Are you able to get out of the house when you have family visiting?
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Anonymous
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MIL is staying with us for 4 nights. We have one child. We see MIL about 3 times/year and she loves spending time with DS and says that she wants as much time with him as possible. She has stated that she doesn't even want to see my parents because she'd have to share DS with them for those few hours. She's on the younger side and has energy.
Since she's been here I've done a few things by myself that I don't get to do all the time without rushing around since DH and I both WOH and schedules can get pretty hectic. I've been to the gym once, dropped off some packages to the post office and am currently in the parking lot of a store since there's a terrible stench in our kitchen trash can and we couldn't get it out by cleaning so I'm going to replace it. MIL didn't send DS a holiday gift so she said she wanted to take him out to choose something. Before I left to replace the trash can I told DH that they don't need to wait for me to go to the toy store. He said fine but I don't need to make it so obvious that I don't want to spend time with MIL. We've spent a ton of time together already. We've eaten all meals together and have been in the same room for pretty much the whole time she's been here except for the 3 outings outlined above. We don't need 3 adults with DS at all times. Am I expected to put my life on hold and stay attached to MIL at all times when she's here? Is it unreasonable to do a few things that are not all together? |
Anonymous
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You are fine. Your dh should have some quality alone time with his mom. I'm sure his mom actually appreciates that!
Tell your husband that. |
Anonymous
+1000 You have a setup here that many would envy. Actually, you didn't even get offended when your MIL said that she didn't want to visit with your parents because she wanted to spend her time with her grandchild. You and your MIL get it. The two of you actually respect each other's need for space plus togetherness! As for your DH, well, he needs to step it up. 
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Anonymous
| We always use it as a chance to get a date night or run errands without kids. It's awesome to get adult time-has nothing to do with avoiding the in laws! |
Anonymous
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I think your behavior is fine, and it sounds like MIL thinks it's fine, too, and likes the alone time with your son.
But it is important to be on the same page as your husband. Can you start a conversation with him by saying something like, "I don't want you to think I don't like spending time with your mother, but she has made it clear she wants a lot of dedicated time with Little Billy. My feeling is that this is win-win; she gets time with him, and I get to knock out a few chores and do a few fun things for myself that I don't usually get to do. What are your expectations? Let's meet in the middle, here." |
Anonymous
OP here. This is where it gets tricky. I don't actually like spending so much time with MIL, but I do because she's DS's grandma and DH's mom and it's the polite thing to do. They are a family who assumes everything will be done all together. When we go there it can feel like I'm in prison. Everyone has to know what everyone else is doing at all times. I seriously can't even go to the bathroom without someone checking on me. I can't make phone calls either because if you leave the room for too long someone will come to find you. But when we're at her house there's nothing I need to be doing other than visiting, so I don't get any breaks. So when she's here I can get some breaks by doing things I need to be doing anyway such as returning packages, buying a new trash can or taking the dog to the groomer (on the agenda for tomorrow). I don't manufacture these things in order to get out, but I take opportunities to do so when she's here. I got home from buying the trash can and she made a comment about how much I spent (DH checked the credit card statement before I even got home and must have told her). Plus she gets to spend uninterrupted time with DS. When I'm around, DS will cling to me and not be as enthusiastic about playing with her but when I'm not around he's very into playing with her. To me the situation is a win-win so I can get some breaks and MIL can spend lots of time with DS, but apparently DH thinks otherwise and thinks I'm being rude. Meanwhile he has had an uninterrupted exercise time every day she's been here, plus he has sat on his computer for the majority of the time. |
Anonymous
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You have a husband issue not a MIL issue.
Talk to him and come up with a plan well before the next visit. Tell him you'd like to make sure they have quality time and that exercising daily helps you be a calmer, happier host. Make it in both of your self-interest to get down alone time. |
Anonymous
+2! Tell DH that his mom likely wants to spend some time with just him. This is a good thing! |
Anonymous
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Re: what you said above: Don't lie to DH. Be honest that you need some breaks, and tell him that you are able to be more cheerful and be a better hostess when you get them.
Ditto when you visit them. Take a "nap." "Forget" something and have to run to CVS and also go sit at Starbucks for awhile. Take a walk with just one person. Be proactive about what you need and be cheerful and confident as you go about your business. It is for everyone's good. You can do it! |
Anonymous
| Your husband wants you to be with his mother so he doesn't have to. |
Anonymous
| And call DH out on the computer use while he is doing it. What a hypocrite! |
Anonymous
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11:58 poster here. You have my full sympathy--I know EXACTLY what that stifliing, "constantly observed," every-moment-together dynamic is like. I'm so sorry! Visits there are hell, I get it.
While she's at your place, maybe just spend 10 minutes the night before or early morning of talking about your schedule/needs for the day with your husband. If he gets gym time, so do you, non-negotiable. But give him a little room to ask you to only run 2 errands instead of 3, etc. You should both get equal time "off." |
Anonymous
| No, not really. You are lucky you have a MIL who wants to spend time with DS. |
Anonymous
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Wow, Op, I thought that was me writing that post. Except my MIL is here for another 4 days.
I hear you. We don't have to spend all the time together. Why make me do that!! I don't make you spend more than a day with my mom! There's nothing wrong with leaving our kid with the grandmother for an evening. They are crazy. Also, i dont need to be around when Mil n son hovers over the little kid (5) who just looks over at me for some hugs. And they don't let me have contact with him. All i can do is stand around and say great meal, love it (which i never do or like). I think both are just jealous that my son comes to me and give me kisses. Duh, he's my son. Also DH will text me to complain about her. I do avoid being with them, I admit. They are so proper at all times, it feels unnatural. Meal time is the most awkward cause she thinks her cooking is the best and I think she uses a lot of oil and butter and overcook things. I think her cooking is what drove me to become sick. Every time we are together, I get sick. There's only one denominator. I better stop complaining. |
Anonymous
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OP, you must be in your first decade of marriage and are still being polite with MIL. I'm almost 20 years in and I wish I had figured this out a long time ago. DH needs to deal with his Mom. The sooner you shift that burden off yourself and onto him, the better for everyone.
When you're on their turf, go out for a very long run and then take a very long shower - boom, two hours of 'me time.' If someone 'checks on you' - tell them, 'I'm fine, thanks.' Here's another one - decide that you need something at the mall. Go get a massage at one of those chair places, then shop for whatever you think you need. Or just come home and say they didn't have it in your size and will have to order it online. I have no problem separating myself from the in-laws, or even my own parents when the visit is too long. Let go of the guilt and take advantage of the free babysitting! |