What to get permanently clinically depressed ILs for Xmas?

[Anonymous]

My ILs are the hardest people in the world to buy for. My MIL has been almost incapacitated with depression (sporadically diagnosed as bipolar) for at least 25 years; my FIL is in perfect health but spends his life caring for/enabling his wife. They live across the country in a diaspora community (they immigrated here about 30 years ago.) Efforts to encourage activities, travel, volunteer work were abandoned years before I came on the scene a dozen years ago. They spend most of their time watching diaspora TV stations, w/my MIL heavily medicated and speed-dialing her kids at least 10 times a day. My MIL will soon have hip replacement surgery and they both will probably spend weeks living with her nearby daughter while she recovers.

My husband is so fed up after being harassed daily by his mother since the 1980s and honestly wouldn't bother to do a thing for Xmas. (I am forcing him to go out for her surgery.) So it's on me. Every year I send nice sweaters and grandkid photos, whatever. I have put this off as long as humanly possible and am facing down the Amazon delivery timetable. Is there any possible alternative to sending yet another sweater that they don't need or want?

[Anonymous]

How about a weekly delivery of flowers for, say, a month or so? Something to brighten their world a bit. Sorry, OP. It sounds like a very difficult situation.

[Anonymous]

Flowers are a good idea. I just tried Bouq for the first time this year, and I have had a good experience.

But why not let your DH take the lead when it comes to his parents? Truly? Why are you overriding his wishes?

[Anonymous]

Yeah, why are you forcing your husband to do anything? If anything, encourage him to do something nice for his poor sister who's shouldering much of the caretaking burden.

Just send them token gifts and leave it alone. You can't fix people or make families into your fantasy family.

[Anonymous]

Fruit of the month could be nice.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the idea. I love the Bouq website... maybe some occasional flowers would be just the ticket.

In terms of why I'm overriding my husband, well, in truth I do barely the bare minimum where his family is concerned. I used to try MUCH harder to do right by his family. Just because, that's what you do where I come from.

But aI'm the uber 'default parent' - I do everything for the kids/family/house/cars plus work FT. At some point, particularly after I lost my own parents, I just said enough. I decided this is the one place in my life where I was going to surrender the guilt. So I suggest doing something at MIL's birthday but I don't do it myself. But to just blow them off at Christmas seems a bridge too far.

[Anonymous]

birchbox.

Every month she will get a surprise.

It is 12 opportunities to be disappointed a year.
At least there would be mail and a connection. The stuff is so random, you are bound to hit on something at some time. It also isn't on you.


My therapist used to say to send an orchid.

What they do with the flower (tend it, let it die, give it away) is on them.
YOu sent something nobody could deny is pretty.

[Anonymous]

Edible Arrangements are also a good, quick call.

They have stuff made up. Most people are not allergic to fruit. It looks nice.

Don't overspend. They won't be happy anyway, but if you feel gifts are an important nicety, as I do, do something.

[Anonymous]

Sun lamp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:birchbox.

Every month she will get a surprise.

It is 12 opportunities to be disappointed a year.
At least there would be mail and a connection. The stuff is so random, you are bound to hit on something at some time. It also isn't on you.


My therapist used to say to send an orchid.

What they do with the flower (tend it, let it die, give it away) is on them.
YOu sent something nobody could deny is pretty.

Not OP but mother complains when I send her floral delivery.

Now I just do my best and just prepare to ride out the complaints.

[Anonymous]

Another vote for edible arrangements. Or chocolates if they are not diabetic. And no guilt for you if they hate it or throw them out.

[Anonymous]

A DVD player and a box set - of dowton ABBY?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ILs are the hardest people in the world to buy for. My MIL has been almost incapacitated with depression (sporadically diagnosed as bipolar) for at least 25 years; my FIL is in perfect health but spends his life caring for/enabling his wife. They live across the country in a diaspora community (they immigrated here about 30 years ago.) Efforts to encourage activities, travel, volunteer work were abandoned years before I came on the scene a dozen years ago. They spend most of their time watching diaspora TV stations, w/my MIL heavily medicated and speed-dialing her kids at least 10 times a day. My MIL will soon have hip replacement surgery and they both will probably spend weeks living with her nearby daughter while she recovers.

My husband is so fed up after being harassed daily by his mother since the 1980s and honestly wouldn't bother to do a thing for Xmas. (I am forcing him to go out for her surgery.) So it's on me. Every year I send nice sweaters and grandkid photos, whatever. I have put this off as long as humanly possible and am facing down the Amazon delivery timetable. Is there any possible alternative to sending yet another sweater that they don't need or want?

Trying giving them a gift of non-judgment.

[Anonymous]

Box of pears or other fruit from Harry and David. The photos are a great gift and sufficient in themselves. As suggested, token gifts are OK -- don't over-think it. Thanks for being considerate.

[Anonymous]

Expensive dark chocolate to boost her serotonin levels. I'm not kidding.