DS's Muslim friend - How to make him feel more included?

[Anonymous]

DS is 10 years old and has a Muslim friend at school. His parents are both doctors but his mother wears a hijab and his father has a long, but well-kept beard. He complains to DS that, lately, he feels left out and like the other kids at school don't include him because of how his mother dresses and how his father looks. This is heartbreaking to me for a number of reasons, but especially because the friend and his parents are so kind and likable.

Aside from having DS include him in activities and outings that we organize, how can I or DS help?

[Anonymous]

Host playdates at your house with the other kid AND other friends. Maybe if they get to know him away from his parents they'll invite him over even when your son isn't there.

[Anonymous]

Yep. Invite him over along w other school friends so that the kids get to see he's a cool kid. If you're throwing any kind of gathering open to your neighbors, friends etc - invite the parents so that others get to see that they're normal AND so that their DS sees that other parents are wanting to be around his parents.

Make sure your DS knows that he is to speak up (and has your permission to do so even if that means you get a call from school) if he hears any - Muslims are terrorists or Muslim bashing. Likely this kid won't speak up but he'll know he has true friends if he hears your DS and his buddies speak up.

[Anonymous]

Play dates. Is there still a room parent? Ours organizes a once monthly class play date at a huge playground.

[Anonymous]

My 9 year old kid talks like this. She thinks she's not in the in-crowd because we don't dress like the super preppy parents of the "cool" kids and we don't live in the "right" neighborhood or drive the "right" cars. I don't get why the PPs think this can't be?

[Anonymous]

Would you still push the friendship if his parents weren't doctors? What if the dad had a long, unkempt beard? What if they weren't so assimilated?

Welcome to the world of profiling. Black people deal with profiling everyday; it is far reaching. And organizing forced playdates is temporary but it will probably make you feel better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Would you still push the friendship if his parents weren't doctors? What if the dad had a long, unkempt beard? What if they weren't so assimilated?

Welcome to the world of profiling. Black people deal with profiling everyday; it is far reaching. And organizing forced playdates is temporary but it will probably make you feel better.

This is a fair criticism. I guess I included the information about them being doctors to indicate to future posters that the child didn't feel out of place because of any other issues (like socio-economic class) but it wasn't necessary.

Thank you for the suggestion of the other PPs, particularly the one about involving the room parent.

[Anonymous]

I'm muslim, here's one more, don't assume he can't or won't do something bc of his faith. There are all stripes of Muslims, some emphasize certain aspects of the faith while letting others go and that balance is different for every family - despite what the media thinks.

So offer him the same things until he says - sorry I don't do x bc of my faith. For example, if you're having a pool party don't exclude him on the thought that he won't be allowed to come bc there are girls in swimsuits there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Would you still push the friendship if his parents weren't doctors? What if the dad had a long, unkempt beard? What if they weren't so assimilated?

Welcome to the world of profiling. Black people deal with profiling everyday; it is far reaching. And organizing forced playdates is temporary but it will probably make you feel better.

Kind of how I feel. Yes we're all supposed to put on our community caring hats now, but when it comes to black people etc.

I'm doubting the veracity of this post, but I'll keep it simple. You can't force the other kids to be his friend. You can't. You can allow your son to be friends with whomever he wishes Just make sure your not pushing this friendship more than you normally would so you can say " I'm not like Trump. We have Muslim friends."
There might be some truth to the kids statement, but it also might be he isn't fun to hang around.
Let your kid play with him, and encourage him to speak up if there is teasing or unfairness going on. Invite kids to play together as you normally would.
But don't go forcing friendships, that would piss me off as the mother of a minority child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 9 year old kid talks like this. She thinks she's not in the in-crowd because we don't dress like the super preppy parents of the "cool" kids and we don't live in the "right" neighborhood or drive the "right" cars. I don't get why the PPs think this can't be?

Me, either. My 8 year old son talks like this too, although his school really emphasizes social/emotional skills.

[Anonymous]

We are dealing with that at our school now. Three new Muslim kids in the classroom and their parents are extremely conservative. The kids can't eat rice krispy treats, for example, because commercial marshmallows are made with gelatin, which is likely pork-derived. And many of the parents aren't sure how to deal with that. And the kids DON'T get invited for play dates.

[Anonymous]

For you -- in social events, make sure to cut a wide swath of invites -- kids with disabilities; kids of all faiths; kids of all races; the slightly annoying kid.

For your son -- Make sure your child greets everyone in class and does not ignore people, and is kind.

For this particular issue, I think you might perhaps mention to the teacher that this child is struggling. This is too much responsibility for your son or any one child. It's everyone's responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are dealing with that at our school now. Three new Muslim kids in the classroom and their parents are extremely conservative. The kids can't eat rice krispy treats, for example, because commercial marshmallows are made with gelatin, which is likely pork-derived. And many of the parents aren't sure how to deal with that. And the kids DON'T get invited for play dates.

Would it be a problem if it were Jewish kids that would not eat marshmallows because of the gelatin? They do make kosher marshmallows, which should be fine with Muslims.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are dealing with that at our school now. Three new Muslim kids in the classroom and their parents are extremely conservative. The kids can't eat rice krispy treats, for example, because commercial marshmallows are made with gelatin, which is likely pork-derived. And many of the parents aren't sure how to deal with that. And the kids DON'T get invited for play dates.

Would it be a problem if it were Jewish kids that would not eat marshmallows because of the gelatin? They do make kosher marshmallows, which should be fine with Muslims.

It's not a problem, per se, it's that the parents had never run into it (the parents who provided the rice krispie treats were Jewish, FWIW). It's that the parents get nervous that they will offend or cause trouble, so they don't reach out as much as they may otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are dealing with that at our school now. Three new Muslim kids in the classroom and their parents are extremely conservative. The kids can't eat rice krispy treats, for example, because commercial marshmallows are made with gelatin, which is likely pork-derived. And many of the parents aren't sure how to deal with that. And the kids DON'T get invited for play dates.

Would it be a problem if it were Jewish kids that would not eat marshmallows because of the gelatin? They do make kosher marshmallows, which should be fine with Muslims.

It's not a problem, per se, it's that the parents had never run into it (the parents who provided the rice krispie treats were Jewish, FWIW). It's that the parents get nervous that they will offend or cause trouble, so they don't reach out as much as they may otherwise.

I'm a practicing Muslim and TBH I'd be rolling my eyes and excluding those kids too. Not specifically bc of Rice Krispy treats bc these days there are lots of kids who don't eat lots of things due to allergies - who cares if they want a cookie instead. BUT having known a lot of Muslim families all my life, I've found that the ones that indoctrinate their kids to follow every arcane rule at such a young age ARE hyper conservative AND ALWAYS easily offendable. I'm sorry but gelatin is very low on the list of things you're not supposed to eat bc it MIGHT be pork derived (it isn't always); it's not like the room parents offered the kids a pork chop or a shot of whiskey or something.

Better to avoid those types and let those 3 kids socialize amongst themselves. The more "assimilated" Muslims or at least those with more moderate Muslims that want to be included will be apparent to you bc they won't start a relationship with -- my faith doesn't allow this, that, and the other thing.