway with sweets beyond what he would get at home, but when I say enough, it's enough, for his own good and mine. I need you to back me up here."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you all deal with the grandparents' prerogative and how can I nip it in the bud? For instance I will say no more sweets. And then in front of me they will hand the child a cookie and say "grandparent's prerogative!" and wink like it's cute. And that's just what happens in front of my eyes, I'm sure a lot happens when I don't see it. We have great, loving parents but this happens with both my inlaws (where I'm less powerless to complain) and my parents too. I'm not a controlling person either.

I would probably tell them that I'm not going to be undermined in front of my kids like that and we won't come by any more if that continues. And I would leave. I find this very egregious. I would also be as loose as I can wherever I could - for instance, I let my MIL give the kids lots of sugar when we visit (but we don't see them often).

[Anonymous]

(1) You have every right to tell your parents that they should not undermine your authority by flouting your decision in front of your kid.

(2) You need to accept that your parents are going to be more indulgent with your kids than you are, and that if you ask them to watch the kids, you have to accept that some things will happen that you would not let happen.

(3) You should distinguish between things that are merely preferences and things that are really important: save your energy for things that matter, like food allergies.

[Anonymous]

In our world grandparents perogative only exists for the week that they take the kids while DH and I take a vacation. Then they can bring it on all they want.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I meant this question to be more general because I hear this term so often and was wondering how others deal. We see grandparents very often and it's not a special occasion when they see them.

[Anonymous]

Depends on how frequently. If they see the kids for 2 hours every week, I would let it go. If it is a daily thing, you need to say something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I meant this question to be more general because I hear this term so often and was wondering how others deal. We see grandparents very often and it's not a special occasion when they see them.

I've never in my life heard that term. My in-laws are very indulgent with my kids. Bedtimes & screentime limits all ignored, sweets were pervasive. But they don't see them very often.

They are now tweens and look forward to the no rules aspect of visiting their grandparents but fall back into regular habits at home.

[Anonymous]

Take the cookie out of your child's hand and hand it back to the grandparent. Then repeat "no more sweets." Make it awkward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take the cookie out of your child's hand and hand it back to the grandparent. Then repeat "no more sweets." Make it awkward.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I meant this question to be more general because I hear this term so often and was wondering how others deal. We see grandparents very often and it's not a special occasion when they see them.

I have never heard this term. But I think every response, though more specific than you intended, is don't allow it. They will only override your rules if you let them.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't put up with this. It's one thing for a grandparent to allow more sweets in their own home, but undermining me right in front of my child? No.

I'd gently take the cookie back from the child and hand it back to the grandparent and say, "Larla may not have more sweets today." I totally agree with making it uncomfortable for them in the moment. Then, afterward, simply say, "Please do not undermine me in front of my own child. I have asked you to respect our wishes in terms of sweets and I know that you do your own thing in your home and I choose to turn a blind eye as much as possible. But I will draw the line in terms of undermining me in front of my own child. Regardless of your feelings about sweets, I hope you agree that undermining a parent is never good for a child."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take the cookie out of your child's hand and hand it back to the grandparent. Then repeat "no more sweets." Make it awkward.

+1

I had to this once. Notice, I said once. Kid got upset. Grandparent felt bad. (I did too, I don't want my kid to be upset when it's not their fault), but grandparent got the message.

OP, if this is a regular occurrence, you should talk to the grandparents outside the situation and explain that you make the rules on XYZ, and that it's not funny or cute, and you will be stopping it from now on. And also maybe take an honest look about when it's happening and decide if there are some things that you really can let go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't put up with this. It's one thing for a grandparent to allow more sweets in their own home, but undermining me right in front of my child? No.

I'd gently take the cookie back from the child and hand it back to the grandparent and say, "Larla may not have more sweets today." I totally agree with making it uncomfortable for them in the moment. Then, afterward, simply say, "Please do not undermine me in front of my own child. I have asked you to respect our wishes in terms of sweets and I know that you do your own thing in your home and I choose to turn a blind eye as much as possible. But I will draw the line in terms of undermining me in front of my own child. Regardless of your feelings about sweets, I hope you agree that undermining a parent is never good for a child."

I would edit this speech. Skip the part about "turning a blind eye" to what they do in their home and the lecture about values. Just take the cookie back, and say, "Please don't undermine me in front of my child."

[Anonymous]

I have wonderful parents and in-laws. We are the last with the grand kids. They are too old now to watch them for any length of time nor do we expect them to.

I would let some cookies slide. Life is short. Kids will be fine. Now if they see them everyday it would be a problem.

My FIL is a retired dentist and gives little chocolate treats. As long as the brush and floss it is all good.